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Why It Doesn't Pay to Be a People Pleaser

greatergood.berkeley.edu

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Re: Why It Doesn't Pay to Be a People Pleaser

#71

Post by [deleted] »

CPLX wrote: post #51
avindroth wrote: post #34

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Okay. Let's take an example from the article. Be transparent, honest, and authentic. Do not ever waiver from this; white lies and false smiles quickly snowball into a life lived out of alignment. Let's say John is this guy who is "transparent, honest, and authentic, and never waivering." And say Jack, John's friend, is addicted to playing Overwatch. John comes by and says, "Jack, you shouldn't play Overwatch. You are…

Oddly, in this example and the several follow ups, nobody has espoused the view that it's almost invariably a complete waste of time to try to get someone else that's not you to quit doing something they enjoy that doesn't affect you.

[deleted]

Re: Why It Doesn't Pay to Be a People Pleaser

#73

Post by rad88 »

__abc wrote: post #60
specialist wrote: post #44

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Well, ya. One's own children are a special case. Even so, they can test you (thinking of the house ape that moved back into my basement). But universally, I try to meet everyone, especially children, where they're at. Children get a lot more chances to learn how to throw the ball back. And I always leave the door open. TMI: one of the biggest surprise to me is connecting with nieces / nephews when they're much older,…

"House ape" .... I'm using this.

Please don't. If you have difficulties with your children, using this term can only make them worse.

Re: Why It Doesn't Pay to Be a People Pleaser

#74

Post by freditup »

specialist wrote: post #44
pavlov wrote: post #40

Earlier quoted context omitted.

...move on to next partner. Works remarkably well for children I'm curious how you actually follow through on that with children. It's hard to move on from them (without inflicting lifetime psychological trauma, anyway).

Well, ya. One's own children are a special case. Even so, they can test you (thinking of the house ape that moved back into my basement). But universally, I try to meet everyone, especially children, where they're at. Children get a lot more chances to learn how to throw the ball back. And I always leave the door open. TMI: one of the biggest surprise to me is connecting with nieces / nephews when they're much older,…

But aren't interactions with nieces/nephews usually filtered through their parents, until they're grown up? Maybe it was just this way for me, but I didn't have many real interactions with my aunts/uncles until I grew up and left home.

Re: Why It Doesn't Pay to Be a People Pleaser

#75

Post by gm-conspiracy »

__abc wrote: post #60
specialist wrote: post #44

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Well, ya. One's own children are a special case. Even so, they can test you (thinking of the house ape that moved back into my basement). But universally, I try to meet everyone, especially children, where they're at. Children get a lot more chances to learn how to throw the ball back. And I always leave the door open. TMI: one of the biggest surprise to me is connecting with nieces / nephews when they're much older,…

"House ape" .... I'm using this.

is that a euphemism for a slashdot moderator?

Re: Why It Doesn't Pay to Be a People Pleaser

#76

Post by adrianratnapala »

webwanderings wrote: post #21
internaut wrote: post #13

Earlier quoted context omitted.

And yet the karma mechanism on HN and other social networking websites biases users into toeing the line of what is the 'general view'. The view of course changes considerably over time which shows it is mostly about mood or values. There has got to be a better regulation mechanism than '+1' and the received wisdom.

Thank you for speaking my mind. I have been saying this wherever I see these karma-mechanisms being employed (likes, hearts, click buttons). I have not seen any website disclose to explain what exactly these button-clicks do to help anyone? These are basically waste of time and useless. I would not have helped you a bit if I had just clicked the up arrow on your comment (nor would I have helped the HN owners with the…

At HN at least, it looks like the +1's do some work in prioritising both posts and comments. That is, newer entries are shown first, but high-voted ones stay near the top longer.

At least that's the vague impression I have gleaned.

Re: Why It Doesn't Pay to Be a People Pleaser

#77

Post by kross »

avindroth wrote: post #34
benatkin wrote: post #19

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The author defines people pleasing: > People pleasing, in my extensive personal experience, is a process of guessing what other people want, or what will make them think favorably of us, and then acting accordingly. People pleasing isn't caring about other people. It's being selfish and manipulative in interactions with other people (often without realizing it). Quite the opposite.

Okay. Let's take an example from the article. Be transparent, honest, and authentic. Do not ever waiver from this; white lies and false smiles quickly snowball into a life lived out of alignment. Let's say John is this guy who is "transparent, honest, and authentic, and never waivering." And say Jack, John's friend, is addicted to playing Overwatch. John comes by and says, "Jack, you shouldn't play Overwatch. You are…

There are some other foundational things needed for living a full life (which I infer is the author's point).

> "Jack, you shouldn't play Overwatch..."

This is judgement, which implies ego. The indicator here is "shouldn't". Ego isn't an authentic representation of self, it is fiction. If we can become aware of ego and avoid following it's incessant needs, we are closer to ego-lessness which can contribute significantly to happiness.

So in the end, being authentic and transparent without ego, the original statement may be something like:

> "Jack, I don't like to play overwatch, I would rather (do x,y,z)"

Great book for anyone seeking - Eckhardt Tolle - "A new earth" - be warned, skip chapter 1!

Re: Why It Doesn't Pay to Be a People Pleaser

#78

Post by kross »

avindroth wrote: post #48
jonknee wrote: post #45

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Pleasing people most definitely pays. That is how the world works; you give people what they want, and you get paid. Supply and demand. The article isn't about how to get paid, it's about achieving happiness.

Sigh. I know how to become happy. Getting paid is part of it. For me, happiness comes from Effective Altruism, which comes from increasing the quality of life for as many people as possible, which is only possible with adequate amount of finances. So get paid >> money >> help other people >> makes me happy. Of course, if you aren't self-reliant, the above doesn't mean anything. p.s. pleasing people also makes you hap…

> p.s. pleasing people also makes you happy, because you develop better relationships.

I disagree with your causation. By people pleasing you develop relationships that are inauthentic, which creates a fiction of good within your relationships. People pleasing and expecting those "better relationships" to be real is just perpetuating your own fiction.

Re: Why It Doesn't Pay to Be a People Pleaser

#79

Post by st3v3r »

avindroth wrote: post #55
st3v3r wrote: post #50

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Except in your example, John isn't being honest. He's being an asshole. Far too many people conflate the two.

He is being completely honest. Which is what the article espoused. The article also said do not hide your emotions. John is mad about the fact that his friend is wasting his life. I displayed that. If you are defining honest as some midpoint between a white lie and an asshole, then what is being honest? Not being completely honest, but just somewhat honest? Then your "honest" is a healthy mix of white lie and complet…

No, I'm sorry, but you're wrong. John is not being honest. He's being an asshole. Being "completely honest" and "not hiding your emotions" does not equal being an asshole. There are many, many ways to express both those things without acting like John.

Seriously, I am completely sick and tired of this idea people have of excusing their assholery by claiming they're being "honest", and that showing even the most modicum of common decency, common sense, and empathy is somehow "hiding their emotions" and being dishonest. It's not.

Re: Why It Doesn't Pay to Be a People Pleaser

#80

Post by astazangasta »

avindroth wrote: post #34
benatkin wrote: post #19

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The author defines people pleasing: > People pleasing, in my extensive personal experience, is a process of guessing what other people want, or what will make them think favorably of us, and then acting accordingly. People pleasing isn't caring about other people. It's being selfish and manipulative in interactions with other people (often without realizing it). Quite the opposite.

Okay. Let's take an example from the article. Be transparent, honest, and authentic. Do not ever waiver from this; white lies and false smiles quickly snowball into a life lived out of alignment. Let's say John is this guy who is "transparent, honest, and authentic, and never waivering." And say Jack, John's friend, is addicted to playing Overwatch. John comes by and says, "Jack, you shouldn't play Overwatch. You are…

You're conflating "being honest" with "being a dick", here. John may experience anger at Jack's behavior, and he may express it in a way that doesn't have to damage his relationship with Jack or hurt Jack's feelings.

A good book on this subject is "Difficult Conversations", a favorite of my wife's, which describes strategies for doing exactly this: being honest about your feelings without ruining someone else's day as a result.

Being honest does not mean you cannot exercise tact and discretion in the way you talk to people.

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