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On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness

residentcontrarian.substack.com

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Re: On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness

#791

Post by kelnos »

standardUser wrote: post #676
addison-lee wrote: post #645

Earlier quoted context omitted.

And there it is, your bias is exactly the problem. Per https://www.nsvrc.org/statistics 81% of women experience sexual harassment/assault in their lifetimes along with 43% of men. Please educate yourself and stop spreading the lie that men are not sexually assaulted, it’s incredibly destructive.

Less than half? Seems like my statement was factual, but that didn't stop you from jumping all over it to make some kind of point.

43% of a certain group of people experiencing something does not at all track with "will likely never" experience that something.

Re: On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness

#792

Post by yazaddaruvala »

serverholic wrote: post #644
Balgair wrote: post #466

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> but the fact is that women despise weak men. I'd say this is true for all genders and people. Homosexual people also display this tendency just as well as heterosexual males. Heck, even in friendships, it can be hard to enjoy being with a buddy that is going through a deep funk despite all your efforts to rouse them out of it. People want to be with people like themselves. Misery loves company, and vice-versa

A weak woman will still be able to find a man to take care of her. A weak man not so much.

> A weak woman will still be able to find a man to take care of her.

It might not be a "strength" you recognize, but attracting a mate/caregiver implies some clear "strength".

Re: On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness

#793

Post by old_fart_dev »

dandare wrote: post #694

Remark 1: To my knowledge, it is not uncommon that men switch genders when sharing their stories on reddit simply to get more empathic reception as opposed to some "men up" rebuttal. I did that after a therapist told me a man can not be abused by woman, I wanted to see if I am really emotionally abused or just crazy. It was very helpful. Remark 2: I vividly remember those gnawing feelings of sexual and romantic unful…

On remark 2 - I think these feelings of unfulfillment are very common among young men (and women I imagine), but at that age, it's hard to find an audience of peers mature enough to discuss these feelings without falling into stereotypes and tropes (e.g. "bro" advice).

On remark 3 - These are political debates, not conversations. There's no amount of data or statistics you can throw into the conversation that's going to convince either side to stop advocating their viewpoint.

Re: On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness

#794

Post by troway357924 »

serverholic wrote: post #648
colmvp wrote: post #263

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Some of my best friends are women and have been there for me in ways that my other guy friends certainly haven't during bouts of loneliness during times of lockdowns. But perhaps it is different when it comes to partners.

Assuming you're a straight male, I dare you to cry in front of your girlfriend/wife.

I'll never forget the girlfriend who when I showed emotional vulnerability grabbed that knife and twisted it in the wound, telling me to man up. More painful than the immediate situation was the realization that I couldn't rely on her, that she was a fairweather girlfriend. Yes I broke up with her and yes I talked to a therapist about it. Never had a guy say anything like that to me. Other girlfriends have been there for me and were very supportive.

Maybe some parts of toxic masculinity are perpetuated more by women and the media than other men.

Re: On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness

#795

Post by RhysU »

serverholic wrote: post #648
colmvp wrote: post #263

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Some of my best friends are women and have been there for me in ways that my other guy friends certainly haven't during bouts of loneliness during times of lockdowns. But perhaps it is different when it comes to partners.

Assuming you're a straight male, I dare you to cry in front of your girlfriend/wife.

... Outside of grieving death. Grieving death is acceptable within a short period of the loss.

Re: On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness

#796

Post by throwaway1492 »

krrrh wrote: post #724
nradov wrote: post #682

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Exposure to phthalates reduces testosterone in both men and women, and thus lowers sex drive. Phthalates are widely used chemicals, primarily for softening plastic. https://news.umich.edu/reduced-testosterone-tied-to-chemical... That's not the only cause. Increased obesity levels also play a role. Probably other factors.

Widely and freely available HD porn too. It’s easier than ever for people to use it as a substitute, and it reduces the drive to seduce. It contributes to a downward spiral of satisficing. Edit: Getting downvotes from folks in denial. I’m not making this stuff up, college students rarely used to have ED, now porn-induced ED is quite common. Many such cases! [0] [0] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5039517…

I have a dead post in this thread for basically the same thing, very odd reaction I don't understand.

Re: On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness

#797

Post by troway357924 »

toyg wrote: post #221
spoonjim wrote: post #140

Essentially, what we have right now in the sexual marketplace echoes what we have in the economy... a lot of the sex is being had by a small fraction of the people. The need for sex is perhaps as high as the need for money but nobody talks about this crushing inequality, perhaps because there is no practical way to “tax and redistribute” sex. The problem is worse for men since a man needs a certain set of skills and…

> there is no practical way to “tax and redistribute” sex. But there is a way to improve supply: give dignity to prostitution.

The movie Her is prophetic. The way to improve supply is with sex robots.

Re: On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness

#798

Post by a_puppy »

xiphias2 wrote: post #773
a_puppy wrote: post #510

I'm a guy who has, for my entire life, struggled to form romantic relationships. For a long time, I also struggled to form friendships. So I've spent quite a bit of time thinking about this, and here are my thoughts: The term "incel" is used to mean two wildly different things: - One meaning is "an incel is someone who's single and complains about it". Statistically, a few percent of 30-year-old men are virgins. Some…

There is no easy solution, but there is a simple solution (simple is often hard to do): work out 5x1.5 hours a week for a year (and then don't stop) and eat healthy. I was incel for a long time because I believed that personality matters with dating (it matters for finding a long term partner, but not for getting laid). The ,,game'' helped incels (including me) to go even more on the wrong path.

I appreciate you trying to help, but I don't think your advice is really applicable to me personally. My problem isn't that I'm ugly; in fact, I'm probably slightly above average attractiveness. My problem is that I have trouble forming relationships because my social skills are broken, and I have a ton of lingering trauma from being shunned by my peers for most of my childhood. (But everybody's situation is different, and your advice could be certainly be very helpful for some people!)

Re: On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness

#799

Post by kemayo »

letonmorri wrote: post #730
kemayo wrote: post #522

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Not necessarily -- it could just as well imply that 19-29 year old women are having entirely-monogamous sex with men outside (hopefully above ) the 18-29 range. Also, that 18-29 chart is about people looking for a relationship. The data about actually-having-sex [1] used different age ranges, breaking up 18-24 and 25-34. It shows a spike of no-sex in 18-24 men, which evens out with women once they're into the 25-35 r…

Your idea doesn't make sense since women report higher sexual partners than men in ALL age groups in the figure you linked,

No they don't. In every age group there's more men than women in the 2 and >3 partners categories, while women are visibly ahead in the 1 partner category.

Based purely on that figure, we can reasonably say that after age 18-24 men and women are about as likely to have had sex with at least one person in the last year (within the error bars of each other), with men being more likely to have had sex with more than one person in the last year.

Re: On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness

#800

Post by spoonjim »

johnnyanmac wrote: post #677
lotsofpulp wrote: post #363

Earlier quoted context omitted.

But fixing income inequality would presumably reduce the number of women willing to sell sex, so you're back to square 1.

Fixing income inequality creates more opportunities to perform activities, which leads to more socialization leading to more potential romantic encounters. Hard to think about a spouse when you're making $8/hr but spending 33% of your life behind a counter. I also wager a portion of the people who feel they "need but can't get sex" may also learn that what they desired wasn't what they actually cared that much about.…

Do you think lower income people have less sex?
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