The kind of toxicity I’m talking about doesn’t even involve a conversation.
As an example, a couple months ago at the start of a dev meeting, my boss made a joke about a protest organized by business owners in the area urging our governor to open up businesses. It was covered as a largely conservative group.
Here’s roughly how that went:
Boss: “Doesn’t seem like a chance of this lockdown ending with all of those morons protesting this week”
Coworker A: “Yeah, it’s scary how many of them think the virus doesn’t exist”
Coworker B (imitating conservatives): “I’ll just shoot at the virus with my gun”
Everyone laughs
Coworker A: “The problem is they’re just not educated. If only we could steal their kids away and take them to some private education camp”
Boss grunts with agreement.
Coworker B: “Or they should just be prevented from having kids at all”
Coworker A: “Maybe it’s for the best that they’re the ones that will die off. Natural selection at work.”
Everyone laughs. Then the meeting starts.
It escalates so quickly, in an awkward “half joking” way, that at no point to I feel able to jump in and provide perspective that many of them feel their livelihoods are threatened. That maybe we’re lucky that we haven’t missed a paycheck. That maybe they’re protesting not out of ignorance, but rather perspective we don’t have.
Sometimes it’s simpler - my boss jokes that a neighbor put up a Trump sign and he “always thought they seemed like inbreds”, or a coworker questions why his friends daughter is dating a conservative who “hates women”.
Is that my cue to explain “actually, I’m a conservative but believe strongly in women’s equality” or “hey, just because I have strong feelings about the 2nd amendment precisely as a means for women and minorities to protect themselves doesn’t mean I’m a bigot or an inbred?”
To be fair, I have not outed myself as either a conservative or LGBTQ. Maybe they would think twice about what they say if I do. Maybe these are perfectly innocent jokes using a form of hyperbole that I’m just not getting.
But I’ve also had plenty of conversations with friends and family along the “I wish gay people would keep it to themselves” and “kids need a mom and dad”. In those cases I’ve always felt able to have a discussion advocating against their ideas without feeling like my tires would be slashed in the parking lot.