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I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

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Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#71

Post by Loughla »

toomuchtodo wrote: post #69
hinkley wrote: post #10

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Diverging values I think is why it’s not a bad thing that marriage is being postponed closer to 30 now. Promising to be with someone forever when you don’t even know who you or they are yet is wishful thinking at best and lying at worst. If we ever find a way to delay puberty without delaying formation of the prefrontal cortex, I think humanity will be in for a better time. You’ll get a few more years of being able t…

~43% of first marriages fail, ~60% of second marriages, ~73% third marriages. Roughly half of all children will see their parents’ marriage end or them separate (per the CDC). Frankly, I think people should date, love, coparent, etc, but not get married.

(outside of cases of abuse) The venn diagram of people in my life who have gotten divorced and the people in my life who struggle to communicate their wants and needs is almost a circle.

You have to be open, honest, and willing to listen to the other person while laying your own ego aside. This is something that many people really struggle with. It becomes a power game and trying to prove who's right instead of trying to genuinely solve problems with each other.

I don't get it.

Source: married at 21 and decades later, we're very, very, very different people than we were, but still very happy together.

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#72

Post by toomuchtodo »

Loughla wrote: post #71
toomuchtodo wrote: post #69

Earlier quoted context omitted.

~43% of first marriages fail, ~60% of second marriages, ~73% third marriages. Roughly half of all children will see their parents’ marriage end or them separate (per the CDC). Frankly, I think people should date, love, coparent, etc, but not get married.

(outside of cases of abuse) The venn diagram of people in my life who have gotten divorced and the people in my life who struggle to communicate their wants and needs is almost a circle. You have to be open, honest, and willing to listen to the other person while laying your own ego aside. This is something that many people really struggle with. It becomes a power game and trying to prove who's right instead of tryin…

I have been married almost 20 years, and have seen the same. There's a whole lot of emotionally unhealthy people out there, which is understandable, but then they don't or can't get help to get healthy, which leads to relationship failure. Growing together requires collaboration and humility, which appears to be rare in the aggregate. Also, be lucky (which is unfortunately not actionable).

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#74

Post by [deleted] »

rendall wrote: post #31

Elderly people, particularly but not only men, suffer social isolation and loneliness. It is a social problem across the developed world. That's because people tend not to make new friends in middle age. That trend begins in the mid 20s. No matter your age, learn the trick of making, and keeping, new friends. Of all ages, sexes, cultures, types. It is extremely vital to your mental and physical health.

[deleted]

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#76

Post by 202508042147 »

I stopped speaking with my high-school friends in my 40s. I had realized at some moment that I didn't enjoy most of the discussions that we were having. I still met them and talked to them, thinking that that's still "friendship". But I was wrong and I shouldn't have done it! Not for so long! Since I stopped talking to them, I feel very relieved.

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#77

Post by y-curious »

TrackerFF wrote: post #61

Some people become friends for life. At least for me, they were the people I became friends with during my formative years. From my teens and up until young adulthood. Looking back, we became friends due to shared interests (movies, books, music), hobbies, and just general chemistry. Other people, you become friends with due to some shared situation. School, work, place you live, the places you go/frequent, etc. Once…

This is a common sentiment, that your friends during formative years are those that are lasting relationships. I remember hearing a theory that correlated with my learnings: friendships are made stronger by having intense experiences. As a kid, you are constantly learning and doing things for extended periods with friends. You have way more chances to do something new or reckless or whatever. Similarly, many veterans are friends for life with their brothers in arms because, well, they were doing crazy intense stuff together for years.

As an adult, friendships are hard to grow for the same reason. Grabbing dinner with someone is not going to leave the same impression as, say, getting shot at. The adult friendships I have that are close I attribute to: 1. Friend's dad died shortly after we met, and we bonded throughout that time. 2. I went on an impromptu Vegas trip with friend 3. We went through grad school stress together 4. We spent a lot of time together at chess club. Nothing was intense, but frequently seeing this person solidified our relationship. Oh, he was teetering on divorce at one point, it could be that too.

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#78

Post by anon291 »

TrackerFF wrote: post #61

Some people become friends for life. At least for me, they were the people I became friends with during my formative years. From my teens and up until young adulthood. Looking back, we became friends due to shared interests (movies, books, music), hobbies, and just general chemistry. Other people, you become friends with due to some shared situation. School, work, place you live, the places you go/frequent, etc. Once…

Why does self-realization mean not having friends?

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#79

Post by mcphage »

hinkley wrote: post #10
avereveard wrote: post #5

Life Transitions 4 Lack of mutual effort 4 Diverging values 3 Miscommunication 2.5 Geographic distance 2.5 Emotional disengagement 2 (Since article is lacking a conclusion - or the conclusion is a weird direction, "should I talk to my ex" - I guess I'm not the target demo)

Diverging values I think is why it’s not a bad thing that marriage is being postponed closer to 30 now. Promising to be with someone forever when you don’t even know who you or they are yet is wishful thinking at best and lying at worst. If we ever find a way to delay puberty without delaying formation of the prefrontal cortex, I think humanity will be in for a better time. You’ll get a few more years of being able t…

> You’ll get a few more years of being able to have kids after you know who you are.

I think the problem with that is: having kids both induces a lot more learning about who you are—as well as changes who you are.

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#80

Post by cma »

devilbunny wrote: post #42
neilv wrote: post #12

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Some people do talk like that. For example, the well-read humanities major analogue of "10x techbro" can effortlessly whip out a more sophisticated analysis or assessment, with better prose. And some of those will say things like that with one or more levels on top. Such as if they know the person they're talking with will get the reference or archetype, or the allusion they're making, and they're really saying somet…

This piece is in Vogue . Could have been in Elle . Ever wonder about why articles in Sports Illustrated go off on politics? Same reason. These writers, by and large, went to Ivy League schools. Their classmates were hired at the New York Times (serious) or Saturday Night Live (funny). They want to point out hey, I have a great vocabulary and know art and such, too. Even if I just nominally write about clothes or base…

Clothes and baseball is a better occupation than making up rape stories to fuel a genocide at the NYT.
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