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Always Invite Anna

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Re: Always Invite Anna

#71

Post by ryandrake »

63stack wrote: post #45
BeetleB wrote: post #29

By the time you get to my age, your list of potential Anna's will be in the high dozens. You simply cannot keep this up with all the Anna's. A lot of people genuinely don't want to hang out with you. Likely that number exceeds the "real" Anna's by an order of magnitude. If there's someone I particularly like, I'll keep inviting him. But if the person is otherwise normal (e.g. clearly has a social life), I invite 3-5…

I had the same opinion and I am surprised by the amount of feelgood responses in this thread. Anna needs to realize that the amount of people who have the time and willingness to invite someone out for _years_ while receicing no is very low. These friends need to be treasured and appreciated, and Anna needs to make an effort by saying yes sometimes, or at least expressing what she's going through. The friends are mak…

I came here to make a feelgood response and I’m shocked by the highly upvoted grumpiness!

“It costs nothing to be kind.”

Whenever I go anywhere or make plans to do something social, I try to invite everyone I can. You’re sending the invite already, the marginal extra keystrokes it takes to add someone is trivial. And even if you know they’re not interested, the invitation might bring them some joy, so why not?

Life is not a game where people build up points with you and you start to be kind to them only if they maintain themselves above a threshold.

Re: Always Invite Anna

#72

Post by teapot7 »

dexterdog wrote: post #49
efsavage wrote: post #36

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I overheard two very outgoing co-workers once, where one asked the other if he was having his holiday party. "It was last weekend", he said. "Oh, I didn't get an invite" "That's because you never come" She looked shocked, I think she genuinely didn't know what to say. After an awkward silence she said, "but I liked to be invited" "I'll happily invite you next year if you promise to come" She smiled politely and walke…

It's probably just ego on the one side. That person likes to be invited to feel like they are the more valuable person in the relationship. If I were the other person I would make sure that invitation is never extended.

Or because they're shy and antisocial but it's nice to think that they're part of the gang - as the original article was all about.

Re: Always Invite Anna

#73

Post by the_snooze »

ryandrake wrote: post #71
63stack wrote: post #45

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I had the same opinion and I am surprised by the amount of feelgood responses in this thread. Anna needs to realize that the amount of people who have the time and willingness to invite someone out for _years_ while receicing no is very low. These friends need to be treasured and appreciated, and Anna needs to make an effort by saying yes sometimes, or at least expressing what she's going through. The friends are mak…

I came here to make a feelgood response and I’m shocked by the highly upvoted grumpiness! “It costs nothing to be kind.” Whenever I go anywhere or make plans to do something social, I try to invite everyone I can. You’re sending the invite already, the marginal extra keystrokes it takes to add someone is trivial. And even if you know they’re not interested, the invitation might bring them some joy, so why not? Life i…

Extending an invitation is indeed a kindness. But repeatedly declining them signals that the invitations are unwelcome and unvalued. It's really that simple. Relationships aren't one-sided.

Re: Always Invite Anna

#74

Post by dzungfz »

This is really heartwarming. To be honest, I’m the kind of person who always wants to include others—invite them, reach out, make sure they know they belong. But sometimes when people reject the invites, I feel like “maybe someone like Anna in the story doesn’t really want to be with me.” Today I learned something from Alexei: “I know she’s always going to say no, but that’s not the point. I invite her so she’ll always feel included in the group.”

Re: Always Invite Anna

#75

Post by ryandrake »

the_snooze wrote: post #73
ryandrake wrote: post #71

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I came here to make a feelgood response and I’m shocked by the highly upvoted grumpiness! “It costs nothing to be kind.” Whenever I go anywhere or make plans to do something social, I try to invite everyone I can. You’re sending the invite already, the marginal extra keystrokes it takes to add someone is trivial. And even if you know they’re not interested, the invitation might bring them some joy, so why not? Life i…

Extending an invitation is indeed a kindness. But repeatedly declining them signals that the invitations are unwelcome and unvalued. It's really that simple. Relationships aren't one-sided.

Coincidentally, I just had a conversation with my wife about this. She likes doing girls-night with her friends, but she gets frustrated that nobody else prompts it. They always say yes, and they always have a good time, but she complains that it’s always her doing the inviting, and that it’s one-sided.

To me, a relationship doesn’t need two people to maintain and keep it going: it only really needs one, so be that one person!

I realize people are busy and have their own lives, but I still call, I still ask how they are, I still ask what they’ve been up to. Gestures like these are tiny, tiny investments that pay off in the form of a rich, robust social life.

Nobody has ever told me stop reaching out, stop trying, but if they did, of course I would.

Re: Always Invite Anna

#76

Post by gcanyon »

This reminds me of a friend of mine from my 20s. Every time I went by where he lived, which was the house we all hung out at, so this was 3-7 times a week, he'd say "Hi G, want a beer?" "No, I don't drink," I'd reply. "Really?" he'd ask. "No, Craig, not ever." And he'd hesitate a second and then say, "Whoa."

This went on for months.

Finally I asked him if he really didn't understand that I had never had, and never would have, any alcohol. My father was an alcoholic -- everyone in our crowd knew, and knew how I handled the situation. Craig replied, "Yeah, I just figure maybe someday you'll want to try it, so I ask to be nice."

Re: Always Invite Anna

#77

Post by the_snooze »

ryandrake wrote: post #75
the_snooze wrote: post #73

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Extending an invitation is indeed a kindness. But repeatedly declining them signals that the invitations are unwelcome and unvalued. It's really that simple. Relationships aren't one-sided.

Coincidentally, I just had a conversation with my wife about this. She likes doing girls-night with her friends, but she gets frustrated that nobody else prompts it. They always say yes, and they always have a good time, but she complains that it’s always her doing the inviting, and that it’s one-sided. To me, a relationship doesn’t need two people to maintain and keep it going: it only really needs one, so be that o…

We're talking about different things here. In the linked article, Anna never accepts the invitation, nor does she propose alternatives. It's OK for someone to intiate contact more often than others, as long as the counterparty actually accepts the invitation every so often (or picks up the phone or chats or responds positively). That's not the case with Anna, who repeatedly says "nah" in the face of consistent kindness and consideration.

Re: Always Invite Anna

#78

Post by matheusmoreira »

ryandrake wrote: post #71
63stack wrote: post #45

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I had the same opinion and I am surprised by the amount of feelgood responses in this thread. Anna needs to realize that the amount of people who have the time and willingness to invite someone out for _years_ while receicing no is very low. These friends need to be treasured and appreciated, and Anna needs to make an effort by saying yes sometimes, or at least expressing what she's going through. The friends are mak…

I came here to make a feelgood response and I’m shocked by the highly upvoted grumpiness! “It costs nothing to be kind.” Whenever I go anywhere or make plans to do something social, I try to invite everyone I can. You’re sending the invite already, the marginal extra keystrokes it takes to add someone is trivial. And even if you know they’re not interested, the invitation might bring them some joy, so why not? Life i…

> Life is not a game where people build up points with you and you start to be kind to them only if they maintain themselves above a threshold.

Be careful. It is trivial for others to take advantage of such selfless kindness. Ingratitude is common, as is sociopathy. Altruists often discover that the world does not reciprocate.

Re: Always Invite Anna

#79

Post by walterbell »

the_snooze wrote: post #77
ryandrake wrote: post #75

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Coincidentally, I just had a conversation with my wife about this. She likes doing girls-night with her friends, but she gets frustrated that nobody else prompts it. They always say yes, and they always have a good time, but she complains that it’s always her doing the inviting, and that it’s one-sided. To me, a relationship doesn’t need two people to maintain and keep it going: it only really needs one, so be that o…

We're talking about different things here. In the linked article, Anna never accepts the invitation, nor does she propose alternatives. It's OK for someone to intiate contact more often than others, as long as the counterparty actually accepts the invitation every so often (or picks up the phone or chats or responds positively). That's not the case with Anna, who repeatedly says "nah" in the face of consistent kindne…

> as long as the counterparty actually accepts the invitation every so often

Per the article, the collegiate counterparty did accept other invitations:

  We ended up hanging out quite a bit during those early months.
The social ritual in the article's title was specifically about party invitations:

  “Why do you keep inviting Anna out when she’ll just say no?”

  “I know she’s always going to say no, but that’s not the point. I invite her out so she’ll always feel included in the group.”

Re: Always Invite Anna

#80

Post by nine_k »

teapot7 wrote: post #72
dexterdog wrote: post #49

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's probably just ego on the one side. That person likes to be invited to feel like they are the more valuable person in the relationship. If I were the other person I would make sure that invitation is never extended.

Or because they're shy and antisocial but it's nice to think that they're part of the gang - as the original article was all about.

It's understandable, but in no way nice. One side is going to bring their authentic shy and antisocial self, and stonewall the invitations, while the other side needs to keep smiling and send invitations no matter what. This sounds slightly lopsided, doesn't it?

If you would like the other side to do you a small favor every time, it's worth considering to do the same. At least respond to the invitation with gratitude and a hope to maybe do it next time.

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