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Being kind to others is good for your health

bbc.com

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Re: Being kind to others is good for your health

#81

Post by momokoko »

awillen wrote: post #74
bluetomcat wrote: post #58

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I live in New York, which has a basic culture of "hyper aggressiveness" A defining trait of American culture is hyperactivity. Commenting on trivial stuff, moving around restlessly while holding a drink, despise for idle time. The "kindness" thing is a form of hyper-expressivity which is rarely seen in calm cultures.

This is one of those generalizations that just doesn't work for a country with hundreds of millions of people. You think those in the South and Midwest are hyperactive? Hardly. Those in sleepy beach towns? Nah. If you think that there are defining traits of that many people in a country that varies so greatly in terms of geography, lifestyle, religion and culture, then you just don't know what you're talking about.

I definitely think Europeans and others from homogeneous or smaller countries struggle to understand the variety and diversity of culture of the United States.

Re: Being kind to others is good for your health

#83

Post by 0xbadcafebee »

slx26 wrote: post #48

When you are kind to others, that tends to create a connection and a shared space with others. You belong more. But what if you only make anonymous donations, or help others in ways that are "kind" but do not allow others to connect with you? What's the contribution of kindness as "morally positive actions", and the contribution of kindness as a "social(-izing) activity"?

Kindness can help yourself. You can be kind to yourself by giving yourself space to rest, or not beat yourself up. Or you can help yourself feel that you are having a positive effect on the world by donating. You are actually allowed to feel good for donating, you know :)

Re: Being kind to others is good for your health

#84

Post by ohyes »

AndrewUnmuted wrote: post #52
ChrisMarshallNY wrote: post #49

The only issue that I have, is that so many people (in my industry/nation/orbit) mistake kindness for weakness. I live in New York, which has a basic culture of "hyper aggressiveness." It isn't "rudeness," as so many people like to think of New Yorkers. They can be aggressively kind and generous. They are just aggressive. I'm also in the tech industry, which seems to have a very aggressive and competitive culture. It…

> It isn't "rudeness," as so many people like to think of New Yorkers. I've always suspected the perceived "rudeness" comes not from the residents of New York, but rather the people from neighboring locations that commute into New York for work. New Jersey, I'm lookin' at you.

Ah, yes, the classic “no true New Yorker” fallacy.

Re: Being kind to others is good for your health

#85

Post by closeparen »

warent wrote: post #63
ChrisMarshallNY wrote: post #49

The only issue that I have, is that so many people (in my industry/nation/orbit) mistake kindness for weakness. I live in New York, which has a basic culture of "hyper aggressiveness." It isn't "rudeness," as so many people like to think of New Yorkers. They can be aggressively kind and generous. They are just aggressive. I'm also in the tech industry, which seems to have a very aggressive and competitive culture. It…

Kindness takes courage. There seem to be a lot of people who live at a level of abstraction where they perceive every interaction as being about dominance and submission. In my humble opinion it is a very limited mindset. I consider myself to be generous person, and also slow to anger. As a result, there are people who think they hit the jackpot and found a submissive pushover who is like a flimsy tree that will bend…

Encountering people who live on that level can be a trip. I went to lunch with some classmates after lecture. I had been fixated on the content. But the salient facts to one of my classmates were instead: who had spoken, with how much confidence, how often, for how long, how the professor seemed to feel about it.

It was eye opening. There was this whole other dimension to the room, which I could barely see, but to her it was front and center.

I don’t aspire to be like that primarily or exclusively, but sometimes it’s helpful to notice and pay attention to.

Re: Being kind to others is good for your health

#86

Post by ohyes »

ChrisMarshallNY wrote: post #65
iamcreasy wrote: post #53

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> they start trying to "game" me. Can you elaborate on it? I don't have much experience interacting with people.

It can take many forms. Folks each have their own "schtick," but it's what they are after that matters. 1) Money 2) Property They want me to give them money or goods. 3) Prestige They want me to feed a need for prestige. This can be as simple as agreeing with them in public, an endorsement or referral, or a requirement for some kind of submissive fawning. I started to write up a detailed description of how this can h…

> I have spent my entire adult life amongst some very aggressive and manipulative people, and keeping a good relationship with them, while gently enforcing personal boundaries, has always been a challenge.

Okay, I’ll bite, why would you keep people like this around you? It sounds unpleasant.

Re: Being kind to others is good for your health

#87

Post by what2build »

awillen wrote: post #74
bluetomcat wrote: post #58

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I live in New York, which has a basic culture of "hyper aggressiveness" A defining trait of American culture is hyperactivity. Commenting on trivial stuff, moving around restlessly while holding a drink, despise for idle time. The "kindness" thing is a form of hyper-expressivity which is rarely seen in calm cultures.

This is one of those generalizations that just doesn't work for a country with hundreds of millions of people. You think those in the South and Midwest are hyperactive? Hardly. Those in sleepy beach towns? Nah. If you think that there are defining traits of that many people in a country that varies so greatly in terms of geography, lifestyle, religion and culture, then you just don't know what you're talking about.

The majority live in urban areas where constant input of human activity is probably making them anxious and insane.

I have tinnitus in the city.

I go to the mountains and it’s gone.

Keeping ratings and quarterly growth up is, to my mind, emergent of people who live densely.

Intuiting incorrectly that lots of people moving around organically means life is to be lived on the go.

Re: Being kind to others is good for your health

#88

Post by go13 »

ChrisMarshallNY wrote: post #49

The only issue that I have, is that so many people (in my industry/nation/orbit) mistake kindness for weakness. I live in New York, which has a basic culture of "hyper aggressiveness." It isn't "rudeness," as so many people like to think of New Yorkers. They can be aggressively kind and generous. They are just aggressive. I'm also in the tech industry, which seems to have a very aggressive and competitive culture. It…

Maybe that's because you are giving your kindness to the wrong people?

And for the kindness to be appreciated and not considered as weakness you need to select who to give it to properly. And for that you need to be judgemental.

And bbc and current mainstream median culture will not tell you to be judgemental.

Why? Because they they want to be the teller what is right and what is wrong - not you.

Re: Being kind to others is good for your health

#89

Post by bluetomcat »

awillen wrote: post #74
bluetomcat wrote: post #58

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I live in New York, which has a basic culture of "hyper aggressiveness" A defining trait of American culture is hyperactivity. Commenting on trivial stuff, moving around restlessly while holding a drink, despise for idle time. The "kindness" thing is a form of hyper-expressivity which is rarely seen in calm cultures.

This is one of those generalizations that just doesn't work for a country with hundreds of millions of people. You think those in the South and Midwest are hyperactive? Hardly. Those in sleepy beach towns? Nah. If you think that there are defining traits of that many people in a country that varies so greatly in terms of geography, lifestyle, religion and culture, then you just don't know what you're talking about.

As a European, I have had numerous work relationships and occasional acquaintances with Americans from California, Arizona, Idaho and NY. Yes, everyone has a different personality and the region matters, but compared to my own Eastern European culture, the difference in mood, confidence and talkativity is rather consistent. Maybe my sample of American people is not completely representative, but these are just my observations as an outsider.

Re: Being kind to others is good for your health

#90

Post by bumby »

danenania wrote: post #75
bumby wrote: post #64

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If you’re applying game theory here, I’m curious what the objective function would be? (What are you trying to maximize/minimize?) I think a potential flaw is assuming people are static beings. Consider if you passed me shortly after my dog died...I may not be in a mental state to even notice you said anything. If we passed weeks or months later I could be in a completely different state but we’re still not connectin…

The goal is to maximize how much of your social time and energy is spent on mutually rewarding interactions and relationships relative to one-sided or exploitative interactions and relationships. A constraint is wanting to remain open to potentially rewarding new relationships (so not simply closing yourself off to people who aren't already in your circle). Another constraint is remaining flexible for when people upd…

While I can understand your perspective and probably would completely agree in the past, it still strikes me as rooted in a transactional expectation. “I did something so now it’s incumbent on you to do something.” My definition of compassion doesn’t encompass giving compassion only if I have the promise of receiving it in return. I also think you can be non-transactional while still having boundaries. Not saying hi back is probably a boundary we’d disagree on.

I found it only feels wrong because I expected something. So the problem is as much in my expectation as their behavior and based in a faulty assumption that interactions are a zero sum game. I don’t always embody non-transactional compassionate behavior but having tried both approaches, once you can get past the expectations of what people can do for you, I find it a better way to live.

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