Step outside your comfort zone. Also start attending these events by alternative crowd, do a yoga teacher training or do retreats in improv or yoga or whatever (this may be too expensive, in that case I recommend psychadelics or hitchhiking as a cheap way to break these walls). The key thing to remember is that when people look at you like you are taking up space and make you feel that you don't belong then you feel bad so DON'T DO THAT. Always strive to be someone who makes others feel like they are welcome and that they belong. That is how you would want to be treated after all.
Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
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Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#72Reading books out loud to my kids, hamming it up, acting out the parts.
if I go a couple of days on a deep project and my wife does story time instead then I start to stutter and my words become scattered.
If you don’t have kids, maybe just read adult fiction to yourself out loud.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#73Noticing is the first step! A therapist can really help you as it sounds like a part of you is experiencing anxiety. Essentially you have developed a learned behavior and you have to unlearn it by replacing your habit with a new one. Part of that is say exposure therapy (meaning, just go out and meet people). It also helps to develop a framework and set of scripts for what to do which is where a therapist can come in…
That "and" of the "Just go out and meet people" is the part that my brain struggles with. I can walk out of the door just fine, but my brain stops functioning when I try to think of things to do from there. I can likewise handle meeting new people if I somehow end up in a situation where that happens. It's just doing that intentionally that I have so far been unable to accomplish.
I would pick things that align with your interests. Go to a museum, go to a play that has an intermission, go skiing, pick up a club sport, meetups, cooking classes, book signing, improv class, music class, fishing class, board game nights...
Lots of things to try.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#74I still feel socially awkward sometimes, but other are surprised when I tell them this because I generally come off as pretty well adjusted socially.
I was very awkward in shy in school. In ninth grade I decided to go out of my way to stop being so shy. I started forcing myself to speak out in class, or talk to the "popular" kids whom I was always shy around. Over time it worked, I got more and more comfortable. There were some very cringe-worthy moments, but with time I just grew more comfortable not caring about people's responses enough to speak up in social situations.
When meeting new people I still often get a bit shy and uncertain, but usually can kind of fake it for long enough until I get their "vibe" and how to respond to them in a way that maintains banter.
If doing this as an adult, a version of what worked on me as a student might be putting yourself in social situations that you're not comfortable with a little bit at a time. Join a few different kinds of Meetups, take a group class. Hitting the gym as you say is good, I think it really helps with overall confidence. But being at the gym by yourself is often a solitary activity where you don't need to interact with others much. You can still feel self-conscious if you are new to the gym and don't feel like you know what you're doing, but just watching some YouTube videos to brush up on exercise ideas and lifting techniques can help that pass quickly.
Good luck!
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#75Not saying this is the best approach and it won't be a popular opinion, but drugs--particularly alcohol--were key to me breaking out of my shell.
I'd agree that this helped me a lot, but I'm still paying for it.
Alcohol in particular is a really nasty drug. Psychedelics are something I love to do every now and then, but they're really not for everyone and should be approached with caution.
A small dose of MDMA though. A little goes a long way, not a bad shout if you're open to it.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#76I wouldn't ask HN, most people here are into quantified self and other strange things, normal people don't do that.
"Normal people" often don't know they are using strategies, maybe, but it's a mistake to assume that they don't.
There are all sorts of strategies, big and small, being consciously or subconsciously deployed by "normal" people.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#77This is one of the rare situations where "fake it until you make it" applies.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#78I stopped paying attention to the delusions I had about what people thought of my person, my face, my clothes etc.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#79I'm still very introverted (even if that word is cliché). I get anxiety in social situations.
I have some experience with acting, so in certain scenarios, I'm able to act as a more confident character and get through the initial awkward phases.
I still can't just make myself go to involved social events because they overwhelm me. I pick my battles
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#80Throwing myself out there, getting rejected and snubbed otherwise slapped around a lot .. until I slowly started to figure out how to observe "normal, healthy" people and learn from them. Among the things we learn is -- that we are much more "plastic" (and able to change by sheer force of will) than we initially thought. Things like hygiene, posture, clarity of speech (such that people can at least understand us) and…
Ironically, I have done exactly the two tips you mentioned, and I can confidently say that my life has changed drastically. In fact, so much so, that when I catch up with people who knew me even two years ago, they usually make a comment.
One thing I was initially afraid of when deciding to move was “running away from my problems” only to realize I’m in the exact same situation as before. Well, that was actually very true. I still felt like the same “awkward” person despite moving across the country. But here’s the difference; I was actually motivated to fix it.
Being in a new city opened my eyes to how much I wanted to explore, but also how much I was holding myself back. Ever since moving, I’ve lost my fear of being myself, have a partner, and found a higher paying job.
My main point here is that while you can’t run away from your true inner self, a new environment can certainly change your perspective and direction. I also want to note that I’m making it sound like it was as easy as moving, so to be transparent, it wasn’t easy. It took a lot of self discipline and discomfort, but it was worth every second of doubt.