People Like You More Than You Know • Hacker News Board

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#81

Post by sooheon » Fri, Sep 21, 2018, 2:13 AM UTC

ianai wrote: post #58

DoreenMichele wrote: post #51

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is why you shouldn't be afraid to give out (truthful) compliments folks I've been seriously and repeatedly burned for doing that. I then spent years dialing it back. I'm 53 and only just now working on figuring out how to do that again without letting it turn into some shit show where everyone treats me like I'm their bitch. Every single guy I have ever gushed at about how keen he is has, without fail, promptly…

People also readily undervalue things that come to them easily - relationships, friendships, money, power, etc. I work at a multi billion dollar facility that is routinely taken for granted by workers. “Oh it’s just this place” sort of thing. I’ve known men and women to undervalue relationships that came to them easily. That exact concept was on display in Hemingway’s The Sun Also Rises. I think the “struggle” really…

> My working hypothesis is our brains are always learning - literally everything

Slightly tangential, but my favorite post on this topic: http://slatestarcodex.com/2017/09/05/book-review-surfing-unc...

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#82

Post by sooheon » Fri, Sep 21, 2018, 2:15 AM UTC

DoreenMichele wrote: post #70

ianai wrote: post #58

Earlier quoted context omitted.

People also readily undervalue things that come to them easily - relationships, friendships, money, power, etc. I work at a multi billion dollar facility that is routinely taken for granted by workers. “Oh it’s just this place” sort of thing. I’ve known men and women to undervalue relationships that came to them easily. That exact concept was on display in Hemingway’s The Sun Also Rises. I think the “struggle” really…

I think there are a lot of factors. A few that readily come to mind: Pecking order nonsense. People who are big believers in pecking order see you as "beneath" them if you compliment them. They then feel owed and like you are permanently required to kowtow to them and aren't allowed to quit. Prosody and tone matching. My son probably is incapable of these two things. He gets very negative social reactions from people…

Yep, humans are imperfectly evolved game-theoretic machines, and all of these petty signals are incredibly important.

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#83

Post by canadapups » Fri, Sep 21, 2018, 2:25 AM UTC

DoreenMichele wrote: post #70

ianai wrote: post #58

Earlier quoted context omitted.

People also readily undervalue things that come to them easily - relationships, friendships, money, power, etc. I work at a multi billion dollar facility that is routinely taken for granted by workers. “Oh it’s just this place” sort of thing. I’ve known men and women to undervalue relationships that came to them easily. That exact concept was on display in Hemingway’s The Sun Also Rises. I think the “struggle” really…

I think there are a lot of factors. A few that readily come to mind: Pecking order nonsense. People who are big believers in pecking order see you as "beneath" them if you compliment them. They then feel owed and like you are permanently required to kowtow to them and aren't allowed to quit. Prosody and tone matching. My son probably is incapable of these two things. He gets very negative social reactions from people…

The article title “people like you more than you know” might actually apply to you... From reading your past couple comments you might be perceiving that people are always trying to one-up you when that may not be their intention.

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#84

Post by toomanybeersies » Fri, Sep 21, 2018, 2:45 AM UTC

It's one thing to know this, but another to actually feel it.

For a variety of reasons, I get quite bad paranoia sometimes that nobody actually likes me. I feel like at best they tolerate me, and at worst are using me. It's a really shitty feeling to feel. It's caused me to drift away from a lot of friendships because I think "they don't really like me", and then months or years later, I run into them and they ask me why I drifted away.

It took me quite a lot of time to come to terms with the fact that it's just my brain fucking with me. I still can't shake the feeling sometimes, but at least I can recognise it and work around it. It's a weird cognitive dissonance to have, to know that all your friends like you and enjoy your company, but at the same time feeling like a piece of shit that nobody wants to be around.

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#85

Post by [deleted] » Fri, Sep 21, 2018, 2:50 AM UTC

DoreenMichele wrote: post #70

ianai wrote: post #58

Earlier quoted context omitted.

People also readily undervalue things that come to them easily - relationships, friendships, money, power, etc. I work at a multi billion dollar facility that is routinely taken for granted by workers. “Oh it’s just this place” sort of thing. I’ve known men and women to undervalue relationships that came to them easily. That exact concept was on display in Hemingway’s The Sun Also Rises. I think the “struggle” really…

I think there are a lot of factors. A few that readily come to mind: Pecking order nonsense. People who are big believers in pecking order see you as "beneath" them if you compliment them. They then feel owed and like you are permanently required to kowtow to them and aren't allowed to quit. Prosody and tone matching. My son probably is incapable of these two things. He gets very negative social reactions from people…

[deleted]

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#86

Post by captain_perl » Fri, Sep 21, 2018, 2:51 AM UTC

theoh wrote: post #54

nazka wrote: post #48

Earlier quoted context omitted.

He started to change a while back and now even more. I am sure you missed this that happened recently. https://lore.kernel.org/lkml/CA+55aFy+Hv9O5citAawS+mVZO+ywCK...

Have you seen that his statement was a reaction to a New Yorker investigation about how his attitude had discouraged women from contributing to the kernel? "Torvalds’s decision to step aside came after The New Yorker asked him a series of questions about his conduct for a story on complaints about his abusive behavior discouraging women from working as Linux-kernel programmers." He is in disgrace.

Linus has stated many times that he wants less beginners contributing to the kernel, especially the scheduler, which has nothing to do with gender.

Be thankful Linux is willing to be the BFDL, otherwise corporate interests will undo 20 years of progress.

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#87

Post by [deleted] » Fri, Sep 21, 2018, 2:56 AM UTC

make3 wrote: post #65

Balgair wrote: post #39

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Also, not trying to brag: I've also been told similar things, usually by people that thought less of me (or so I thought, sometimes for years). Typically it's a 'last day' phenomenon. I've had a fair few experiences where I was leaving a place and thought everyone had hated me, but, like you, I was totally wrong. There is one glaring exception though: my winter coat. It's really the only piece of clothing that I have…

or maybe it's just customary to tell anyone you think they are cool, really enjoyed working with them and wish them the best when they leave

[deleted]

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#88

Post by sulam » Fri, Sep 21, 2018, 2:58 AM UTC

I have a much better reason for not “mingling” than that: It’s a colossal waste of time! 60s conversations that inevitably end just when they might get interesting is pretty much my definition of hell.

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#89

Post by andrew_ » Fri, Sep 21, 2018, 4:09 AM UTC

This is true of open source contribution as well. A few moons ago, I (relatively) quietly stepped away from a rather large open source project that I had contributed a fair amount of impactful projects to. There was no fan-fair made about my departure from any party, including myself. As time passes and people find out, they've reached out to say how much they appreciated what I had done - much more so than when I was active on the project.

It's deeply satisfying on many levels to hear as much.

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#90

Post by andrew_ » Fri, Sep 21, 2018, 4:27 AM UTC

andrew_ wrote: post #89

This is true of open source contribution as well. A few moons ago, I (relatively) quietly stepped away from a rather large open source project that I had contributed a fair amount of impactful projects to. There was no fan-fair made about my departure from any party, including myself. As time passes and people find out, they've reached out to say how much they appreciated what I had done - much more so than when I wa…

smh. someone down-voted the good feels. I will find you, and I will hug you.