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The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

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Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#661

Post by ativzzz »

hi41 wrote: post #589
ismail-khan wrote: post #352

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> They are so used to live their own lives that they have extremely hard time compromising any part of it. Reminds me of this passage from The Brothers Karamazov: > “I heard exactly the same thing, a long time ago to be sure, from a doctor,” the elder remarked. “He was then an old man, and unquestionably intelligent. He spoke just as frankly as you, humorously, but with a sorrowful humor. ‘I love mankind,’ he said, ‘…

Nice quote. Does the author tell why he ends up hating a human when he loves humanity. I think I too have that problem. I look at all the TED talks and think I should love humanity but I have a bad husband to my wife and a bad father to my kids. tia.

I think it's not anything wrong with you per se, nor have I read the book, but I think it's because like the author says, dealing with people on an individual basis requires personal sacrifice. Particularly, emotional sacrifice. Allowing people to get a cold without letting it bother you. Making compromises and being forced to do things you don't want, while not being able to do what you want, on a daily micro level.

Whereas tasks that show your love for humanity are more detached from actual individuals. Curing cancer requires you to interact with lab equipment and microorganisms more than humans. Sure your opportunity costs here may be playing video games or traveling, but they are less emotional costs and more material costs.

Paying emotional tolls is difficult, and from my experience, many people are simply incapable of paying them. I mean, they are or may be capable, but they would have to change the way they act or behave, and they are not willing to do so. I think there's a genetic component to it.

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#662

Post by britch »

kadendogthing wrote: post #477
irrational wrote: post #374

Is it just the family, or is it also community institutions? I'm thinking specifically about the decline in church attendance. Regardless of your beliefs, church congregations (not mega-churches, but small congregations of at most a few hundred) provided a built-in community that could provide support, companionship, activities, etc. So far I haven't seen anything that really replicates all those communities had to o…

>I'm thinking specifically about the decline in church attendance. This is an often repeated point but I don't see how it has any credence. Most people who attend churches may talk with each other for just a few hours -- and personally I've found most churches don't really foster a socially-healthy atmosphere. And that's fine, that's not the goals of churches, never has been and most likely never will be. Churches if…

I cannot speak for all churches and I do not have data (though I would love to see a source for the correlation you mention in drug problems/abuse/suicide).

What I can offer is an anecdote: the church my grandparents went to was the center of their social life. The church had donuts and coffee after service in the basement. The whole community would stay and chat. It may have only been for an hour or so, but it allowed for people to get to know their neighbors and would lead to other things. They would organize fundraising and volunteering activities for the community.

Obviously this is just an anecdote, but I don't think it's an anomaly.

I personally am not very religious, and would not consider attending a church even for all these things. I agree that churches often push ideas that are harmful, but I think saying they never served the purpose of creating community is untrue.

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#663

Post by wolco »

adamc wrote: post #558
sakopov wrote: post #514

Man, the older I get the more I realize that life is always a balancing act. I immigrated from a 3rd world country (probably a 2nd world now) 20 years ago with my parents. Both of my parents were engineers and both were paid about once a year by their employer because nobody had any money. So we were broke and poor my entire childhood. And yet we always had friends visiting us. There were always celebrations. Seemed…

:'( The older I get, the more certain I am that people come first. No one sits around in old age wishing they had spent longer hours at the office.

Some do.. there are better nursing homes out there.

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#664

Post by amelius »

subpixel wrote: post #621
sakopov wrote: post #514

Man, the older I get the more I realize that life is always a balancing act. I immigrated from a 3rd world country (probably a 2nd world now) 20 years ago with my parents. Both of my parents were engineers and both were paid about once a year by their employer because nobody had any money. So we were broke and poor my entire childhood. And yet we always had friends visiting us. There were always celebrations. Seemed…

> i'd give up everything i have now to simply enjoy humanity for a change. Everything but security which, unfortunately, is worth giving up a lot of other things to have. I'd move to my wife's home country tomorrow if we could live without fear of our child being kidnapped. My wife's uncle was kidnapped and murdered, another aunt and cousins bound in their home by robbers, and another cousin held for a day by a group…

And don't forget health-care ...

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#665

Post by mlurp »

WhompingWindows wrote: post #2

I felt loneliness acutely this week. I live alone, spend most evenings alone, and on top, work's coding and research has been slow for 2 weeks. Collaborators are at conferences and on vacation, so I had much less work and much less face-to-face contact than usual. Given that I code on my own, distribute analyses via email, and occasionally meet if people are around, I barely talked to people some days this week. Goin…

Hey, I'm in prov too. I'm pretty busy but hit me up if you're interested in hanging out sometime.

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#666

Post by tty2300 »

dashundchen wrote: post #128
WhompingWindows wrote: post #2

I felt loneliness acutely this week. I live alone, spend most evenings alone, and on top, work's coding and research has been slow for 2 weeks. Collaborators are at conferences and on vacation, so I had much less work and much less face-to-face contact than usual. Given that I code on my own, distribute analyses via email, and occasionally meet if people are around, I barely talked to people some days this week. Goin…

Do you know how to ride a bike? It's summer and I am sure there are a ton of casual (i.e. non-racing/fitness groups) bike groups that ride around regularly. Unlike sports or gyms there's a lot more hanging around and chatting, plus you can end up with new destinations. Meanwhile the exercise gives you endorphins. In my similar sized city there's enough cyclists that there are many different "scenes" depending on what…

This is some good advice. Riding a bike gives you a much better sense of community because you see the people and recognise they are the same people you see all the time rather than just another generic car you will never recognise again.

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#668

Post by tropo »

natrik wrote: post #509
graycat wrote: post #425

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You know a LOT about life and family formation. Sooooo, teach your kids. You've identified some of their worst problems and no doubt have solutions that would work for you, so teach them what you know. For your daughter, lots of men DO want good love, home, and family -- she just needs to find one, likely 10-15 years older than she is (for the reason for the age difference, that needs some discussion I omit here). Wh…

If she is 20 years younger, then he will have to date her until she is 18 or so, but that's okay, too. Mother nature and the lawyers agree: A women of 18 is old enough to get married, have kids, and do well at both. WTF is this comment. Please do not take this advice.

Plato and many American states agree: A women of 16 is old enough to get married, have kids

Plato would even add the "and do well at both".

That is advice from a famous philosopher. He thought 16 was ideal for women, and 30 was ideal for men. I have no idea if he might have had a personal bias in that matter.

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#669

Post by somuchlan »

zhirafovod wrote: post #611
sakopov wrote: post #514

Man, the older I get the more I realize that life is always a balancing act. I immigrated from a 3rd world country (probably a 2nd world now) 20 years ago with my parents. Both of my parents were engineers and both were paid about once a year by their employer because nobody had any money. So we were broke and poor my entire childhood. And yet we always had friends visiting us. There were always celebrations. Seemed…

Just move to you home country and enjoy all you like about it! It is that easy! You have to live there to compare, as grass is always greener on the other side, especially when you are on a vacation. You are the master of your life! Make a block party to make neighbor friends, go to a park on a weekend, take a bus (yes, you can't start a conversation at a bus station if you only drive), travel to different US cities.

>especially when you are on a vacation.

This. I used to live in Seattle after vacationing there a handful of times, but after living there I found it to be one of the most least welcoming, racist, Progressively Elitist™ places I've ever lived (and I've lived all over the US).

It's easy to say "I will commit to making more meaningful connections with people/strangers today", but if this is not received or reciprocated; well...there's not really much you can outside of devoting more time in trying to breakthrough some sort of glass wall that some places have created an environment for. Which comes down to two choices in my book:

1. Fight through and prove yourself/others wrong 2. Go somewhere else that you feel will be more accepting

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#670

Post by refurb »

SiVal wrote: post #604
blfr wrote: post #549

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You, too, can strike up a conversation with a total stranger at a bus station and it doesn't have to feel weird. It is, however, likely to be short because people are so unused to it in the atomized west that, if you don't carry the whole conversation, they simply won't know what to say.

In much of "flyover country", Americans routinely greet, chat with, and interact with strangers in public. Ironically, it's one of the American traits often criticized by Europeans. "How rude, how intrusive, to invade my private bubble." But then, the UK has a similar phenomenon, with sophisticated Londoners making the same complaints about England's own flyover country, "the North" [1] [1] https://www.youtube.com/wa…

My mom lives in a small town in Canada. When she visits the Bay area and we go for walks, she always says "hi" to the people we pass. It usually makes people do a double take.

But it was the same when I lived in a mid-sized town in the mid-west US. People were much more friendly and inviting. Randomly striking up a conversation (small talk) was usually quite well received.

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