Burnout

I've reached a similar conclusion lately in dealing with burnout. I'm trying to figure out who I really want to be, rather than what I thought I was supposed to be.

It wasn't so much movies,books,etc, but as a 34 yr-old ex-computer geek of the 90's, I'm dealing with my own "expectations" complex.

I spent day and night back then on computers, building them, fixing them, coding, fixing them at schools, local businesses, for parents, friends, friends of my parents, etc, and I heard over and over and over again that I was "a genius" or "the next Bill Gates" and so on.

Well, turns out I'm not "the next Bill Gates". But I sure have spent the last 10 years trying to figure out how to live up to those high expectations.

As a result, I've become relatively successful in my business, but I'm always combating burnout as I wonder if what I'm doing is really what I should actually be doing with my life - or if this is just a response to all the praise I had as a teenager because I had that natural knack for computers back in the day when people still thought CD-ROMs were cup holders (joke).

I'm sure I'm not alone in this HN crowd. Many of you in your 30's must have had a similar experience. At least I know my own friends back then did.

And yes, I do feel that need to be "recognized" for some reason. Why the heck is that?

Mind shooting me an email when it's up?

That's a pretty neat project. Since it's a big effort, you shouldn't beat yourself up about it.

You should be honest with yourself about motivations and reasons for doing open source. Do it because you like tinkering, not because it's a resume-builder. Truth is, open source is not a meritocracy, it's more of a lottery. I've been mildly successful (as in, entranced a nascent community) at it for a time, but I found it a bit stressful with expectations and all.

PS: do you work at 8th Light?

I was one of those 12 year olds hanging out on usenet and slashdot about 15 years ago. I was exposed to technology, computational/mathematical language/jargon, the social pressures of continual growth and development, and so on, at a very young age, and it is most certainly a part of my core identity.

I still burnt out. I was working on my PhD in computer security and it took me 2 years to recover from 8 years of straight schooling and essentially no social life, or at best, a negative social life.

Growing up, I did not learn how to relax. I did not learn how to balance my mental and social health needs with my desires of who I wanted to be when I was 30. I did not learn how to balance my need to constantly be praised by my peers for my hard work and intelligence, with my need for social support, compassion, and understanding for when I failed (or was in the process of failing).

I burnt out really bad. I didn't have anyone to turn to because I was ashamed. I do have to say HN helped me look at failure in a different light, as a learning experience that I would likely value forever, but I still don't know if given the choice again, I would choose to experience it in the way I did.

I don't like to believe that learning trade offs are the same, generally, for each generation, but my experience tells me they are. Now I spend my time learning other things, like how to talk to people without turning into a frozen ball of nerves.

In my mind, the term burnout is incorrectly used as a synonym for 'overworked and stressed to the point of collapse'. Whilst for me burnout means an expiry of enthusiasm and motivation which is a subtle difference perhaps.