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I love my wife. My wife is dead (1946)

lettersofnote.com

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Re: I love my wife. My wife is dead (1946)

#81

Post by seanhunter »

criddell wrote: post #75
throwaway64643 wrote: post #49

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I always felt a sense of betrayal when someone sought a new partner after their spouse dies. But when I read a passage by Freeman Dyson about Feynman's trip to Santa Fe to meet his new girlfriend, my view has significantly shifted. Dyson (or perhaps someone else; I don't recall exactly) spoke of Feynman as someone who cannot stay out of a romantic relationship for too long. Some men just always want to love and be lo…

If you die before your partner, do you want them to remain single the rest of their lives? If that were to happen to me, I definitely want my wife to love and be loved again.

There is an absolutely heartbreaking(to me at least) moment in the classics in "Sayings of the Spartan Women" when Leonidas is leading his men to Thermophylae to almost certain death at the hands of the Persians his wife asks him what she should do if he dies and he says "Marry a good man, and bear good children."

I think this is amazing. He wants her to lead a happy and full life. I for sure would want that for my wife if I was to die first. I love her to bits and would want her to be happy.

Re: I love my wife. My wife is dead (1946)

#82

Post by 1stub »

coldtea wrote: post #36

People appreciating this letter might also appreciate "A crow look at me" by Mount Eerie (a one-person music project), written by Phil just after his wife died of cancer, and dealing with it. Here's an example track: https://genius.com/Mount-eerie-real-death-lyrics

This may be the most gut-wrenching album ever created. Gets me every time.

Re: I love my wife. My wife is dead (1946)

#83

Post by _yb2s »

therobots927 wrote: post #80
_yb2s wrote: post #69

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It’s incredible that they are so out of touch they see healthy introspection, and love as mental illness. This reminds me of when I had an actual bacterial infection, couldn’t get my Dr to prescribe antibiotics for it, so I got some on my own and they worked. When I pulled my medical records I saw in my chart something like “inappropriate off label use of prescription medications.”

How did you acquire the antibiotics?

In this case I already had them- I had previously pulled a muscle that was causing a lot of pain, and a doctor inappropriately prescribed me a course of antibiotics for a physical injury that couldn't possibly be an infection, so I never took them.

It really grates me that numerous times I've been inappropriately prescribed antibiotics- but the one time I had a dangerous and debilitating bacterial infection I was unable to obtain them.

However many human safe antibiotics are legal to buy for animal use, and many countries sell oral antibiotics for human use over the counter without a prescription. Please- if anyone is reading this, don't use antibiotics inappropriately. Ideally work with a doctor,but if not make sure you actually need them, and you take a full course in the proper dose to avoid creating dangerous resistant strains.

Re: I love my wife. My wife is dead (1946)

#84

Post by max-ibel »

jebarker wrote: post #21
mrweasel wrote: post #8

On one hand I am happy that we have things like Marcus Aurelius' Meditations, on the other I feel that peoples private and unpublished writings should be kept private. It's reasonable enough to let a limited number of researchers access private documents, but the broader public, no. This isn't a letter meant for us, it's not meant for anyone to read and I feel that publishing it is a little disrespectful.

I'm not sure where this letter was first published, but Feynman's daughter edited a book of many of his letters private and professional: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Perfectly_Reasonable_Deviation... I found it very beneficial to read recently so I'm grateful that his family chose to publish. I enjoy "Letters of Note" and many of the most impactful letters are personal ones between private individuals.

Seconded. Letters of Note (there are various printed volumes as well, e.g. "Speeches of Note", "Letters of Notes: Cats", ...) are a very fine collection of thoughts.

One of my favorites is "Why explore space": https://news.lettersofnote.com/p/why-explore-space.

Re: I love my wife. My wife is dead (1946)

#85

Post by _yb2s »

Staple_Diet wrote: post #22
mrweasel wrote: post #8

On one hand I am happy that we have things like Marcus Aurelius' Meditations, on the other I feel that peoples private and unpublished writings should be kept private. It's reasonable enough to let a limited number of researchers access private documents, but the broader public, no. This isn't a letter meant for us, it's not meant for anyone to read and I feel that publishing it is a little disrespectful.

I agree with the sentiment, but Meditations was always written to be published though. It was less a private journal and more a write-as-you-go self help book. Marcus (Marky to his friends) hoped his writings would be read widely as it would spread his thoughts on stoicism etc.

I assume this is a joke or satire, given the 'Marky' bit? Meditations was absolutely not written to be published. Not only does he say (and imply through omission and other statements) some pretty damaging things about powerful people whose continued support he needed to rule effectively, much of it has very specific personal context that nobody but himself has ever been able to understand or interpret. A lot of it is referencing past events from his life that he doesn't explain, so is meaningless to anyone but himself. He talks a lot about admiring people whose names and specifics he never mentions, and then massively insults people like Herodes Atticus through omission (and negative anecdotes that imply him), someone who was a famous and powerful intellectual at the time, and a tutor that was a big part of his life- he had a lot to say about what he admired about his other tutors.

Re: I love my wife. My wife is dead (1946)

#86

Post by buck746 »

sharadov wrote: post #72
strenholme wrote: post #10

My wife died 10 years ago, so I understand that pain. Dealing with death is never easy. The thing I miss most about my wife is the depth of emotional connection; she knew everything about me being very deeply in love with me and everything I did really mattered to her. It has taken me nearly 10 years to build a network of friends who can give me comparable levels of socialization and attention; I have about two dozen…

I am so happy that you were able to build that emotional connection. My dad is terminally ill and often I think about what I will miss most when he is no more. And I realized it would be the depth of emotional connection - a person who knows you in and out and unconditionally loves you. I try to steel myself about the coming eventuality, but all I know is it's going to be a deep abyss and it will take everything to c…

I lost my mom to cancer when I was 17. She fought with it for 6.5 years prior. Even knowing it was coming it was devastating. 24 years later I still miss her, I'm sure I always will. It hurts knowing that I'm now older than she was when she passed.

When it happened it was the worst emotional pain I had experienced, it does get better in time. Your feelings are valid. You don't have to feel whatever anyone else thinks you should feel. It feels cliche that it gets better in time, in my experience tho it does. I'm sorry your dad and family is going thru that. Oddly I found Cyberpunk 2077 to be therapeutic on coming to terms with that situation. In the game you play a character who essentially has a terminal disease, there are a lot of moments in the game that rang very true to the emotions I experienced.

When your dad eventually departs, you are allowed to feel anything. I have been the type to laugh at a funeral remembering something funny the departed said or did. If you feel like crying that's ok too.

Re: I love my wife. My wife is dead (1946)

#87

Post by sharadov »

buck746 wrote: post #86
sharadov wrote: post #72

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I am so happy that you were able to build that emotional connection. My dad is terminally ill and often I think about what I will miss most when he is no more. And I realized it would be the depth of emotional connection - a person who knows you in and out and unconditionally loves you. I try to steel myself about the coming eventuality, but all I know is it's going to be a deep abyss and it will take everything to c…

I lost my mom to cancer when I was 17. She fought with it for 6.5 years prior. Even knowing it was coming it was devastating. 24 years later I still miss her, I'm sure I always will. It hurts knowing that I'm now older than she was when she passed. When it happened it was the worst emotional pain I had experienced, it does get better in time. Your feelings are valid. You don't have to feel whatever anyone else thinks…

Thanks for the kind words.

Re: I love my wife. My wife is dead (1946)

#88

Post by multjoy »

karaterobot wrote: post #46
mrweasel wrote: post #8

On one hand I am happy that we have things like Marcus Aurelius' Meditations, on the other I feel that peoples private and unpublished writings should be kept private. It's reasonable enough to let a limited number of researchers access private documents, but the broader public, no. This isn't a letter meant for us, it's not meant for anyone to read and I feel that publishing it is a little disrespectful.

If anyone believes people have a right to decide what information about them is made public, but believes they lose that right after death, I'd love to hear the argument for that. For me, the basis for accepting the first proposition is that you buy in to self-determination as a value in and of itself, worth respecting not just because the person is around to stop you from doing whatever you want to them. In other wo…

Because you are dead. You have ceased to be and your wishes no longer bind the living beyond the division of your assets, and even then that is only because of bitter legal argument between the survivors of an estate.

Re: I love my wife. My wife is dead (1946)

#89

Post by jll29 »

seanhunter wrote: post #81
criddell wrote: post #75

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If you die before your partner, do you want them to remain single the rest of their lives? If that were to happen to me, I definitely want my wife to love and be loved again.

There is an absolutely heartbreaking(to me at least) moment in the classics in "Sayings of the Spartan Women" when Leonidas is leading his men to Thermophylae to almost certain death at the hands of the Persians his wife asks him what she should do if he dies and he says "Marry a good man, and bear good children." I think this is amazing. He wants her to lead a happy and full life. I for sure would want that for my w…

That's because true love is unselfish.

The idea of a couple that belongs together beyond death might sound romantic but is ultimately too tough on the one left behind, especially if the loving couple are separated with the "leftover" still being relatively young.

(On a side note, I'm positively excited to read a quote on HN that dates from about 480 before Christ. It surely is still relevant two and a half thousand years later.)

Re: I love my wife. My wife is dead (1946)

#90

Post by jll29 »

patcon wrote: post #51
dang wrote: post #47

Reposts are fine after a year or so but this topic had a major thread within the last year, so the current post counts as a dupe by HN's standard. See https://news.ycombinator.com/newsfaq.html . Love after life: Richard Feynman's letter to his departed wife (2017) - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=37914958 - Oct 2023 (127 comments) Earlier threads, in case of interest: No Other Love: Letters from Richard Feynman…

REPOSTED from deleted top level comment. @dang I'm seeing that it was posted 7 months ago: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=37914958 I appreciate the rules, but am very disappointed. There are some incredibly moving comments in here. I rarely feel as connected to the hacker news community as when reading these comments. The fact that it was erased off the front page for some rigid application of the rules, that l…

Dang is a fantastic moderator (thanks for your services, @dang!), and yet I also agree with the parent poster that this thread has been special.

[No good rule without worthy exceptions ;-).]

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