71–80 of 216 posts
If you are reading this make sure you get a colonoscopy before 40, but also a 23andme to see if you have genetic susceptibility to colon cancer. If you have susceptibility, then don't smoke and a colonoscopy by 30 or smoke and a colonoscopy by 25. Don't drink a lot of sugary drinks either. Writing this because too many young people are getting colon cancer & it's a completely preventable cancer.
Earlier quoted context omitted.
> If I'm tired, it's necessarily because I'm mismanaging my work and time Is it though? What if you are (always) on call? What if you get a message from your boss late evening asking for stuff for early morning? What if you have late night meetings or very early morning meetings (and what if both are present)? What if coworkers from other timezones are messaging you outside work hours (if you even have defined work h…
That's still mismanaging your work and time, but indirectly. Find a better job where your colleagues respect your personal time.
There are several problems with your statement:
- find a better job: the job market is not ideal right now from the worker's perspective. Not to mention the difficulty of onboarding remote employees which is a stressor in itself. Not to mention the stress and the added workload of joining a new company/role while you have to build trust in a short amount of time.
- finding and landing a job is stressful. Assuming we're talking about jobs in CS, the prep is long, takes a lot of your personal time and ultimately you need to deal with a good amount of rejection. Stressful af.
- after landing a job, figuring out if it's a better job is hard. You really can't. There are yellow/red flags you can notice during interviews along with other intelligence you can get from insiders but more often than not the situation on the ground is more or less a crapshot.
- respecting personal time is subjective. Also a thing which you can't really figure it out unless you're in the specific situation and see if it matches your expectation.
Earlier quoted context omitted.
My wife works about 25-30 hours per week. However, she spends most of that on her hobby (more than I spend on the mortgage). She doesn't contribute to any bills other than her gas and tires. I pay all the bills, benefits, utilities. I do all the shopping, cooking, baking, mechanic work, handyman work, projects, legal research (a case she got us involved in because she won't listen to me), medical research (our son ha…
Very tough situation. I suppose it is difficult to discuss the imbalance.
For example, she says that I should pursue my expensive hobbies too, like track nights with the 1LE Camaro (which I felt I had to sell when getting married). Where would that money come from?! Should I just not pay the mortgage, or stop saving for retirement? She has also said if I don't like my job that I should quit. I've explained that it would be a significant pay cut since I have experience in non-marketable tech (FileNet and Neoxam). Again, where will that difference come from?
I've suggested she pay portion of the bills, but she won't. If she makes 30% of our income, then why can't she pay 20% of our shared bills (mortgage and utilities). I even explained it that way, but she won't do it. Not even a counter offer.
Earlier quoted context omitted.
Very tough situation. I suppose it is difficult to discuss the imbalance.
I've brought it up. She doesn't care. She tells me unrealistic things too. For example, she says that I should pursue my expensive hobbies too, like track nights with the 1LE Camaro (which I felt I had to sell when getting married). Where would that money come from?! Should I just not pay the mortgage, or stop saving for retirement? She has also said if I don't like my job that I should quit. I've explained that it w…
I know you have a kid, but they'll grow up to resent you if you stay the course because they don't understand the weight you carry on your shoulders and your wife will have more energy for them.
Divorce will actually be better for your kid. You'll still be able to see them and shape them. Over time, they may favor spending time with you.
Earlier quoted context omitted.
Myself and most of my millennial peers feel this way exactly. Some are still hopeful that they'll own a home & raise a large family like their parents and grandparents did, but the rest of us aren't so sure.
I have a house and one kid. My wife wants another kid and complains that out house is too small (it's 1800 sqft). I hate my job but have no other options to support us. I honestly wonder how I did not listen to all the advice of other people about not getting married. Even at this same job I was much happier years ago. Part of that was because I hadn't been disillusioned yet, but I think part of it was also that I ha…
Please, for god's sake, make sure you are using a condom and don't take her word for it that she's on birth control.
(I'm a woman and a former full-time homemaker, fwiw.)
Earlier quoted context omitted.
Is it allowed to tell wives who push husbands like that to get jobs themselves? Is it really believed that housework is as hard and stressful as a tech job? I feel like we're not really supposed to voice that aloud, but how else is that to be challenged?
My wife works about 25-30 hours per week. However, she spends most of that on her hobby (more than I spend on the mortgage). She doesn't contribute to any bills other than her gas and tires. I pay all the bills, benefits, utilities. I do all the shopping, cooking, baking, mechanic work, handyman work, projects, legal research (a case she got us involved in because she won't listen to me), medical research (our son ha…
I don't presume to know what the right move is for you, but it sounds like you need to do something. Your situation is not normal. Have you considered couple's therapy? Divorce might also be on the table.
Clicked for me recently that working hard is like driving in first gear. Necessary initially, but if you don't shift up into higher gears, you're probably not doing it right, and not getting as far as fast as you probably should. If I'm tired, it's necessarily because I'm mismanaging my work and time, and that's a signal it's time to step back and figure out what's wrong. Some people are really good at that initial t…
> If I'm tired, it's necessarily because I'm mismanaging my work and time Is it though? What if you are (always) on call? What if you get a message from your boss late evening asking for stuff for early morning? What if you have late night meetings or very early morning meetings (and what if both are present)? What if coworkers from other timezones are messaging you outside work hours (if you even have defined work h…
Earlier quoted context omitted.
I have a house and one kid. My wife wants another kid and complains that out house is too small (it's 1800 sqft). I hate my job but have no other options to support us. I honestly wonder how I did not listen to all the advice of other people about not getting married. Even at this same job I was much happier years ago. Part of that was because I hadn't been disillusioned yet, but I think part of it was also that I ha…
My wife wants another kid Please, for god's sake, make sure you are using a condom and don't take her word for it that she's on birth control. (I'm a woman and a former full-time homemaker, fwiw.)
Earlier quoted context omitted.
I have a house and one kid. My wife wants another kid and complains that out house is too small (it's 1800 sqft). I hate my job but have no other options to support us. I honestly wonder how I did not listen to all the advice of other people about not getting married. Even at this same job I was much happier years ago. Part of that was because I hadn't been disillusioned yet, but I think part of it was also that I ha…
Is it allowed to tell wives who push husbands like that to get jobs themselves? Is it really believed that housework is as hard and stressful as a tech job? I feel like we're not really supposed to voice that aloud, but how else is that to be challenged?
Certainly its a sign that much better communication is needed in the relationship (and probably, honestly, should have happened before the relationship proceeded to either children or marriage, but aside from warning to people not yet in the situation [0], that's kind of moot.)
That communication probably needs to be a lot more nuanced than "tell wives [...] to get jobs themselves".
> Is it really believed that housework is as hard and stressful as a tech job?
Having done both, I believe it. Of course, there's probably people for whom housework is less or a tech job more "hard and stressful" than is the case for me.
> I feel like we're not really supposed to voice that aloud, but how else is that to be challenged?
Why should it be challenged? Winning some abstract argument about the generalized relative strenuousness of different activities doesn't seem particularly useful.
What is needed in a relationship is mutual communication and working arrangement that functions well for the two parties involved. Abstract generalities are mostly a distraction.
Earlier quoted context omitted.
I'm paraphrasing a story whose origin I can't remember at the moment, but basically if you have 6 hours to chop down a very large tree, you should spend 5 of those hours sharpening your axe.
I'm suddenly feeling a little better about all the time I spend investigating better/different ways to approach technical problems, even when I know that I can't apply them to the problem that is immediately in front of me. I mean, obviously at some point you need to cut down the tree, and sometimes you're just carving down your ax without making it any sharper, but still.
I spend time researching, investigating, figuring out the best way to do it, implementing the solution and potentially being pulled off to something else in the meantime. And then comes along some spiffy "throw hammer at the problem" person that can't stand spending too much time on a problem, who then proceeds to solve it in some crappy way that "kinda works". Then goes ahead and convinces everyone to go with it because "hey it's already done and kinda works and why throw away work", nevermind the "work" you did figuring it out and them not even bothering to ask you for your info (or downright ignoring it because it wasn't quick enough for their way of operating).
And then when you raise it with management, you get told to "call a meeting" to discuss the issue with the team in such a way that precludes the need for management to get directly involved and tell that other person to sit down and listen - because hey "they're a code ninja that gets shit done" and look at all these things they've done.
Oh and we generally have to spend weeks afterwards fixing all the corner cases they never bothered to think about or investigate. And more meetings get called to discuss it instead of them just listening to you telling them what the solutions are. Because hey, the whole team has to have a say right? We wouldn't want them to think their opinion doesn't matter. 50/50 chance of that, or we end up rewriting it after we come to the realization that the solution sucks, but that code-ninja has already moved along to the next team where "they urgently need help of someone that can just get things done".
/rant