Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

larahogan.me

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

71–80 of 144 posts

Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#71

Post by watwut »

xnorswap wrote: post #55
wruza wrote: post #41

What I learned is that that last email didn’t do a good job explaining the changes, so what I plan to do is start a forum for folks to post their questions and our CEO will answer them every Tuesday. I know it’s only an example, but hahahahahahahaha, ha. Start with something realistic if you do that. The worst thing you can do is to teach them you’re a bag of funny promises.

At a former company we once had an away day workshop where they allowed anonymous questions for the company director which would show up on a screen for everyone (it was a ~40-50 person company). We were a management consultancy and trialling what they thought was cool new tech to use with other companies. ( This was a while ago, smart phones were newer and apps were still "cool" ) Well, they very quickly learned to…

>Where's the pay rise we were promised last year

Sounds like an extremely valid complain if such promiss was made last year.

Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#72

Post by watwut »

kettleballroll wrote: post #39
osigurdson wrote: post #34

I just hate this kind of stuff. Good for you if you can create a consulting business out of stating the obvious I suppose. It is a drain on the economy however.

> Good for you if you can create a consulting business out of stating the obvious I suppose. In my experience, tech problems are a lot easier to solve than people problems, and a lot of things that don't go well in a project turn out to be people problems. E.g. here are a few issues I encountered in my current project at work in the last month: "their framework makes assumptions that don't apply to our code, so we re…

In my experience, these dont help to solve people problems. They are motivational feel good advice. In practice, they will exhaust you and dont work in the long term.

And what they actually make is to create situation in which your needs and things you want to achieve are less and less met. Or just make you look unauthentic to others - they will cease to believe your projected emotions.

Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#73

Post by lynx23 »

andruby wrote: post #45
dailykoder wrote: post #40

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I know this and I have learned more than enough about it to internalize it, but it just doesn't work. I can't find a way to stop the automatic jumping to conclusion and self blame. It takes hours to get over it and that's exhausting. I am trying for years to find a way out, but it just hasn't internalized yet

Any tips for the person on the other side? I often mention something without implying blame (or even assuming blame), but it’s still processed that way. I’m trying to be conscious of this though.

I have given up on people that can not process criticism. Its a vital aspect of working together, or even just living together. If everything I say is put on a scale, I simply dont interact with such people anymore. If you can't take criticism without the blame-game, you're not worth my time and effort.

Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#74

Post by lynx23 »

rocqua wrote: post #31
brigandish wrote: post #25

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What is emotional labour?

The effort someone chooses to put in to manage and help the emotions of others. It ranges from listening to someone talk about their day to driving over at night to a friend who's upset, to organizing an entire intervention. It is often considered to fall more heavily on women. Notably, as work that often doesn't fully get redistributed when women enter the workforce, much like housekeeping often doesn't.

> It is often considered to fall more heavily on women.

Citation needed.

Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#75

Post by Loughla »

watwut wrote: post #69
sethammons wrote: post #23

> You’re being a thermometer. When they’re subtly giving off weird vibes—they’re frowning, answering your questions with fewer words than normal, etc.—you’ve noticed that their temperature is different. And if you are doing this as a coping mechanism from having an unstable parent and you are like me (also maybe a bit of adhd): you internalize the person's chilled behavior and often assume it is your fault. In case y…

> You are not responsible for other's emotions (though you are responsible for your actions) I know you do not mean it this way, but I really dislike this saying. It is not even true, actually. The most frequent use of this is people who are being, well, jerks, trying to argue that when people feel bad after being put down, insulted or treated with passive aggression, it is their own fault. If people feel bad after y…

So much of today's self-help (and a lot of therapy styles) seems to be focused on selfish, self-centered behavior.

Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#76

Post by awelxtr »

watwut wrote: post #72
kettleballroll wrote: post #39

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Good for you if you can create a consulting business out of stating the obvious I suppose. In my experience, tech problems are a lot easier to solve than people problems, and a lot of things that don't go well in a project turn out to be people problems. E.g. here are a few issues I encountered in my current project at work in the last month: "their framework makes assumptions that don't apply to our code, so we re…

In my experience, these dont help to solve people problems. They are motivational feel good advice. In practice, they will exhaust you and dont work in the long term. And what they actually make is to create situation in which your needs and things you want to achieve are less and less met. Or just make you look unauthentic to others - they will cease to believe your projected emotions.

Most self-help is easy to write and difficult to apply, specially if it's written in a generic matter like in a book or in a blog post.

This doesn't mean it can't be helpful. I know because some self help knowledge in the past has helped me.

Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#77

Post by FollowingTheDao »

deisteve wrote: post #6

While the article has some good points about the importance of emotional intelligence and awareness, I'm skeptical about the idea that we can simply "choose" to be thermostats. Humans are complex and emotional creatures, and our emotions can be triggered by a multitude of factors beyond our control. The article's suggestions, while well-intentioned, feel like a form of emotional labor that can be exhausting and unsus…

"I'm skeptical about the idea that we can simply "choose" to be thermostats."

I agree. Try being thermostat to someone who is on meth or someone who is drunk.There are many reasons someone is raising he temperature in a room.

Not to mention the fact that there might be a good reason some one is angry, like low wages, discrimination, or wage theft. And you coming in being a thermostat is just prolonging everyone's nightmare.

I will tell you, when I saw people doing that BS to me I knew right away they were trying to manipulate me. We all have the right to be angry and you do not have the right to use neurological tricks to manipulate people because you are uncomfortable with "weird vibes".

Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#78

Post by awelxtr »

osigurdson wrote: post #34

I just hate this kind of stuff. Good for you if you can create a consulting business out of stating the obvious I suppose. It is a drain on the economy however.

> stating the obvious

If interpersonal relationships were obvious we would not need abuse laws nor CPS.

Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#79

Post by FollowingTheDao »

sethammons wrote: post #22

If this resonated with you, consider reading Nonviolent Communication by Rosenberg, the ultimate guide in thermostat-speak. You focus on stating unmet needs. Good stuff.

When I hear people trying to use "Nonviolent Communication" it only makes me more angry. It is manipulation and so transparent and condescending.

Sometimes communication needs to be violent.

Post reply on HN