A Programmer's Loss of Identity

> “I’m a null pointer exception debugger.”

NullPointerException is the Java world. In C++, dereferencing a null pointer is rather undefined behaviour.

Being a grown up man with a family and a kid, I gradually care less and less about my economical "social identity". It is not exciting at all. I bring bread to the table for the family. I am among the backbone of the society i.e. people who pays the largest amount of tax proportional to their income, while receiving very little benefit from the government.

Why do I even want this identity? I have to wear this hat simply because we living in a modern feudal world.

Now come back to the "social identity" defined in the article -- "computer programmers". I do care about this identity, but as all identities, like tags, you gotta beautify it a bit -- you have to attach some meaning to it. Without the personal meaning, you handle the power of definition to other people, who naturally don't care about you.

The tag I created for myself is "Kernel Programmer", initials in capital letters. My motto is "There are programmers, and there are system programmers, and ultimately there are kernel programmers" and I want to put it on my table in print. Don't get me wrong though, my work has nothing to do with kernel programming. It is not system programming either. It is even more abstract (and boring) than your usual FE/BE programming. But I do kernel programming as a hobby, and as a hobby I'm my own master and I'm willing to apply the most stringent standard to myself, which I'll never do the same to my work BTW.

And who can say that I'm not a kernel programmer even when it is just the XV6 kernel? Who can say that I'm not serious about kernel programming when I'm ready to write as many tests as I can imagine for a very early Linux kernel?

Life is meaningless and I have to create meanings out of the void. That's it.

> chosen to use fear and intimidation to help sell the agenda of the big tech CEOs who, in turn, have somehow managed to use coal-fired GPUs to capture society’s output and sell it back to us, while converting a significant portion of the economy into an expanding envelope of hot gas

I work for a very big tech company and I have no one to share this with.

What struck me most is the distinction between programming as an activity vs. programming as an identity.

I've been a programmer for 15+ years, now running engineering teams. The transition forced me to confront this exact identity crisis - am I still "a programmer" if I spend more time reviewing PRs, designing systems at the whiteboard, and coaching junior engineers than writing code?

What I've realized: the craft I fell in love with - understanding systems deeply, reasoning about tradeoffs, building elegant solutions - that doesn't require typing code. It's a way of thinking.

The social identity issue is real though. When I was actively coding, I had opinions on frameworks, war stories from production fires, and the satisfaction of shipped features. Now my "war stories" are about organizational design and hiring. Different tribe.

Maybe the healthier framing is: programming is something I do (and love), not something I am. That way, when the activity changes - whether due to AI, career evolution, or burnout - the core identity remains intact.

That said, I still sneak in side projects on weekends. The joy of making something work is irreplaceable.

Flipping burgers really isn't that difficult. It was my first job, and I even have nostalgia for it at times.

If I had to go do that again, the main problem would for me would be that I don't think I could stand in one place for that long anymore, my thigh and lower back start stinging and want me to sit down (at least they do when I cook at home).

I interacted with way more people at a fast food restaurant than I do now, and got to interact with customers as well. Which wasn't always positive, but it was at least interesting to see all the various people that came in.

Also it was a lot more laid back and less serious than what I do now (which is work on web apps for large corporations).

Also at least I knew what I worked on was going to get used. I've been on too many projects that end up getting cancelled, or only used by a small handful of (high paying) clients, etc. Or specific features that end up getting cancelled or delayed indefinitely, etc.

Too bad it pays so little, or I'd actually consider it for a change of pace (well, more likely I'd want to try being a barista instead, that seems more enjoyable and a lot less walking on greasy floors).