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Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

nytimes.com

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Re: Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

#81

Post by refurb »

alashley wrote: post #17
refurb wrote: post #10

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think what the author was trying to say is that every person is the wrong person to marry if you judge them by your expectations of what they should bring to the relationship.

I think interpersonal relationships is one of the places where it matters most to have expectations and standards. There will be trade-offs, but at the end of the day you need to be able to add to someone's life and vice versa. This whole low/no expectations thing can keep people in some pretty toxic situations. And if you have expectations, you also need to be able to extend yourself to meet the expectations of othe…

This was the expectation that the author believes makes everyone the wrong person to marry: that a perfect being exists who can meet all our needs and satisfy our every yearning

Re: Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

#82

Post by civilian »

carsongross wrote: post #48
rudolf0 wrote: post #43

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What point are you making? That children can't somehow add additional stress to a relationship?

That this is a solipsistic, melodramatic and, ultimately, immature analysis of marriage.

+1 looking for elaboration. I mostly agree and want to know your reasons!

Re: Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

#83

Post by ovulator »

up_and_up wrote: post #19

PROTIP: 1. Have a longterm vision/goal for your life that is achievable regardless of financial resources/location etc. 2. Find a partner in crime who shares that vision and is willing to join you on what will surely be a great adventure known as your life. Life will surely be no bed of roses. 3. Stress Test your relationship in some way to ensure the vision/goal is aligned. I decided I should marry my wife following…

Handle six months of adventure together?

Try eight years of monotony. I guess if you have the monetary means and nothing to tie you down to a monotonous lifestyle, this will be avoided. But for the standard 2 kids 9-5, good luck.

Not saying it isn't a stress test, but it just isn't the same. And the unfortunate truth is there is no test other than actually doing it.

Re: Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

#84

Post by norea-armozel »

I guess I count myself lucky in that I never bothered to look for anyone, not even in the context of casual sex. For me, people are such a complicated topic that I'd rather share my time with a cat than another human being. It's not to say that I don't enjoy the time I do share with my friend (yes, I literally just have one friend) but I can't see myself having anything but a friend or two in my life. I may be setting myself up for a lonely life in my later years but I've lived this way since college (never had much in the way of friends during my k-12 years). And honestly, I'd rather be lonely than miserable. I can always make a friend, but I can't unmake bad memories of a failed relationship/marriage.

Re: Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

#85

Post by [deleted] »

sgdread wrote: post #25
up_and_up wrote: post #19

PROTIP: 1. Have a longterm vision/goal for your life that is achievable regardless of financial resources/location etc. 2. Find a partner in crime who shares that vision and is willing to join you on what will surely be a great adventure known as your life. Life will surely be no bed of roses. 3. Stress Test your relationship in some way to ensure the vision/goal is aligned. I decided I should marry my wife following…

There're random factors you can't control. Good example is post-partum depression. Every child birth is 20% chance; once happening, it can significantly change both partners.

[deleted]

Re: Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

#86

Post by ambicapter »

friendly_chap wrote: post #49

Of course, you should not marry or have kids - that way you will be better separated, an easier to tame slave. Thanks for not having relationships, thanks for not having people who stand up for you!

Then again, how are you going to quit your job, with its sweet golden handcuffs of medical benefits, when you have kids to provide for?

Re: Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

#87

Post by mooseburger »

Aelinsaar wrote: post #31
sgdread wrote: post #25

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There're random factors you can't control. Good example is post-partum depression. Every child birth is 20% chance; once happening, it can significantly change both partners.

So don't have kids, we're not running out of people after all.

Much of the developed world is indeed running out of people though.

Re: Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

#88

Post by 11thEarlOfMar »

[0]

There are so many reasons why the whole marriage thing is a boondoggle. The most pithy is: 'Women marry men, expecting they will change. Men marry women, expecting they won't.' More often than not, both wind up disappointed.

Erring a bit more scientifically, the male and female brains are genuinely structured differently and process sensing input differently [1], [2]. It's no wonder they respond to the same situations differently. An anecdote: I've asked dozens of people: "What would you do if you were walking down the beach and you heard the screams of a child drowning?" The men unanimously say they'd dash to the water, tearing their clothes off as they run to the rescue. The women, not unanimously but overwhelmingly, say they'd run to get the life guard.

When the stakes are high in a marriage, agreeing on how to react can become very difficult and disagreement can lead to schisms in the relationship. It might be a disabled child, a layoff, a drunken one-night stand, serious accident, or any number of misfortunes. These misfortunes will push people into emotional territory they may have never been in before, and you can't know in advance how they'll react.

In the end, if you decide to marry, you're taking it on faith that the two of you will remain committed no matter what. You really have few indicators to go by.

[0] Speaking strictly in terms of man/woman marriages, the only place I have experience.

[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Female_Brain_(book)

[2] http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/28/books/review/Bazelon-t.htm...

Re: Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

#89

Post by nostrebored »

11thEarlOfMar wrote: post #88

[0] There are so many reasons why the whole marriage thing is a boondoggle. The most pithy is: 'Women marry men, expecting they will change. Men marry women, expecting they won't.' More often than not, both wind up disappointed. Erring a bit more scientifically, the male and female brains are genuinely structured differently and process sensing input differently [1], [2]. It's no wonder they respond to the same situa…

[0][1][2] I still can't honestly believe that people actually believe in brain sex. Swathes of neuroscience researchers have told you that it's disingenuous, it's a classic tool of projecting inferiority onto women, and it ignores the reality of neuroplasticity. The brains of taxi drivers are different than the brains of the general population -- does this mean that we consider them to be naturally born to be taxi drivers?

Your anecdote reeks of social conditioning. This is literally a social trope.

My partner and I make decisions together and rationally, figuring out the best course of action for the two of us. Miraculously, even with her lady-brain, we're able to come to a consensus and agree with each other before talking the majority of the time.

[0] http://www.sciencemag.org/news/2015/11/brains-men-and-women-... [1] http://blogs.scientificamerican.com/talking-back/is-the-brai... [2] http://gender.stanford.edu/news/2011/is-female-brain-innatel...

Re: Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

#90

Post by andrewfromx »

andrewfromx wrote: post #34
Aelinsaar wrote: post #31

Earlier quoted context omitted.

So don't have kids, we're not running out of people after all.

such a valid choice! We should have irreversible sterilization ceremonies for couples that want to decide at age 30 they wish to remain married without kids for the rest of their lives. The trouble with the choice now without sterilization is the option to have kids is always there and available. i.e. if u have a kid the domino falls in one direction. But if you choose not to have a kid the domino never falls. People…

why all the down votes? This would be optional! Just like a couple decides to have kids, they can decide to do this.
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