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The Secret to a Happy Marriage: Do the Dishes, Put Out, Don’t Talk So Much

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Re: The Secret to a Happy Marriage: Do the Dishes, Put Out, Don’t Talk So Much

#81

Post by Dylanlacey »

OasisG wrote: post #5

Then party like it's 1950. ETA: With the growing number of men who refuse to pick up every check, plan every date/event, act as sole provider for the family, purchase gifts regularly for their other half, etc. for fear of marrying a woman who is too focused on money... I'm really beginning to wonder what women are getting out of this marriage deal anymore.

Wow, I don't know, the same thing the men are getting, an equal life-partner who they have a very strong emotional attachment to? There's the legal benefits for both partners, social recognition of your relationship, legal benefits for any children, possibly the sanction of your chosen religion...

Sure, if what you want from a relationship is things, stuff, and to not have to work, more power to you... But I have no respect for you.

Re: The Secret to a Happy Marriage: Do the Dishes, Put Out, Don’t Talk So Much

#82

Post by r00fus »

tertius wrote: post #57
r00fus wrote: post #32

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Find a way to infect her friend with this info/site. They'll be more likely to influence her than you.

I always found this very scary. If I'm not the largest influencer (positive/negative) then I have bigger problems to worry about.

You're thinking about it the wrong way... bartonfink's issue was that for this issue his input had a conflict of interest. You remove that by getting a separate person to lead the input... which you can reference later on.

This is not so different from the standard sales approach of gaining the confidence of an SME on the client side who advises the decision maker.

Re: The Secret to a Happy Marriage: Do the Dishes, Put Out, Don’t Talk So Much

#84

Post by derefr »

tertius wrote: post #69
narrator wrote: post #63

I think American women forget that marriage is a team sport not a struggle for feudal dominance of one partner over the other. It seems with American women there is always a very precise accounting of slights, perceived or otherwise, that are used to demand payment in humiliation or suffering of the other. It's like they're on the "Women team", always thinking to themselves what the "Women team leaders" will think of…

Those who do what you suggest should be taught in a loving relationship how negative their behaviour is. Even if the media encourages it. If there is dominance by either partner, the relationship will have difficulty staying healthy in the long run. As you say, family first. Both should view the other as having more importance than themselves. Not just one or neither.

> If there is dominance by either partner, the relationship will have difficulty staying healthy in the long run.

I think you mean, if there is dominance by both partners (i.e. one partner asserts dominance and the other resents them for it, or both partners vie for dominance), the relationship will have difficulty staying healthy in the long run. Well-defined D/s relationships, on the other hand, can be quite healthy.

Re: The Secret to a Happy Marriage: Do the Dishes, Put Out, Don’t Talk So Much

#85

Post by kenjackson »

colanderman wrote: post #78
jobrahms wrote: post #68

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Family therapists know this stuff already. Tell her that you want to make your marriage everything it could be and more, etc, etc, and get her to a therapist, where she'll learn it for herself. Worked for me ;)

Sounds way more expensive than: "Hunny, I appreciate that you want to help me remember what needs doing, but it's overwhelming if you tell me as soon as I come home from a long day at work. I know I have a habit of forgetting, so let's make a deal: if I forget to do something come 9 PM, I'll take on one of your chores the next day. Does that sound fair to you?" Or if your SO can take the hint from humor: "If I had a…

I always thought it was "honey" -- like the stuff bees make?

Re: The Secret to a Happy Marriage: Do the Dishes, Put Out, Don’t Talk So Much

#86

Post by pamelafox »

fefzero wrote: post #7

"But the real reason [married people gain weight] is moral hazard, or the tendency to take more risks and behave more irresponsibly when there are no consequences." I'd never equated being overweight as behaving irresponsibly. If everyone thought this way, would we all be thinner? If my spouse can't nag me to lose weight (see #1), is there anything she could do to encourage it, or is it all on me?

Recent research shows that obesity is caused more by the types of food that we eat than the amount that we eat. (And the types of food that surround us these days are increasingly the wrong kinds).

I would suggest that you and your wife do some research into obesity/nutrition and form a meal plan together. It is much easier to eat the right foods when you're doing it together. It's also fun to cook together. At least, that's working for me and my partner.

I suggest Gary Taube's or Mark Sisson's books for research.

Re: The Secret to a Happy Marriage: Do the Dishes, Put Out, Don’t Talk So Much

#87

Post by kenjackson »

haploid wrote: post #38
_h4xr wrote: post #26

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I recommend The Red Queen if you want to start learning about this. The short answer: men largely choose mates based on looks; women choose based more on social status. Signalling low social status reduces male attractiveness; signalling high social status raises it. n = 1, but this has worked for me. Deliberately act like you can take it or leave it, and you're unlikely to be left. (And note that women initiate the…

Both you and yummyfajitas are making the classic error of espousing an unpopular opinion amongst people who tend to irrationally believe magical romantic things about evolved bags of meat. It's a fairly well established biological fact( caveat - there are of course exceptions )that female primates, including humans, respond sexually favorably toward high status behavior on the part of males. The Red Queen is a good b…

The problem though is that not all women think like this. And if you actual are humble and not "manly" you may have actually bagged a woman who values that. Likewise, if you're an overweight woman, the man your with may actual like you being overweight. Losing 50 pounds could make you LESS attractive.

There's a big difference between optimizing behavior when you're single and trying to score as much as possible vs being in a relationship and trying to optimize your relations with that one particular person. You're no longer dealing with a population.

Re: The Secret to a Happy Marriage: Do the Dishes, Put Out, Don’t Talk So Much

#88

Post by spoondan »

hartror wrote: post #77
yummyfajitas wrote: post #60

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I love pop psychology books that tell me it is fine to be lazy and uncaring You are confusing normative and positive claims.

Sorry I don't understand your comment could you rephrase?

It's the difference between "do" and "should". He's saying the book claims to explain human behavior; it doesn't recommend or justify that behavior.

Re: The Secret to a Happy Marriage: Do the Dishes, Put Out, Don’t Talk So Much

#89

Post by dpritchett »

tptacek wrote: post #23
OasisG wrote: post #5

Then party like it's 1950. ETA: With the growing number of men who refuse to pick up every check, plan every date/event, act as sole provider for the family, purchase gifts regularly for their other half, etc. for fear of marrying a woman who is too focused on money... I'm really beginning to wonder what women are getting out of this marriage deal anymore.

I would like to know more about the 4 people that voted this comment up from zero.

I'd like to know why my comment pointing out the inherent flaw in the GP's argument (this advice works equally well for married people of either gender) was killed.

Re: The Secret to a Happy Marriage: Do the Dishes, Put Out, Don’t Talk So Much

#90

Post by sibsibsib »

colanderman wrote: post #78
jobrahms wrote: post #68

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Family therapists know this stuff already. Tell her that you want to make your marriage everything it could be and more, etc, etc, and get her to a therapist, where she'll learn it for herself. Worked for me ;)

Sounds way more expensive than: "Hunny, I appreciate that you want to help me remember what needs doing, but it's overwhelming if you tell me as soon as I come home from a long day at work. I know I have a habit of forgetting, so let's make a deal: if I forget to do something come 9 PM, I'll take on one of your chores the next day. Does that sound fair to you?" Or if your SO can take the hint from humor: "If I had a…

> "If I had a nickel for every time you told me to take out the trash when I was about to do it..."

This actually happens a lot... and then you don't get the credit for doing it, because she told you to do it :/

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