American Dads Became the Parents Their Fathers Never Were • Hacker News Board

Re: American Dads Became the Parents Their Fathers Never Were

#71

Post by bombcar » Thu, Apr 30, 2026, 11:18 PM UTC

dividefuel wrote: post #58

gib444 wrote: post #23

I feel there is a trend of not fully appreciating what fathers who spend less time with kids actually do. I think that's unfair, frankly. Many of them do things that contribute to the family in other ways. What was my Dad busy doing? Focusing on his career in order to provide for his family. Doing hobbies that increased his skill set. Fixing the house to ensure we all had a nice safe place to live. Tending to the gar…

I think you have a point: many men work hard to provide stability for their family, and are effectively sacrificing family time to provide that. This kind of hard work feels undervalued in modern parenting discourse, which seems to put most value on time directly spent with children or on direct day-to-day tasks (dishes, cooking, etc). An example anecdote: my friend works construction. Lots of long hours of hard labo…

Often there’s unsaid things that have “comparative” simple solutions - not working less but getting the wife a few hours a week “off duty” kind of things.

Re: American Dads Became the Parents Their Fathers Never Were

#72

Post by david-gpu » Thu, Apr 30, 2026, 11:19 PM UTC

giantg2 wrote: post #64

sjhatfield wrote: post #18

I think this only applies to certain segments of society. My child has type 1 so I'm active on Facebook groups for parents. The number of mums who say their partner is not involved really at all in their child's care is so sad. The child's own father can't supervise their child solo because they can't manage the care. And then the divorced parents. Oh boy...

"The number of mums who say their partner is not involved really at all in their child's care is so sad." While that can be true, I wonder how much of it is true. It's pretty common in therapy to hear partners saying the other one doesn't contribute, but further investigation can often turn up observation biases.

Without proper statistics we can't know. But I do wonder why is it that if you spend any time on parenting websites you find lots of mothers complaining about deadbeat husbands, and so few fathers complaining about deadbeat wives. Purely anecdotal, but it is very lopsided, and it has made me wonder why is it.

I am a dad, FWIW.

Re: American Dads Became the Parents Their Fathers Never Were

#73

Post by bombcar » Thu, Apr 30, 2026, 11:19 PM UTC

throwway120385 wrote: post #10

mlboss wrote: post #2

It is also kind of forced. Modern industrial society wants to extract as much productivity out of workforce as possible. What that means is in 1965 one income was able to sustain a household but now we need two incomes. There is no dedicated support for kids now so fathers have to give up time and mothers have to exchange child-mother bonding time from kids to the company. The real benefiter of this is the capitalist…

My spouse and I are single-income and I still try. It's not about economic output, but rather there are things I want my son to know that I can only teach him by being present in his life. > How about we start paying market price to the parent who takes care of the kids irrespective of mothers or fathers ? Investing in next generation is way more important than making useless widgets faster. Considering that the curr…

The US already does heavily subsidize kids unless you make a brazillion dollars anyway.

Count the EITC and the child tax credit as “wife income” if you must. Also the increase in the standard deduction.

Re: American Dads Became the Parents Their Fathers Never Were

#74

Post by veryfancy » Thu, Apr 30, 2026, 11:19 PM UTC

pkaler wrote: post #13

Yup. Woke up at 6am. Child 1 woke up at 7am. Dropped her off at daycare at 8am. All the other children were being dropped off by their dads, too. Full day of work ahead. Dinner at 6pm. Bath at 7pm. Bedtime and story at 8pm. Usually calls with Bangalore from 9pm to midnight but it's Labour Day over there. Sleep at midnight. Rinse. Repeat.

And it’s great.

Re: American Dads Became the Parents Their Fathers Never Were

#75

Post by bombcar » Thu, Apr 30, 2026, 11:21 PM UTC

popalchemist wrote: post #20

whateveracct wrote: post #12

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I help with my kid a lot, and I'm remote so I do it around the clock. I take contact naps, change every diaper, watch her for periods of time so my wife is free. my wife doesn't work. and she didn't work before we had a baby. because one of our salaries was enough, so instead we work less. and again due to remote work, work has barely been top 5 in my life focus areas for the last decade.

You are by far the exception.

He might be the exception in your circles but there are many out there mimicking him, and it’s not only the Amish.

Out of close family and friends I only know of … three where they both work, and none have kids.

Re: American Dads Became the Parents Their Fathers Never Were

#76

Post by geodel » Thu, Apr 30, 2026, 11:22 PM UTC

LeifCarrotson wrote: post #62

ipsento606 wrote: post #57

I can't help but wonder about the relationship between fathers (and, in fact, all parents) spending more time with their children, and people choosing to have fewer children, and later. I think it's unquestionably true that fathers spending more time with their children is, on the whole, much better for those children. But it's also true that it's a huge problem for society that people are having fewer children. And…

If fathers spending more time with their children is better for the children but worse for ~~society~~the economy, is that really even a question worth considering? Screw the economy, love your kid (or kids).

Well it is worth considering. Unless one think they and their children can just exist beyond space and time of where society, economy exist.

Re: American Dads Became the Parents Their Fathers Never Were

#77

Post by bombcar » Thu, Apr 30, 2026, 11:22 PM UTC

K0balt wrote: post #28

SoftTalker wrote: post #15

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Kind of forced economically but also culturally. In the 1950s, fathers worked and paid for everything. Mothers raised the kids. This was taught in schools, girls were steered into marriage, motherhood, and housekeeping and men into vocations or college. Let's not pretend that many women didn't go to work so they could have more, and feel like they were a more complete person. Many people just don't want to be pigeonh…

Don’t imagine that it wasn’t heavily promoted by industrialites after they saw that after ww2 they could increase the labor force by 30 percent without paying more than they were before. Everything that starts out with a few well meaning people is, especially now, immediately turned into an astroturfing campaign to fuel some specific economic or political (is there really a difference?) end.

The FIRE movement is in direct opposition to this and should be encouraged for that alone - as it reduces the pool of workers.

Re: American Dads Became the Parents Their Fathers Never Were

#78

Post by bombcar » Thu, Apr 30, 2026, 11:24 PM UTC

gurumeditations wrote: post #47

hagbard_c wrote: post #19

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> The real benefiter of this is the capitalist ... Tired old socialist rhetoric. The real benefiter of this is the state which can now have many times the tax base at the price of none. Where women used to take care of the children and do the housekeeping those tasks are now often done by paid day care, taxed by the state and paid help, again taxed by the state. From a single tax payer a family - father, mother, two…

That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Yes, it’s not the capitalists making trillions from the free doubling of labor supply, it’s the politicians taking their 10%… Guess who owns the politicians! How can you be so ignorant.

They can be in collusion and/or one and the same.

And you don’t need snidely whiplash to create an evil master plan, it can just be how everything “naturally” works out.

Re: American Dads Became the Parents Their Fathers Never Were

#79

Post by david-gpu » Thu, Apr 30, 2026, 11:24 PM UTC

mothballed wrote: post #65

ipsento606 wrote: post #57

I can't help but wonder about the relationship between fathers (and, in fact, all parents) spending more time with their children, and people choosing to have fewer children, and later. I think it's unquestionably true that fathers spending more time with their children is, on the whole, much better for those children. But it's also true that it's a huge problem for society that people are having fewer children. And…

I think it is. It's discouraged and unspoken, but a lot of men don't like spending time with children. I mean for weeks or months, sure, but when you have a kid it drags on for years 24/7 and nothing but having your own child will really reveal to you how that turns out for you. As it turns out, I don't enjoy extended time with children. My bad, but I power through it for the sake of the child. In older times that wo…

In the same way you power through taking care of your kids, not because you enjoy it but because you prioritize their well-being, how likely is it that moms are generally doing the same? It seems to me like men have been historically avoiding this child-rearing responsibility, moreso than women enjoying doing so.

I can tell you that my wife and I are both exhausted of taking care of them 24/7. It is not something we do for funsies.

Re: American Dads Became the Parents Their Fathers Never Were

#80

Post by mschuster91 » Thu, Apr 30, 2026, 11:24 PM UTC

compiler-guy wrote: post #63

michaelchisari wrote: post #55

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Except "trad" households (full time SAHM in a nuclear home) are not traditional. Tradition is not something only the upper-middle class in a post-war boom attained for a short period of time. Throughout human history, it was rare for only two people to raise a child, let alone one. Or for women to not bring money into the home. Like many "trad" trends, it's based more on advertising and television than history.

At the very least, you need a whole society of aunts and uncles and grandparents and cousins, and deep friends to truly do any kind of traditional family structure in the traditional way. Otherwise it's just emulating an extremely narrow portion of the trad that didn't exactly exist in the first place.

> At the very least, you need a whole society of aunts and uncles and grandparents and cousins, and deep friends to truly do any kind of traditional family structure in the traditional way.

"It takes a village to raise a child" was meant literally. However, the glory of capitalism required people to move to where the jobs were, turning that millennia-old principle upside down ever since industrialization. And car culture was the ultimate fatal blow, when children can't even walk their own neighborhood any more.