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Write a note to your spouse every day

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Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#71

Post by xlii »

Eh, everyone does what they want for themselves and a lot of weird dynamics work out for people.

However here, not knowing any party, from absolutely fly-over perspective feels like (marital) tragedy waiting to happen.

Young (30), working asses off either at work or with 4 young kids, only one person providing, lack of intimacy and something that could be called weekly report instead of partner communicating.

Even this piece feels forced. Maybe it’s me but exposing personal relationship strategy feels like boasting about win, and when relationships becomes a field for wins it doesn’t bode well.

I still don’t know them and know nada, that might work perfectly well, but that’s definitely not something I’d go with for general life advice.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#72

Post by morelisp »

zarzavat wrote: post #52
sneak wrote: post #36

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The love languages concept is pseudoscience, just like the MBTI.

I wouldn't say it's pseudoscience, it's not science at all. It's just a list of five different things which different people may value more or less. Understanding your partner's values may not be scientific, but it is a good idea.

If you say stuff like "people communicate and reciprocate love differently", then it's neither science nor pseudoscience.

If you say stuff like "these are the five specific love languages and everyone has two", that's either science or pseudoscience, and I'll give you two guesses how rigorously tested the hypothesis is.

Can't write a best-seller framed like the first one, though! People eat scientism up.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#73

Post by em-bee »

haliskerbas wrote: post #33
ram_rar wrote: post #7

I am going to get a lot of flak for this. But the more I read things like these, the more I feel marriage is not for everyone and society has a whole should stop gushing down this concept to next generation. Personally I feel, If you have to write a note to your spouse everyday to "save your marriage", then you probably didnt have one to begin with.

Completely agree. I’m convinced that the get married have kids, raise them well, they become good workers, if you time it right we are all corporate drones as a happy family - dream is pretty horrible. I want to work to not have to work anymore. I can’t think about a partner because I’m too dead from work to give someone else the commitment they might deserve. Don’t want kids that sounds like work. Nothing is wrong w…

having a partner may help you relax, and it may change your attitude to work. i felt pretty dead too from work, then coming home to be alone. when i got married i felt better about working because family life would balance it out and i had something to look forward to while at the office.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#74

Post by TheCowboy »

mamoriamohit wrote: post #13

I have had an opposite experience. Daily notes makes no difference. I was in a relationship for 2 years and have written a poem every day for 400 days straight to her. But it failed nevertheless. In fact, I was told by her that these notes put her in guilt. Weird. Gestures like these amplify whatever the relationship there is to start with. If there's a lot of love, they amplify it. If there's a lot of lack of commit…

Writing a poem is a bit different than the writing OP doing which is communicating in general about everything and everyone.

I don't want to dunk on the act of writing poems which is perfectly fine, but that's the creation of art. If you look at how he structures his communication, there are active day-to-day issues/problems being addressed that if left unresolved prevent the appreciation of something like a poem.

And as everyone else said, sometimes relationships don't work out and you did your best.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#75

Post by swatcoder »

ram_rar wrote: post #7

I am going to get a lot of flak for this. But the more I read things like these, the more I feel marriage is not for everyone and society has a whole should stop gushing down this concept to next generation. Personally I feel, If you have to write a note to your spouse everyday to "save your marriage", then you probably didnt have one to begin with.

Some relationships work by being easy. Some work by being well suited to partner on a big and delicate project, like raising a family.

The person you’d most love to raise a family with (or run a fishing boat with, or whatever), isn’t necessarily the “easy” partner whose super cozy and gets you all the time and never needs you to make a special effort beyond what comes naturally.

But at some point, if it’s what you want to do, you pick a partner for what’s important to you and make good on that choice. Depending on who you are and who you picked, that latter bit of “making good” might benefit from a few contrived gestures and rituals that wouldn’t have been necessary in some other “easy” relationship. But that doesn’t mean it’s the wrong relationship or an unhealthy relationship, it’s just your relationship; and if those things make it better, why wouldn’t you do them?

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#76

Post by smt88 »

mamoriamohit wrote: post #13

I have had an opposite experience. Daily notes makes no difference. I was in a relationship for 2 years and have written a poem every day for 400 days straight to her. But it failed nevertheless. In fact, I was told by her that these notes put her in guilt. Weird. Gestures like these amplify whatever the relationship there is to start with. If there's a lot of love, they amplify it. If there's a lot of lack of commit…

> have written a poem every day for 400 days straight to her

I'm sure this was a painful lesson to learn, but I hope you took the right thing away from it.

No healthy relationship is going to include 400 daily poems. It makes it seem like the subject of the poems is being put on a pedestal and idealized, not perceived as a real person with flaws.

It comes across as obsessive and, perhaps, insincere -- how can someone have 400 poems' worth of feelings for someone they've known for less than 2 years? And if they don't have those sincere feelings, what are they trying to accomplish?

Read a little bit about "love bombing" (not because I think you love-bombed anyone, but because it might help you understand how the recipient of this behavior might feel about it).

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#77

Post by em-bee »

lbrito wrote: post #62
zwirbl wrote: post #48

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> That is literally the traditional view of the Catholic Church on marriage Can you elaborate on that? Living as an unmarried couple is not very catholic AFAICT, and when not in a relationship, how should you marry?

Yes, needless to say an unmarried couple is not what I was referring to. I'm saying that for a long time people have known that not everyone is cut out for marriage, and that it has never really been seen as "the only path". I don't understand your other remarks.

but then what has changed?

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#79

Post by zwirbl »

lbrito wrote: post #62
zwirbl wrote: post #48

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> That is literally the traditional view of the Catholic Church on marriage Can you elaborate on that? Living as an unmarried couple is not very catholic AFAICT, and when not in a relationship, how should you marry?

Yes, needless to say an unmarried couple is not what I was referring to. I'm saying that for a long time people have known that not everyone is cut out for marriage, and that it has never really been seen as "the only path". I don't understand your other remarks.

So it's "the only path" if in a relationship, with the alternatives being living in sin or not having a relationship. That is really very traditional Catholicism

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#80

Post by em-bee »

insightcheck wrote: post #60

For anyone skimming the comments first, I found the author's outline to be the most interesting segment (though I recommend reading the essay in full): "Here’s a general outline of what I write: "Gratitude (for her, her hard work, her amazing looks, etc.) "What I’m working on today. "What I’m working towards (goals, deadlines, etc.) "Anything I’m excited about. "Anything that’s bothering me (stress, anxiety, pessimis…

some of that is what i write for myself in my journal. some times i share parts of my journal, or i share something with my partner that then gets added into the journal...
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