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What you learned after having kids that questioned the decision of having kids?

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Re: What you learned after having kids that questioned the decision of having kids?

#71

Post by satisfice »

If I had known how much I would enjoy my son’s company once he grew up, I would have tried harder to have more than just the one kid.

I didn’t feel a connection to him until he was almost a year old. Then paternal chemicals kicked in. I began to enjoy being “devoured” by his needs. Which is weird; but true.

Still, being a parent was much more work for my wife than I expected it to be. Nobody tells you how hard it is.

It’s like becoming a monk: you are cut off from your previous social life; your days are spent in menial chores; and you do all this in service of a quasi-divine being.

Re: What you learned after having kids that questioned the decision of having kids?

#72

Post by satisfice »

quattrofan wrote: post #17
ericalexander0 wrote: post #3

It will make you a better person. There's nothing easy about it. You'll have less time for selfish things. Your self control will be challenged as you try to maintain composure in many challenging situations. Some that involve diaper blowouts at 3am, the night before a big presentation. You'll be forced to adapt as your lifestyle changes. Old friends without kids will invite you out less. You'll find new friends with…

"make you a better person" how incredibly arrogant,and I would argue having children is incredibly selfish. You are filling a need for yourself no-one else, there is nothing that couldn't be improved by less people on the planet.

Have you actually thought about this? Do the math, man. Society can’t function without quite a few young people and not so many old ones. I also would like the population to drop, but it has to be done carefully.

Re: What you learned after having kids that questioned the decision of having kids?

#73

Post by satisfice »

slumdev wrote: post #68
mdorazio wrote: post #56

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes, read the comment you responded to. It said nothing about permanently dropping fertility rates to zero either. You made a straw man argument and I called you out on it.

That poster made the unqualified statement that having children is a selfish decision. If there are at least some people for whom the decision is not selfish, then it's a false statement. If there are no people for whom the decision is not selfish, then if every couple were to act selflessly, the human race would end in a single generation.

Ah, sweet logic.

Re: What you learned after having kids that questioned the decision of having kids?

#74

Post by satisfice »

speedgoose wrote: post #8

Dealing with so much poop is actually not that bad.

It really isn’t, right?

I didn’t do it much. My wife seemed to think it was her job, and I wasn’t going to argue.

But I was surprised to discover that infant poop doesn’t hardly smell. And also surprised that when I got puked on, it didn’t bother me... it felt as if I had thrown up on myself, which is not fun, but also not really that terrible.

Re: What you learned after having kids that questioned the decision of having kids?

#75

Post by satisfice »

blacktriangle wrote: post #21
tommek4077 wrote: post #13

Your hobbies will lose.

They'll come back. Little kids are incredibly time intensive, but once your youngest hits 6 or so and starts having their own interests, friends, hobbies, sleep overs, you'll start getting a lot of that free time back, and if you're lucky you can even start sharing hobbies with your kids.

My son mobbed me all the time until he turned 12 and a half. What happened then? He started online gaming. I have had peace and quiet ever since.

He met his wife while gaming, and now they’ve been married six years. A family that plays together stays together.

Re: What you learned after having kids that questioned the decision of having kids?

#76

Post by AndrewDucker »

jasonkester wrote: post #37
blacktriangle wrote: post #25

Biggest thing I wish I would have known is that kids would have been way easier if I started younger. The lack of sleep and extra physical activity is seriously demanding to the point where my kids are now my primary motivation for excersizing just to keep up with them. Obviously this doesn't help out older people, but for younger people debating to have kids earlier or later in life, the answer is have them earlier.…

Funny, I feel the other way around. I waited until I was 40 and everything seems like it was so much easier. All our friends had had kids, so there was this unlimited supply of free baby stuff available. Not that we needed free stuff because we had a whole lifetime of savings and high paying jobs to cover any expenses that might have come up. I also don't need anywhere near as much sleep anymore as I did in my 20s, s…

Also, when you're 40 chances are you're not going to be at home with a 2 year old wishing you were in a club getting hammered.

And you hopefully have a better idea of yourself and some more humility.

Re: What you learned after having kids that questioned the decision of having kids?

#77

Post by 4b11b4 »

freshgreen9 wrote: post #22

Honestly, I learned that deep down I hate my kids, but the societal bias against such a position leads me to appear otherwise. That adds to misery though, since now I’m just not myself. Obviously it was a mistake for me. They’re all around 7 now and I’m trying to do my best, but Id rather them grown and gone. Lastly, all the talk about more fulfilling lives etc. How would you know anyway? It’s not like you took both…

Props to you for being able to communicate real feelings instead of burying down.

If somehow an internet stranger can change your perspective, I happen to find kids (actually, I view almost everyone as fundamentally) insanely intelligent and interesting. It's probably because I don't have kids that I am able to be in a less stressed position, but I find that watching kids grow is fascinating and frankly.. fucking incredible.

(for me) It's similar to learning about how insanely complex soil life is. Mind blown.

I know for a fact if I had not begun to come to terms with my own self and all of the things I don't like about myself over the past two years, I probably would be extremely critical of my kids as well. But I have learned to allow my critical-ness to manifest thoughts (as it always will) and then to let those thoughts go.

Re: What you learned after having kids that questioned the decision of having kids?

#78

Post by blacktriangle »

lotsofpulp wrote: post #45
blacktriangle wrote: post #21

Earlier quoted context omitted.

They'll come back. Little kids are incredibly time intensive, but once your youngest hits 6 or so and starts having their own interests, friends, hobbies, sleep overs, you'll start getting a lot of that free time back, and if you're lucky you can even start sharing hobbies with your kids.

My parents and grandparents comment that all the younger people today have to spend a lot more time with their kids than they ever did. They said they had 3 and 4 and 5 kids and once they were walking, they were outside in the village with other kids and older siblings/cousins and they didn’t see them again until they got hungry. Or maybe they ate at a neighbor’s house. Either way, parenting of little kids definitely…

This hits on an interesting point, the more kids in your general life, not just your own but among your family, friends and neighbors, the easier having more kids is. Its interesting in the tit suggests population growth is hard to find a stable equilibrium and instead groups would be expected to oscillate between growing too fast and shrinking.

Re: What you learned after having kids that questioned the decision of having kids?

#79

Post by lotsofpulp »

blacktriangle wrote: post #78
lotsofpulp wrote: post #45

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My parents and grandparents comment that all the younger people today have to spend a lot more time with their kids than they ever did. They said they had 3 and 4 and 5 kids and once they were walking, they were outside in the village with other kids and older siblings/cousins and they didn’t see them again until they got hungry. Or maybe they ate at a neighbor’s house. Either way, parenting of little kids definitely…

This hits on an interesting point, the more kids in your general life, not just your own but among your family, friends and neighbors, the easier having more kids is. Its interesting in the tit suggests population growth is hard to find a stable equilibrium and instead groups would be expected to oscillate between growing too fast and shrinking.

You also have to live near friends and family, not be in an area with cars, and live close enough to each other to be able to walk. The design of modern suburbs precludes most of this, as does moving around for job opportunities/schools with greater proportions of richer kids.

Therefore this previously near zero cost activity of raising toddlers becomes a $15k+ per year expense for just daycare, on top of the time you personally have to attend to them at home.

Re: What you learned after having kids that questioned the decision of having kids?

#80

Post by jinushaun »

If you’re looking for a “male perspective” to talk you out of having kids, sorry, but you’re barking up the wrong tree. Raising a child is simultaneously the best and worst thing will happen to you. It’s incredibly challenging in ways you never would have expected, but also infinitely rewarding.

One advice I can offer is that, unless you want to be one of those fathers that never sees their kids and leaves the parenting to “other people”, your career velocity will suffer. So make sure you’re at a good spot in your career before having kids. You don’t want to compete with a young person with no kids who can put in more hours and more focus. Work smarter, not harder. You should be at a point in your career where you have more team/org/company level impact than direct IC impact. It’s more efficient when your work is multiplied by other people. Delegate. Delegate. Delegate.

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