Growing up in the southern rural part of India, where traditions are deeply rooted, and now living in a progressive Western society, I have been reflecting on a pressing issue that continues to plague our society: dowry. While poverty, lack of education, and gender inequality contribute to this problem, the most terrifying aspect is that society has normalized and accepted it as the status quo. Even among the brightest minds I encountered at a national university, seven out of ten of my acquaintances personally admitted to accepting dowry during their marriages. This stark reality left me feeling a mixture of sadness and disappointment, as it demonstrated that even individuals with progressive thoughts and ideologies on paper still engage in this archaic practice.
The article I read regarding dowry failed to address a crucial point – it presented the issue in binary terms. For women who grow up in rural areas and get married within their local communities, the crux of the problem lies in the gray area. While cases of physical torture inflicted by husbands or their families for dowry exist, they represent a minority compared to the emotional torture women endure if they fail to meet expectations.
Let me share an example involving a close relative of mine. Her daughter was married into a local community, and before the wedding, an agreement was made to provide a dowry of 10,000 euros along with covering the wedding expenses. For my relatives, this was a significant sum, and they managed to gather around 70% of the agreed amount, which they handed over to the groom's family. Unfortunately, their efforts were met with disappointment. The real problems for the girl began a month after the wedding. She was not treated with respect or equality in her new home. Her husband never supported her and constantly criticized everything she did, as did her mother and father-in-law. While they never resorted to physical abuse, the emotional abuse she endured was indescribable. Constant pestering, undermining her upbringing, and calling her unfit for everything took a severe toll on her mental health. She even contemplated suicide multiple times.
Now, at this point, many of you might feel sympathetic and wish to offer advice, which I'm sure can be categorized into the following three options:
Why can't she divorce him and pursue a happier life? It may seem easy for us to suggest, as we are not the ones who have to face the consequences. Unfortunately, in India, especially in rural areas, divorce still remains a taboo, and mental health concerns are often disregarded. She believes that enduring emotional suffering is a better option than going through a divorce. She has resigned herself to her fate, feeling that she cannot change it and must work with what she has. This sad reality is further compounded if she has children, amplifying her sense of entrapment.
Why not report the family to the police and hold them accountable? Let's consider the scenario in which she lodges a complaint. What is likely to happen? The police may issue a warning to the family, given the absence of physical abuse. However, this would only widen the divide between her and her husband's family. The alternative, as we have already discussed, is divorce.
Consequently, she finds herself trapped in an endless loop of suffering, seeking solace and happiness through her children. As a child, I remember her as a beautiful and vibrant charismatic woman. However, when I see her now, all I see is the profound sorrow buried within her eyes. Yet, she still wears a smile for her children and clings to a tiny glimmer of optimism that tomorrow will be better.