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Talking to strangers at the gym

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Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#751

Post by ap99 »

mtlynch wrote: post #80

One of the things I like about this is that OP is giving people genuine compliments without any particular agenda. It reminds me of one of my favorite parts of How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie, where he tells a story about complimenting someone, and a student asks what he was hoping to gain from offering the compliment. Carnegie is incensed: > I was waiting in line to register a letter in the…

Ok yes, pushing positivity into the universe is better than pushing nothing or negativity.

But there are people who will flatter purely for gain. I think being aware of which is which is very useful.

Also who is giving the compliment will factor into how I receive it.

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#752

Post by nathanielks »

Kiro wrote: post #490
nathanielks wrote: post #395

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> If not, I will not let you know. This is 100% completely on you, then. If you don't inform people you're being interrupted or that what they are doing is bothering you, they have no data to telling them to stop, and any energy you spend on silently judging them or being frustrated is only harming yourself.

No, it's on you. You can stop before you even begin by simply not interrupt and bother people for no reason. You're creating a problem and then blame me for not stopping it.

You realize _anytime_ someone needs to talk to you would qualify as interrupting and bothering someone else? Your expectation is unreasonable. Good luck with that.

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#753

Post by Otterly99 »

JohnBooty wrote: post #630
SoftTalker wrote: post #275

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think it's quite clearly the second part of the title. If it was just "How to Win Friends" it might be something more people don't dismiss just based on the title. "... and Influence People" makes it sound like that's the purpose of befriending someone, i.e. getting them to do what you want, or to do something for you.

"Influence" is a perfectly neutral term. Martin Luther King Jr. influenced people. Gandhi influenced people. Mozart influenced people. Your favorite teacher influenced you.

I think it has taken a rather negative connotation with the development of psychology, marketing and "influencers" which are usually people that try to influence you to buy into something.

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#754

Post by cubefox »

gjulianm wrote: post #419
cubefox wrote: post #412

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> The people likely to talk to strangers unprompted are also likely to ignore those kind of messages. No, that obviously false. They might be more likely, but they are certainly not likely.

I don’t think it’s false, much less obviously false. On one hand I have my personal experience about it, on the other you can see there’s only a small range in the “I want a conversation” scale where they want it enough to ignore the nonverbal signs that the person doesn’t want to talk but not enough to ignore the verbal ones.

Well, I don't see a "small range" at all. It's the opposite, extroverted pleople usually have better social skills than ones with social anxiety.

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#755

Post by soperj »

SamBam wrote: post #737
soperj wrote: post #234

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I guess I should edit it to just compliments are my biggest red flag, and it's born out of experience. These people are looking for something either now or in the future, and this bullshit false niceness is simply their way of cultivating a network of people that they can use.

My wife is a great compliment giver. She'll walk down the street and see a person wearing a great shirt and say "Oh my God, I love that shirt! It looks so great on you!" The other person will smile and laugh, and they'll exchange a couple other words, and then be on their way. What do you think my wife is looking for that's a red flag?

It feels different. I did say red flag and not "People that give compliments are terrible people". Random strangers that I never see again I wouldn't really hold on to flags for.

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#756

Post by soperj »

crazygringo wrote: post #514
soperj wrote: post #234

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I guess I should edit it to just compliments are my biggest red flag, and it's born out of experience. These people are looking for something either now or in the future, and this bullshit false niceness is simply their way of cultivating a network of people that they can use.

I'm sorry that's been your experience. I don't know where you live; and I know this can be a cultural thing. But in America at least, it's not usually bullshit or false. It's not a means to an end. I will compliment servers and cashiers and receptionist just because it makes everyone friendlier and we all enjoy our brief interaction more than we would otherwise. It would be nonsensical to say I was using them. For wh…

> I will compliment servers and cashiers and receptionist just because it makes everyone friendlier and we all enjoy our brief interaction more than we would otherwise.

It's been my experience that many of these people hate that, and that the reason they seem to enjoy it is that that's what they're trained to do.

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#757

Post by jmye »

temp8830 wrote: post #730
xico wrote: post #712

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Well, force yourself to care. I'd argue that there is a very strong value in doing something good, not just because it's genetically or socially imprinted on you, but because you actually decide to do it. This applies to everything, there is no merit in being good at something just because you were born that way.

But the question was different: it wasn't "can I get good at this flowery small talk if it doesn't come naturally?", it was "is flowery small talk genuine care?" I would posit that no, it is not. And it's not even unambiguously a good thing. There are plenty of cultures where people are described as cold until you get to know them, but once you do - they'd die for you. To me, that is genuine care. The American "Hiii!…

Giving someone, as in this thread, a genuine compliment that you mean sincerely isn't "flowery small talk" and it's sort of depressing that you think that it is.

No one in this thread is talking about your example except for you, and it would perhaps do you well to reflect on why you read things that way.

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#758

Post by prizym »

A recent psychology book covers the science of talking to strangers: "Once Upon a Stranger: The science of how 'small' talk can lead to a Big Life" by Dr. Gillian Sandstrom. Generally there seems to be quite a growing interest in researching both talking to strangers, weak ties, etc.

The book tells stories about her experience as an introvert and her journey in coming to love the interactions, using humility, humour, and science (both hers and that by other researchers).

A few points I like made by Dr. Sandstrom:

- low stakes way to create a sense of community, as well as addressing social anxiety that is more pervasive these days

- the existence of a "liking gap", where people like you more than you think

- there is value in these "weak" interactions, even if they're small

- most conversations don't go anywhere, and that's okay. Few are outright failures

- acronyms like QuICK (Question, In Common, Kindness) to think of conversation starters

- [EDIT: added] it can be easier to talk to strangers about some topics, rather than to close connections

- [EDIT: added after reading some other comments] it doesn't need to be about gaining "influence", "networking", etc.

[Note: I know the author, but it doesn't change the fact it's a good and useful (IMHO) book :)]

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#759

Post by jmye »

weregiraffe wrote: post #663
dweekly wrote: post #415

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My read on the book was "humans are really good at telling if you genuinely care about them or not and will respond well to that, so you should genuinely care about the people around you, and good things will result from that overall, especially if you're not super mercenary about it." Bill & Ted said it most pithily: be excellent to each other.

How can you make yourself genuinely care about something you don't care about? It sounds as plausible as changing your own sexual orientation.

I genuinely care about my friend. He's really into bee-keeping. I don't care at all about bees. But he cares about it, so I ask questions because I care about him. I have now learned enough about his bee-keeping to be legitimately interested in whether, say, his bees survived the winter or to be upset with him that an invading swarm killed them.

The simple answer to your question, I think, is that you probably can't "make yourself" care about a specific thing at the drop of the hat. But if you care deeply about other things, especially tangential things, it's relatively easy to learn to care about new things you learn about.

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#760

Post by 121789 »

skizm wrote: post #748
mindstorms6 wrote: post #547

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> 1. Be on a quest. Yes a quest. This is unbelievably true. I did a scavenger hunt (challenge hunt?) in Seattle (hosted by a friend of a friend). Many of the challenges involved interacting with other humans (dance with a stranger, buy someone you don't know a shot, give someone you don't know a rose, etc) It was so fun. I've never met so many people before. But it struck me how excited everyone was to help out on my…

NYC was the complete opposite. Our company did a scavenger hunt and people were so annoyed at us for interacting with them when they realized we needed more than just directions. If others overheard they’d start edging away or making themselves busy. I’ll be totally honest, I’m the same way, which is why I fit in here I guess lol.

ha we did the same thing but had the opposite experience. lots of people willing to help
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