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Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

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Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#71

Post by Avalaxy »

trendingwaifu wrote: post #32
atiragram wrote: post #8

"But not anymore now. I feel like my time for everything is running out." -> what is this everything you want to have time for? Do you wish to be in a relationship? since you mentioned it at the beginning. When I don't feel excited about the world, similar to what you describe, you meditate or spend time in nature. Reading about geology or trees has opened my eyes about how little we grasp about the nature of the uni…

> what is this everything you want to have time for? Do you wish to be in a relationship? since you mentioned it at the beginning. I don't know to be honest. Perhaps what's nagging at me is the lack of optionality. There are certain things I am now too old to do, like go to a school as typical student, go crazy at festival or clubs, go backpacking and easily meet new people, and have casual relationships. It's not th…

I dont get why you feel kike you dont have those options? I see plenty of people in their 40s and 50s going to festivals or going backpacking. The only one stopping you, is you.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#72

Post by Digit-Al »

Firstly, stop this rubbish about getting old; with current life expectancies I wouldn't even consider someone middle aged until they are their forties. Old is probably late sixties to seventies. You still have a long way to go :-)

Secondly, stop trying to define your life by "achieving". I know this is a difficult one, I'm still (sort of) struggling with this one. Achievements are ephemeral. Only an incredibly tiny minority of people achieve anything really significant, and even then those significant achievements often only touch a small minority of the world. It helps to bear in mind that about 99.9999% of the worlds population have no awareness of your existence.

The problem with trying to achieve something awesome is that either you never manage it; in which case you are left permanently unfulfilled and with a sense of failure; or you do achieve it, in which case: what then? You are suddenly left having to find another goal.

I think it is better to just find small ways to enjoy your life and work as much as you need to support those interests.

I am 51 and I still go to see bands at pubs regularly. I know people in their 30s right through to their 70s who are still going out watching rock bands. Hell, I know a couple guys who play in bands and their mum, who has just turned 90, still goes out to see them play and likes a dance. I also go to little festivals with friends who are all in their 50's and 60's.

If you are feeling too old when you go to bars and stuff you are probably going to venues that have a younger crowd. Look around and you can find plenty of places that are patronised by people that are a similar age to you. Many of those, both male and female will be single and probably feeling some of the same things you do.

Finally, don't feel alone in this. There are vast numbers of people who feel similar to you. I am single and have been for a very long time, but just recently - completely by chance - have sort of stumbled into something promising. I also handed in my notice at work recently and finish at the end of the month. I am taking a year off to just enjoy myself and am very excited about it.

Good luck, and don't beat yourself up about stuff. Just remember, we're all a bit lost and stumbling through life the best we can :-)

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#73

Post by noduerme »

The main thing you're describing is not having a future.

You're a bit young for a midlife crisis, but covid has forced it on all of us (I entered mine at 39 and covid just crushed it). And the world has changed a lot; a lot of the future we imagined has really been taken away - that is, it isn't available anymore, not because of something we did wrong, but because the doors have slammed shut. Just for one thing, having $500k in the bank ain't what it used to be. But I get the sense that you aren't really defined by money.

Maybe the "haven't had a serious relationship for many years now" part is what you should work on. Just putting your time and energy into a relationship is good for you. Without a relationship you have no future.

I have no kids. That makes me feel like I may have no future.

Being aware that the thing you're fighting, the dread you're experiencing, is really about your fear of not having a future -- that can at least provide an anchor, to focus you on imagining what you want a future to look like and taking the steps to get to whatever that place is. I think the biggest problem is that we're all constantly obsessed with the present and somewhere along the line we stop trying to evolve into what we want to be, and get mired down in the quotidian. This may be a normal feature of growing older, but it's definitely amplified by the overwhelming flood of bullshit we see every day now, which seems designed from the ground up to prevent us from thinking about our future.

Spend a little time and ask yourself if not having [edit: not being able to visualize] a future is your actual problem, and take it from there.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#74

Post by nix23 »

mikewarot wrote: post #41

I'm 58. Everything IS an different iteration of the same thing. Generally, if intelligent adults are involved, there are likely to be some useful new things in the new iteration, small improvements. On rare occasion, there are massive changes that only become apparent later. (Like when transistors first appeared, they wore out, like tubes, but slower... germanium was replaced by silicon, and lifetimes tended towards…

>I suggest machining

That's a great hobby, but instead of screws i made some small steam-engines, it's not too hard and it's absolutely fascinating if they start working ;)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sp8FMqgc5Io

Not my content...

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#75

Post by stevenfoster »

Thirties. Married. First kid on the way this year. Consider your opening sentence. Who are you comparing yourself with? Most people don’t achieve much. You also aren’t owed anything. Time isn’t running out. You hold unhealthy expectation that you are owed a certain amount of life. Release that expectation. Read books about real people dealing with real problems. Write real people letters of gratitude and encouragement. Record for yourself your own ledger of gratitude. Learn how to cook and make a few good dishes. Invite people over to talk and enjoy time together. Finally consider the golden rule as diagnostic code. Whatever you love with all your heart will be your god. So don’t love your money, travel, or even time itself. They’re all pitiful gods. You will love other people the way you love yourself. Take an intentional and committed force of action to loving yourself. Be kind to yourself. The most serious relationship you have is the one with yourself. My sincere best to you on your journey. May you be blessed.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#76

Post by weisk »

sjtgraham wrote: post #65

> I increasingly wish I could go back to my 20s. Now I feel too old to go to festivals, bars and clubs and make new friends that way. This is all in your head. When was the last time you were somewhere, saw someone and thought "ugh, oh my god look at that old loser"? Probably never if you're a good person. Most people are good. So go out and enjoy your life!

[disclaimer: i agree 100% with your thinking], but... > When was the last time you thought, oh my god look at that old loser

last night

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#77

Post by strictfp »

mikewarot wrote: post #41

I'm 58. Everything IS an different iteration of the same thing. Generally, if intelligent adults are involved, there are likely to be some useful new things in the new iteration, small improvements. On rare occasion, there are massive changes that only become apparent later. (Like when transistors first appeared, they wore out, like tubes, but slower... germanium was replaced by silicon, and lifetimes tended towards…

No post body was provided.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#78

Post by racktash »

I went through feeling like this when I was about 27. I felt like I had settled into a comfortable, but monotonous, way of life. Programming, my favourite thing to do then, had become challenging only because of problems created by things like application complexity, framework churn, software development fads etc.

What helped me was taking up new interests and hobbies, ones completely removed from software development, ones with a long history that would take a long time to 'master'. For me this was things like reading, writing and studying ancient philosophy.

I also found developing a kind of 'spirituality' – a word I would have considered dirty in my early twenties – essential to living contentedly in a reality that seems chaotic and meaningless, and accepting things like ageing and dying. For me, the writings and recordings of Alan Watts helped enormously here, but I find different people fill this hole with different things and people.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#79

Post by alangibson »

This is almost exactly my life, shifted by a decade.

The problem is that by 35 you can't get by on novelty anymore because you've seen some version of everything there is to see.

The worst thing you can do is pine for the good old days. They aren't coming back. And they weren't that good anyway. Your best times are ahead if you can successfully adjust.

What worked for me was putting down roots. I resisted it mightily at first because I wanted to stay mentally 25 forever. Now I see that getting married and having a couple of kids was the right thing to do. It forced me to become more flexible, more deliberate, more focused and have more stamina to do hard things

I'm a loner by nature, so I can't imagine where I'd be if I hadn't settled down. I just know it wouldn't be as good.

Once you've got those roots down, life will lead you to what you should do next. Maybe being a full time parent, maybe learning to sail, maybe more successful entrepreneurship. Who knows...

EDIT: I don't mean to imply that everyone needs a family. What's important is to start living for others to some degree. Hedonism has famously bad diminishing returns.

Some people choose to do lots of volunteering or switch careers to social work. There's lots of options.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#80

Post by ivan_gammel »

trendingwaifu wrote: post #52
ratsimihah wrote: post #48

You could try yoga. Take some classes, do it everyday. It makes the body fit and the mind healthy. It also teaches acceptance and non -attachment (to achievements, etc), living in the moment and just breathing. When you feel good about life and yourself, you can attract people and turn your life positively more easily. It's all a bit abstract and different from the rationality we're used to in tech, but maybe worth a…

Thanks for the suggestion. I actually do a kind of yoga (though more focused on long poses and stretching) and it indeed does help. So does working out. I do feel calm and content while doing it, but that feeling does not last very long beyond the practice. Once I get back in front of the screen, it's back to the usual self.

One more suggestion: try cooking classes, HelloFresh or just YouTube lessons. Preparing and serving a good meal three times a day helps a lot to distract from what’s behind the screen and also offers enjoyable experience, that you can eventually share with someone.
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