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Thank HN: Five months ago, I was feeling like a loser, now I am opposite

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Re: Thank HN: Five months ago, I was feeling like a loser, now I am opposite

#71

Post by dcow »

s1artibartfast wrote: post #55
em-bee wrote: post #50

Earlier quoted context omitted.

partners should support each other, especially through trying times. but your happiness should not only depend on your partner. if it does then any problem in the relationship can quickly spiral into something unfixable. on the other hand, being individually happy is not enough. if your partnership does not add anything to your happiness then you are more like roommates. you are fortunate until now, but i would not r…

Am I the only one that thinks it's rude to give unsolicited marital advice based on absolutely no facts

Considering how grateful OP is for the advice shared by the community here previously, my impression is they're open to the continued advice. It's hardly unsolicited. I don't consider it rude when people are trying to be genuinely helpful. If you consider that rude you might be overly sensitive yourself and missing the bigger context.

It's not happening here, but: I really really don't understand people who get offended by "unsolicited" advice. Chances are it's coming from a place of honest care and concern. Just ignore it if it doesn't pertain to you. When you get a strong reaction from someone in response to unsolicited advice, I find more often than not it's actually striking a chord and probably more needed than the person realizes. I'd want that feedback whether I solicited it or not, personally.

Re: Thank HN: Five months ago, I was feeling like a loser, now I am opposite

#72

Post by w-j-w »

fny wrote: post #62

Congrats! But be very careful about the start up you're working for. Make sure they have enough cash to survive the next 4-5 years and have a steady revenue stream.

> 4-5 years of runway

> startup

If this is your criterion for working at a startup, then you are too conservative to work at one. Every job carries risk, and looking to eradicate it is pointless.

Re: Thank HN: Five months ago, I was feeling like a loser, now I am opposite

#73

Post by BLKNSLVR »

s1artibartfast wrote: post #55
em-bee wrote: post #50

Earlier quoted context omitted.

partners should support each other, especially through trying times. but your happiness should not only depend on your partner. if it does then any problem in the relationship can quickly spiral into something unfixable. on the other hand, being individually happy is not enough. if your partnership does not add anything to your happiness then you are more like roommates. you are fortunate until now, but i would not r…

Am I the only one that thinks it's rude to give unsolicited marital advice based on absolutely no facts

Consciously off-topic: Posting on an open forum invites it.

The comment to which you're replying makes some good points and isn't finger-pointy, and is more suggestive of potential gaps to fill. Any long-term relationship requires hard work, and so advice is often a helpful reminder of this, whether the advice is good or not it can trigger a re-evaluation of perspective; a view from the outside of what may have become taken for granted from the inside.

Re: Thank HN: Five months ago, I was feeling like a loser, now I am opposite

#74

Post by saalweachter »

Nextgrid wrote: post #17
thecleaner wrote: post #7

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Stable job. Good pay. And let's face it seems most startups these days is some crypto bullshit.

FAANG is "growth & engagement", not much better though. At least crypto is easy to ignore, while "engagement" relies on it getting in your way and being hard/impossible to ignore.

Eh, a lot of the work at a FAANG, or a GAMMA, or whatever acronym you want to use for "big stable tech companies", is on products that people use and like and the changes you make matter to people. You may be a cog in a machine, but it's an important machine.

Re: Thank HN: Five months ago, I was feeling like a loser, now I am opposite

#75

Post by s1artibartfast »

em-bee wrote: post #60
s1artibartfast wrote: post #52

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm not interested in making up stories about OP. We don't know how supportive their partner was, how much they shared, and how collaborate they were in the process. We also don't know what alternate realities might have been. I think it is kinda rude to make these assumptions. I'm just saying there are plenty of problems love, support, and teamwork can't fix. Doubly so when you don't know what is wrong in the first…

there are plenty of problems love, support, and teamwork can't fix. hard disagree. there isn't a single problem that can't be fixed in a good relationship. OP would not have needed to come here and ask for help if he had been able to talk with his wife about his problems.

>OP would not have needed to come here and ask for help if he had been able to talk with his wife about his problems.

wow - Because his wife is an expert in software career development, burnout, and real-estate? For all we know his wife suggested he get feedback here!

>hard disagree. there isn't a single problem that can't be fixed in a good relationship.

I am fine to agree to disagree. PSA, if you have cancer, see an oncologist. No amount of love from your partner will fix it.

Re: Thank HN: Five months ago, I was feeling like a loser, now I am opposite

#76

Post by em-bee »

corrral wrote: post #64
em-bee wrote: post #60

Earlier quoted context omitted.

there are plenty of problems love, support, and teamwork can't fix. hard disagree. there isn't a single problem that can't be fixed in a good relationship. OP would not have needed to come here and ask for help if he had been able to talk with his wife about his problems.

I wouldn't call the attitude that one ought to be able to get all the support one needs from one's partner, no matter what, healthy . That can lead to an entire category of relationship failure, I'd say.

that's a fair point and that's not what i meant.

partners should be supportive of each other and they should work together to solve problems. but a solution can include bringing in outside help.

the point is that any approach to solve a problem starts with looking at that problem with your partner and together deciding the next steps

Re: Thank HN: Five months ago, I was feeling like a loser, now I am opposite

#77

Post by corrral »

burrows wrote: post #57
_carbyau_ wrote: post #31

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Lines you won't see on a gravestone: "I wish I had worked more." "I wish I had a less meaningful relationship with my wife."

Because I’ve seen “I wish I had worked less.” on a gravestone?

Yeah, there's typically little or nothing. No meaningful sentiments from the deceased. That's part of what the popular funeral poem "The Dash" plays on—everything that mattered in a life, by the time it's nothing but marks on a stone, is expressed in the distinctly inexpressive dash between the birth and death dates. It's rare to actually put anything about the life on there. "Loving father" or something is usually the most you get, if that. Sometimes poets or writers will compose a stanza for theirs, but those are exceptional.

Re: Thank HN: Five months ago, I was feeling like a loser, now I am opposite

#78

Post by corrral »

em-bee wrote: post #76
corrral wrote: post #64

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I wouldn't call the attitude that one ought to be able to get all the support one needs from one's partner, no matter what, healthy . That can lead to an entire category of relationship failure, I'd say.

that's a fair point and that's not what i meant. partners should be supportive of each other and they should work together to solve problems. but a solution can include bringing in outside help. the point is that any approach to solve a problem starts with looking at that problem with your partner and together deciding the next steps

> that's a fair point and that's not what i meant.

Apologies for the misunderstanding, then. Agree that keeping one's partner "in the loop", especially early on [edit: early on in seeking help for something, that is, not early on in the relationship], is generally advisable.

Re: Thank HN: Five months ago, I was feeling like a loser, now I am opposite

#79

Post by BLKNSLVR »

em-bee wrote: post #50
lumost wrote: post #28

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Shameless plus one, I’ve been with my wife for 10 years - when we’re both happy as individuals were happy as a couple. Sometimes people just need to do the hard work of finding happiness on their own. Someone else can’t make you feel happy with your career.

partners should support each other, especially through trying times. but your happiness should not only depend on your partner. if it does then any problem in the relationship can quickly spiral into something unfixable. on the other hand, being individually happy is not enough. if your partnership does not add anything to your happiness then you are more like roommates. you are fortunate until now, but i would not r…

> more like roommates.

I've semi-jokingly referred to my relationship as 'like roommates'. We've discussed at length that 'this time in our lives' is the busiest we've ever been with early teen kids playing various sports, playing musical instruments, having braces, dealing with hormones and their personalities developing into 'who they're going to be as adults', fuck it's a lot.

I just had a couple of days off sick, and it was like a fucking holiday.

Unsolicited advice: If your long term relationship hasn't yet reached 'pre- and early-teen kids', then make sure you're ready for it. Get your house in order, because it's going to feel like your life and dreams are on pause for five to ten years whilst you develop the best little adults you possibly can. And you will need each other to lean on for the duration.

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