"Lighten up"

She sat through the rest of the interview like a professional and then came home to unload it. The thought of her continuing to sit through an interview after having that happens is unbelievably infuriating to me even today. If there's ever anything I can do to harm the interests of someone who I know did that, I will (my wife, who often has a cooler head than I, is past this and would disapprove of me providing details about who did this).

Your legitimate options in this case are, as I understand it:

(a) Instantly acknowledge that you will never in a million years work for a team where this could happen and then passively coast through the rest of the interview and get out as fast as you can, and/or

(b) Document everything that happened and provide it to the manager of whoever interviewed you (in Erin's case: no such manager!) --- incidentally, having stuff like this happen in an interview creates a radioactive statutory liability which any employer with a general counsel will probably fire the interviewer over. or

(c) Out them publicly to take a stand. Be sure you're right.

Option (c) has a lot of benefits to the community; option (b) is the direct response that will have the most immediate impact to the situation; option (a) is (unfortunately) usually the most coldly rational.

I agree. The "asked to put together" is the offensive part. I consider myself lucky to work with people that I do want to hang out with, and sometimes we collectively decide to plan a social event together, but having it come top-down really riles me up.

Yeah, reading that again this AM, I totally missed that point. Somehow read it as the inverse. I agree with it 100%

Not to put too fine a point on it but, forthrightness always makes one vulnerable. I'd say that's part of the reason it's valuable and part of the reason people are sometimes afraid to be so. When you openly (and kindly) share your grievances with someone, you give them a chance to respond, either with understanding or retaliation. It's entirely reasonable to fear retaliation because people often feel attacked as well when accused of something, but if we don't give people the chance to behave rightly, how can we blame them when they behave wrongly? People deserve the chance to be good and if they don't know they've wronged you, they haven't had that chance.

Let me give you an example of what I mean. When Charles Dickens originally wrote Oliver Twist he included the character of Fagin, who a stereotypical 'evil Jew.' Many Jewish people were rightly offended and later when Dickens made some Jewish friends they explained to him why they found the character so offensive. Dickens took what they said to heart and removed direct reference to the character's Jewishness in later reprints. Imagine if Dicken's friends, instead of reasoning with him, spread rumors about him and turned the world against him. Instead of making him less of an anti-Semite it would have merely made him more paranoid, and more afraid of Jews than ever.

People who are forthright and reasonable gain respect, people who aggressive, either sneakily or openly, gain fear, but not respect. I respect you for being honest here and I hope you continue to be so, but understand that I could not possibly trust someone who behaved in the manner you describe.

Well, I guess I ought to weigh in on this one, since I am the interviewee in question. First, the story.

During the interview, I was interrupted while answering a question with, "I think I have a tick." My brain immediately thinks, "He's on eBay and has just won a copy of The Tick." But then he swivels the monitor around to show me a flesh-colored rectangle with a round, red area in the middle of it. I'm pretty sure that while we were talking, he stuck the camera into the back of his trousers and took the picture, as I recall seeing a flash and him fiddling with connecting the camera. However, it was my first interview in a long time, and I was very nervous about returning to paid employment after 6 years as a stay-at-home-mom.

What did I do? I gave him instructions for how to remove it. After all, I am a mom.

So... I've been "in technology" for a long time. In middle school, I picked the locks to let myself into the computer lab. In high school, I was the only female student in CS (also trigonometry and pre-calc). In college, I was the only female ever in the computer lab. I studied audio engineering -- which is a great deal less friendly to women (or was) than IT. I have dealt with a lot of weird situations that would not have occurred if I were male. On the plus side, I've never had to wait in line for the toilet.

This is my opinion: shit is going to happen and you have to roll with it. Given your life experience and temperament, this may be challenging for you. But if you want something bad enough, you'll find a way to get it, no matter how much shit you have to step in on the way.

My observations: men harass each other with equal or greater tendency than their female peers. Myself, I have said things to my male co-workers that have caused them to make the "that was inappropriate" flinch. Also, we can't squelch biology, no matter how smart we are -- if there are boobs in view, his lizard brain is going to notice them.

My hypothesis: men are socialized to shrug it off or suck it up, and may even become desensitized to it after a while. Women are socialized differently. To be frank, I don't completely "get women," even though I am one. Two events in my life have forced me to interact with large and varied groups of women, first being motherhood and second being roller derby training. I somehow managed to offend some of these women, and I'm never quite sure how I do it. But once it happens... they pretty much avoid me like I'm diseased. Anyone, male or female, who reacts to something unsavory in this way is simply going to have a harder time getting by in business. Or anything else, for that matter. Curiously, women seem to be much, much better than men at ignoring their lizard brain. Might be nature, might be nurture, but it is a definite advantage.

If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to lighten up (or, in the case of my mom, Erliechda!), I'd be driving a Veyron around my private island. And sometimes it does weigh pretty heavily on me that, no matter how hard I bust my ass, there is always going to be some person who wants to write me off for attributes I cannot control. But that's where you learn who your friends are, right? There is a long list of people in my life who have plenty of respect for me, ask me for advice on stuff and things, and treat me like a regular human being. I prefer to be thankful for those people than let the rest drag me down.

Katie, you get nothing but empathy from me for how you feel, despite how critical this post may sound. I have a son and a daughter. The world does treat them differently. Nobody has ever "taken me aside" to tell me I am "going to have trouble" with my son when he gets older. It's flat out offensive to have a teacher deride my baby girl for being outspoken and spunky. It is painful to see what criticism does to her self-esteem. When someone IWASJUSTs you, they are being twice rude. So this is what I told both my kids, "If you had a $20, would you give it to $BULLY_NAME?"

"No," they responded.

Well, if you wouldn't give someone a $20, then don't give them the power to hurt your feelings.