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I thought I’d have accomplished a lot more today and also before I was 35 (2020)

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Re: I thought I’d have accomplished a lot more today and also before I was 35 (2020)

#81

Post by caffeine »

xvector wrote: post #39
cik wrote: post #28

There's something cross cultural here that just doesn't cross. I can't relate. I'm responsible for me - my success, my failures. I also sure as hell better check on my neighbour and lend a hand. Fulfilment comes from within, not externally. Results driven fulfilment comes from the gradual achievement of small goals, slowly combining into larger goals. They can be as small, as simple as reading a book. The best advice…

> Fulfilment comes from within, not externally. I am 26 and this is has been the hardest thing for me to come to terms with over the past few years. I thought I'd be happier with a high paying job. So I got a job that pays at the 99.9th percentile for my age. Didn't really make me happier. Then I thought my unhappiness was because of my weight. So I lost 90lbs. Hardest thing I've ever done. But it didn't make me happ…

Two things to think about:

1. Maybe steady-state “feeling happiness” isn’t a good goal? Like, so what if you “feel happy?” If that’s all you want, opiates are widely available.

Maybe a better set of goals would be “peak satisfaction” combined with tangible external outcomes that you consider worthwhile.

2. The accomplishments you have listed are mostly about yourself. They feel empty now because you have basically got yourself under control. What can you improve in the world outside yourself? Can you improve the company where you work? Or your family in some tangible way?

I’ll give you one small example:

My cousin and his wife had failed two expensive rounds of IVF already, and they are comfortable but not in high paying jobs. They were struggling to afford another round. They had asked the family for help with a go fund me but didn’t come close to what was needed.

I had just gotten a bonus, and the total amount needed (several $K) was an amount I could well afford so I just sent it to them. I didn’t make it a big deal, and made sure they understood they owe me nothing.

To this day, I get a warm glow of satisfaction when I see my niece or they send pictures.

Way more than what I get from checking my bank account or reflecting on other “self” accomplishments.

Re: I thought I’d have accomplished a lot more today and also before I was 35 (2020)

#82

Post by imtringued »

AndrewThrowaway wrote: post #58
dagw wrote: post #11

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Elon Musk was born privileged Only relatively speaking. There are a whole lot of people grew up with a hell of a lot more "privilege" than Musk and who have accomplished far far less.

One could argue that Musk's achievements are nagative net sum to human race. Better car? With all this money and influence personalities like that could shape for much better future - livable, walkable cities, public transport, social guarantees. Private cars in private tunnels for the rich? Is this what we call "achievement"? "There will be no traffic jams in LA because I will be riging my car in private tunnel"? Ro…

>Private cars in private tunnels for the rich? Is this what we call "achievement"? "There will be no traffic jams in LA because I will be riging my car in private tunnel"?

https://www.reddit.com/r/BoringCompany/comments/rxduxn/elon_...

It's kind of amusing how Elon Musk has to discover the car problem his own way. The tunnel is basically only lacking rails and an appropriately sized tram. Maybe he will catch on?

Re: I thought I’d have accomplished a lot more today and also before I was 35 (2020)

#83

Post by cmollis »

eixiepia wrote: post #18

The problem with many people today, is that their only measure of success is whether they are a success in the eyes of others, often strangers or people they don't even care about. Find out what you really want, don't care what others think. This way it's much more realistic to have success, and you will probably also be much happier. I don't think many would want to be a CEO if they didn't care what others think.

I really only stopped caring what people thought after I got divorced (I was 43 at the time). Before that, it was 'the big house', 'the bmw', 'running the cool business'.. ostensibly, showing off to everyone else how impressive I could be (I wasn't). I felt like a fraud because I hated what I was doing. Others still had more money, a bigger house, and a cooler car. It was an arms race and I was losing. But when all of that was stripped away after the divorce, it was again, just me.. along with my three young kids in my two bedroom apartment. I realized that all of that was stupid, and really didn't contribute anything to who I really was. I was forced to do only what was absolutely necessary.. to stop being selfish and focus on my kids and rebuilding my life. Although I was struggling, it was liberating. Now I could regain what I lost: money, sure..I was always pretty good at my job, but mostly my humility. I didn't come from much, which I used to wear as a badge of honor when I was younger. Losing a lot of 'stuff' made stop caring about where I lived, or what I drove. I could just simply 'focus' on what I personally felt was important, not someone else's arbitrary standard. Now I drive around my neighborhood (in my 12 year old honda) looking at all the late 30-40 year olds racing inexorably towards their collective mid-life crises, doing their home improvements, driving their Teslas that they can't afford, berating their kids because they're not impeccably perfect in every way and I think to myself : 'yeah, I know.. it's coming for you too'..

Re: I thought I’d have accomplished a lot more today and also before I was 35 (2020)

#84

Post by kinnth »

Well that was quite apt. I just turned 36 today and a lot of it resonates. Perhaps the more you learn, the more pressure you put on yourself to perform. Most of those people who he quotes probably thought a lot less but ended up doing a lot more.

Say yes to more things, don't conform and never regret.

Re: I thought I’d have accomplished a lot more today and also before I was 35 (2020)

#85

Post by dr_hooo »

kochikame wrote: post #8
AussieWog93 wrote: post #6

Poor bastard. I think a lot of older people really don't understand this, but our generation (late millennials, or at least middle-class late millennials) were genuinely fed the lie our whole life that we were special and could do anything. At some point, you have to admit to yourself that you're just an ordinary human being and Elon Musk has something special that you don't have. Only when you're in this mindset can…

Elon Musk was born privileged and is probably wrong about a whole bunch of things. I don't think it's an appropriate or useful point of comaprison.

Doesn't matter in this context though: > has something special that you don't have

OP's point is that it's not solely up to you to just "do anything".

Re: I thought I’d have accomplished a lot more today and also before I was 35 (2020)

#86

Post by sussexby »

This resonates somewhat as I turned 35… today.

I thought I would have accomplished a lot more but I also:

- fail to recognise my accomplishments to-date

- cross-compare with others around me (even if they’re not in the same situation)

- have to recognise the variability created by choosing to have others in my life (spouse, children)

I reel when I think about some of my decisions - e.g. not buying a home for my family and continuing to rent but I have to accept that some of that is not all my fault - housing is increasingly expensive and I’ve not been blessed with the same 5-figure deposit contribution from family that my friends have had. I also need to recognise the concept of home ownership is an ideal informed from the previous generation and may or may not be as relevant today.

I do resent the increasing encroachment of work into the home. The delineation between home and work today is tiny and it becomes very difficult to maintain separation between personal / family / work. This becomes especially hard when work expectations ramp up and how we’re all international now. At times I’ve felt like a vessel for family and work duties with no time left in the calendar for personal pursuit.

When it’s difficult to nurture your personal self and develop that internal satisfaction and success, I feel we try to seek that same satisfaction/success in the other domains of family and work which monopolise our calendar and as such look at the measures of success there (a nice car, a decent career, a lofty job title, great family holidays, etc…).

Re: I thought I’d have accomplished a lot more today and also before I was 35 (2020)

#87

Post by 2000UltraDeluxe »

5350-uiop-1130 wrote: post #50

my idea of success, in order: 1. financial independence (enough passive income not to work if i prefer) 2. own my own home (large enough to grow a family) 3. have a family In my mid 30s, pretty much given up on 3 and 2, as 3 depends on 2. So I am just left with 1 to aim for.

That's unreasonable expectations for most, to be honest. I don't know if it's just because it's the HN bubble where everyone seems to be a USD millionaire and run their own successful startups, or if it's a general thing enabled by modern media trends (or something else entirely).

Regardless, it's perfectly possible to succeed at having a happy and fulfilling life without being financially independent. #2 can be achieved if one moves out of the more attractive areas where housing is often far cheaper than in the more hip areas. It may have consequences like an increased commute, or a lower salary, but again, having enough money to never having work isn't going to happen for most of us.

Re: I thought I’d have accomplished a lot more today and also before I was 35 (2020)

#88

Post by bloqs »

xvector wrote: post #39
cik wrote: post #28

There's something cross cultural here that just doesn't cross. I can't relate. I'm responsible for me - my success, my failures. I also sure as hell better check on my neighbour and lend a hand. Fulfilment comes from within, not externally. Results driven fulfilment comes from the gradual achievement of small goals, slowly combining into larger goals. They can be as small, as simple as reading a book. The best advice…

> Fulfilment comes from within, not externally. I am 26 and this is has been the hardest thing for me to come to terms with over the past few years. I thought I'd be happier with a high paying job. So I got a job that pays at the 99.9th percentile for my age. Didn't really make me happier. Then I thought my unhappiness was because of my weight. So I lost 90lbs. Hardest thing I've ever done. But it didn't make me happ…

The pursuit of happiness specifically is pointless, and vague. What you need is meaning. Meaningful pursuit is something that you truly, deeply believe in doing because it will make the world better, both for you, and everyone in it.

Re: I thought I’d have accomplished a lot more today and also before I was 35 (2020)

#89

Post by icoder »

apples_oranges wrote: post #77
cik wrote: post #28

There's something cross cultural here that just doesn't cross. I can't relate. I'm responsible for me - my success, my failures. I also sure as hell better check on my neighbour and lend a hand. Fulfilment comes from within, not externally. Results driven fulfilment comes from the gradual achievement of small goals, slowly combining into larger goals. They can be as small, as simple as reading a book. The best advice…

I also like that approach, but I get sidetracked. For example I have to wait for a CI build to finish, or for the compiler.. then I come here.. and write comments..

I worked on a lab, wait times What somewhat worked for me was time tracking based on my screen's focus (I use Timing for Mac, timingapp.com, no affiliation whatsoever). If anything it makes me aware, but since I use it for billing my hours, there's an incentive to minimise it to keep the day (at least somewhat) short.

Today's for working on my own stuff, so no tracking, hence me falling for the same traps again, and writing this comment. Probably should do it on a day like today as well.

Re: I thought I’d have accomplished a lot more today and also before I was 35 (2020)

#90

Post by arethuza »

pmoriarty wrote: post #53
cik wrote: post #28

There's something cross cultural here that just doesn't cross. I can't relate. I'm responsible for me - my success, my failures. I also sure as hell better check on my neighbour and lend a hand. Fulfilment comes from within, not externally. Results driven fulfilment comes from the gradual achievement of small goals, slowly combining into larger goals. They can be as small, as simple as reading a book. The best advice…

"I'm responsible for me - my success, my failures... Fulfilment comes from within, not externally." What's external and what's internal? Where do your desires come from? Your hopes? Some people think they are the masters of their mind, that what they feel come from them, but what about the influence of their parents, their friends, the movies they watch, the books they read, advertising, music, social media? We swim…

I'm in my 50s and I like to think I've had a reasonable career so far.

However, by far the most fulfilling thing I've done for a long long time is helping out in a foodbank in a nearby town.

So my biggest regret at the moment is actually realising that, at least for me, helping other people actually can be rather more fulfilling than achieving purely personal goals - I wish I'd realised this sooner.

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