Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

When my wife developed Alzheimer’s, the story of our marriage kept us connected

thewalrus.ca

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

71–80 of 104 posts

Re: When my wife developed Alzheimer’s, the story of our marriage kept us connected

#71

Post by mediaman »

rxhernandez wrote: post #36
pomian wrote: post #30

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I do not believe it is rare. I think that it is the same with bad news and tragedy, the news reports only those. Behind all the sad stories, the frustrated stories, and everything else that is loud, there is a quiet passion that supports the world. It quietly goes on, without disturbing the neighbors, or making headlines. It's not easy, it's not painful, but it perseveres. All around you. In the background.

I think the divorce rate starkly points in a different direction.

The divorce rate is distorted because of those who have many divorces. It's split, also, across class lines.

Marriages between college-educated people are only about 30% likely to end in divorce.

Re: When my wife developed Alzheimer’s, the story of our marriage kept us connected

#72

Post by diskzero »

fjfaase wrote: post #69
diskzero wrote: post #50

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My wife was diagnosed with lymphoma and brain cancer last December and passed this October. I watched her weaken, spring back when a therapy worked, descend into near death when a therapy failed and eventually see her mind and body destroyed by cancer. I hated the illness, the workload, the stress and then unending anxiety of knowing there was little chance of a recovery. I never thought of leaving or not caring for…

My first wife died as a result of Early-Onset Alzheimer's Disease. From diagnoses till death was 12 years. A much slower process than yours, I realize, which gave me much more time to adapt to it and deal with it. Before she stopped talking at all, she also had a period that she spook gibberish. I learned to just pretend to understand her, assuming that she meant something positive with her attempt to say something.…

Thanks for the insight. I am sorry you had to endure such a long goodbye period. It was agony for me not to be able to talk with her at the end, but I do appreciate she tried to say something, and I am grateful for that.

Re: When my wife developed Alzheimer’s, the story of our marriage kept us connected

#73

Post by diskzero »

susiecambria wrote: post #67
diskzero wrote: post #50

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My wife was diagnosed with lymphoma and brain cancer last December and passed this October. I watched her weaken, spring back when a therapy worked, descend into near death when a therapy failed and eventually see her mind and body destroyed by cancer. I hated the illness, the workload, the stress and then unending anxiety of knowing there was little chance of a recovery. I never thought of leaving or not caring for…

So very sorry to hear about your loss. I choose to believe that your wife wanted to tell you how much she loved you and what a wonderful life she had with you. Hugs from me and the dogs

Thanks Susie. You must be right! That is what I am going to believe as well.

Re: When my wife developed Alzheimer’s, the story of our marriage kept us connected

#74

Post by bmj »

S_A_P wrote: post #17
srvmshr wrote: post #5

> It’s hard to accept the possibility that Judy may have completely forgotten about me, but a lifetime of living with disability has shown me how delicate human bodies and minds can be, how little it can take to dramatically, traumatically alter—or end—lives. Two rogue bones in my neck. Plaque on my beloved’s brain. Great love stories begin with such heady promise and end with such sadness and grief—but, at least in…

True love is something that takes work. Sure some people mesh better than others, and if you picked your mate mostly on aesthetics you may realize that having someone you like to look at is not the way to sustain a multi decade relationship. I think when it comes to a partner, you have to just decide that you are always willing to meet them where they are. Its not always where you want them to be either. The flipside…

The Christian theologian Stanley Hauerwas put it this way:

When couples come to ministers to talk about their marriage ceremonies, ministers think it’s interesting to ask if they love one another. What a stupid question! How would they know? A Christian marriage isn’t about whether you’re in love. Christian marriage is giving you the practice of fidelity over a lifetime in which you can look back upon the marriage and call it love. It is a hard discipline over many years.

Re: When my wife developed Alzheimer’s, the story of our marriage kept us connected

#76

Post by IvyMike »

baskethead wrote: post #41

It's a lovely story, but quite honestly, Alzheimer's/dementia is a shitshow. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy and there are many people I despise. There is nothing crueler than dementia. My mom is suffering through dementia right now. We did something similar. We made photo albums, and went through them every day, until my mom stopped responding to them. Within a couple of years, she forgot who we were, or she wo…

I lost a loved one to dementia, and articles like this one make me want to scream.

Every experience is different. But most people think "oh, they just start getting forgetful", but as the mind decays, everything, everything, goes. Imagine your parent screaming at you in rage because they are hungry, but they've also decided that they hate every food you put in front of them, and they have refused to eat for two days. They are quite literally starving. "What do you want, I'll literally make you anything!", and they scream back "JUST BRING ME SOME FOOD!" Your life is falling apart trying to take care of them. And your parent tells you they hate you, and that you must hate them, since you aren't helping them. They can't shower, they can't brush their teeth, they can't use the bathroom without help. You start to need to take care of them like they are a baby, but babies are tiny and weak, your parent is large and while they're not "strong" anymore, they're still able to fight you in a way a baby cannot. They're in constant physical pain, but they can't describe where, and they lash out both physically and verbally.

They'll forget how to speak, or maybe they just stop trying. Then, they'll forget how to chew, and then once you move to a liquid diet, they'll eventually forget how to swallow.

Fuck this article.

Re: When my wife developed Alzheimer’s, the story of our marriage kept us connected

#78

Post by snapcore »

Shamii wrote: post #64

My grandpa had dementia due to his age. When I visited him for the last time he knew who I was. But he clearly repeated very similar behavior patterns. He also showed clear signs of not remembering 'state'. Like time or location. It was very hard for me because that gave me the feeling that he as a person was gone. I cried after that for a while and it was basically me saying good bye . My sister didn't see it like t…

Well, you only feel in the present, so he did feel things even though he may not have been who he used to be. We all are shifting and changing anyway, and our memories give us a sense of coherency, but the present is who we are most readily.

And, it can be terrifying to not know where you are or who you are for some people in those moments. So maybe he found some comfort in those moments with that one sister. That's how I think about it.

Re: When my wife developed Alzheimer’s, the story of our marriage kept us connected

#79

Post by jholman »

intrasight wrote: post #77

I am recently divorced from my wife of 30 years. I have a girlfriend now, but I am not sure if I'll have sufficient time to develop such stories. It's something that I think about.

My sympathies.

My wife of 11 years left me this year (I still don't know why). I think about the same thing... I still (probably) have time to find out what it's like to be married 30 years, but I (probably) no longer have the time to experience a 60-year marriage. And that was, honestly, the only serious goal I had for my life, so that sucks.

But, you know, once upon a time a girlfriend of 7 years left me, and I was sad that I'd have to start again. But my mom told me, and she was right, that when the next go-round happened, it's not really like starting again in many ways. Much of the maturation that happens in a relationship is actually carried within to the next relationship. So, although I still envy those who get to stay married, and those who are still married and so might yet stay married, maybe I don't need to believe that my dream is completely dead. If it's not too pretentious, maybe I can hope that I can make kintsugi of myself.

I started this message hoping to commiserate and perhaps encourage, but actually I guess I'm just wallowing. Dealing with grief is still tough, what a surprise.

Re: When my wife developed Alzheimer’s, the story of our marriage kept us connected

#80

Post by austinjp »

Dementia is in the future for many of us. If not you then your parents or children, or friends, colleagues, whatever. You'll see someone with it, one day, and it's truly horrible.

Donate to your nation's dementia or Alzheimer's research foundations.

Post reply on HN