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I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

wave3.social

641–650 of 728 posts

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#641

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Think the main reason is because real estate is incredibly expensive now. To run some kind of social space and make it financially viable you need to be collecting a significant amount to pay rent and wages. Only way I can see it working is if the government pays for social spaces. An extension of the library system but more focused on events and socialising rather than being a quiet space for reading.

>Only way I can see it working is if the government pays for social spaces. The government effectively does financially support social clubs by exempting them from taxes: https://www.irs.gov/charities-non-profits/other-non-profits/... Actively providing money to clubs would be a tough sell. Grant writing is hard, grant reviewing and auditing is expensive, and there could be a PR nightmare if the government provided m…

I don’t think it would be terribly controversial for councils and local government to just have a building somewhat like a community hall and just let people rent it out for very cheap for whatever social or club events they want.

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#642
post #19

My mother, somewhere around 1976, told me that basically when men get married, they lose all their friends. But they get all their wife’s friends. Which seems prescient to me. Including their husbands, obviously.

I think most men do not maintain friendships unless there is some outside circumstances that keeps them in touch. School, work, church, clubs, or even just being neighbors. Without exception the people who were my closest friends in high school didn't really keep in touch when we all went off to college. The friendships I made in college did not persist after graduation. There's a guy at work I had lunch with almost…

My experience is a bit different from yours, and I wonder what happened with you vs. me that made it that way. (Granted, while I'm a man, the friend groups I'm about to describe are mixed-gender groups, so it's a little different from the overall discussion.)

I have three friends from high school that I still keep in touch with. We have a Whatsapp group that isn't super active, but we chat once or twice a month there. Even though we all live in different places now, we meet up roughly once per year, for a few days, to see each other and hang out, and our chat traffic jumps in frequency for a couple months after that meetup.

I have three friends from college that I still keep in touch with. We have a Signal group that's a bit more active than my high school friend group, with weekly activity. In-person meetings are rare; two of the friends have larger than average family obligations. In college we originally bonded over scifi TV shows, and when new episodes of some shows we all enjoy come out, we'll try to do group watches of them on Zoom (usually with a general chat/hangout before we start watching).

I have three friends from a previous job that I still keep in touch with (I have other friends from this same job that I still keep in touch with and see often enough, but this particular group struck me as a true "friend group" and not just a random collection of people who sometimes see each other in various combinations). We have a Slack workspace that was originally created for one of the guys' bachelor parties in 2018 (this is the only all-male group out of the three). Two of us still live within a ~30 minute drive of each other, but the other two have moved away. The Slack is very active, with near-daily activity, even though one of the four of us lives in a drastically different time zone now. In-person meetups are a bit more informal (and rare for the one of us who lives across the world); often it will just be two or three of the four, depending on who is visiting someone else's city at the time.

While I'm not involved in the day-to-day lives of these friends, they are still dear to me, and maintaining these connections is important to me. I guess it's important to all of us; in the past I've been a member of group chats where there are one or two people who never participate, even though the others do regularly, and it always feels like a bummer to see their name in the list but never hear from them (the former co-worker group I described is like this). It's a tough thing, though, when you think about it: to make these sorts of things successful, the friendships need to be of roughly the same importance to everyone in the group, and I expect that's a difficult bar to meet sometimes.

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#643

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Dyke March New York City has banned Zionists this year. Organizers can’t agree on what that means. https://19thnews.org/2025/05/dyke-march-2025-new-york-city-z...

Far from being hard to understand Zionists in this sense is not all Jews but those that support the actions of Israel in the latest conflict because of the impact on the Palestinian civilian population. I agree there is a lot of equivocation in that article though but it mostly seems to be from people that wish to soft-soap the on-going war crimes Israel is committing rather than anyone genuinely being confused by th…

Zionism has a definition.

political support for the creation and development of a Jewish homeland in Israel https://www.britannica.com/dictionary/Zionism

Historically the majority of jewish people fall into this definition.

So off the bat you creating your own incorrect definition proves it IS hard to understand what a ban on 'Zionists' mean. You've called me a liar for no reason previously so I won't bother responding to you beyond pointing out how flawed your starting premise is.

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#644
post #415

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think most men do not maintain friendships unless there is some outside circumstances that keeps them in touch. School, work, church, clubs, or even just being neighbors. Without exception the people who were my closest friends in high school didn't really keep in touch when we all went off to college. The friendships I made in college did not persist after graduation. There's a guy at work I had lunch with almost…

I read somewhere long ago that the biggest factor in building friendships is shared experience - like the “circumstances” you described. More important than anything else. Ones those experiences go away so does the common ground.

You specifically mention building friendships. What it takes to build and maintain friendships can be different. Once friendships are built on the back of a shared experience, they can survive the loss of that shared experience, if the parties recognize that things have changed, continue to value the friendship, and understand that maintaining the friendship will require a different kind of commitment and different levels and styles of interaction.

I'm not saying this is always easy, and sometimes one or more people in the friend group just decide that the friendships aren't that important to them to maintain. But it's absolutely possible, and can be very rewarding.

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#645
post #19

My mother, somewhere around 1976, told me that basically when men get married, they lose all their friends. But they get all their wife’s friends. Which seems prescient to me. Including their husbands, obviously.

> My mother, somewhere around 1976, told me that basically when men get married, they lose all their friends. In my experience, she lied to you.

"Lied" is kinda unnecessarily harsh there. Her experience taught her something that she thought generalized, but was wrong about that.

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#646
post #401

To be honest, I don't want another social media platform. I just want a group of people that I can talk computers, old tech and projects with and zero risk of politics, religion, or any of the various -isms entering the fray.

It's funny because I want sort of the opposite. I have quite a few tech and tech-adjacent friends, and while I value those friendships a great deal, I want to make new friendships with people who aren't in tech and can talk about other topics. Both because I'm interested in other topics, and because I want to learn about and be involved in other things that are not tech.

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#647

These were a huge part of the American social fabric in the past. Most of the organizations are still active, although smaller than before. There's Freemasons, The Elks, Rotary International, American Legion, VFW, Knights of Columbus, Loyal order of Moose, Shriners, Lions Club, Kiwanis ...

I do wonder what percentage of people (men, in particular, I guess) are members of such organizations. I'm pretty sure I don't even know one person who is a member. I certainly have my own bubble, though, so I assume they're still decently active, but my general impression is that it's likely, say, under 5% of the US population that belongs to one of those.

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#648
post #158

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Are male only country clubs legal?

Not only are they legal, many male only city clubs exist today! https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_gentlemen%27s_clubs_in... Male-only country clubs also exist although are slightly more controversial and less common, such as Burning Tree, Garden City, Butler National, Augusta National (until the last ~10 years), Pine Valley (until the last few years). The unfortunate reality for most of us is that these places ar…

> many male only city clubs exist today!

Em. Nearly all clubs on that page that I checked are open to women or no longer exist.

Several appear to be women-only social clubs, placed on the page by mistake.

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#649

"but it doesn't feel like when I was in college and hung out with a crew of 10+ people on a weekly basis. " I'm in my 40s and in my 20s (shortly after college), I created a meetup group and regularly met with a group of 10-12 people weekly (parties, hangouts, dinner, activities). We are all married now (some with kids) and now meet once/month and the meetup group disbanded before covid. As I've gotten older, I realiz…

I think the main difference is that when you and your friends live near each other (and/or work together) and enjoy the same sorts of activities, maintaining those friendships (even at a deeper level than "hey let's go to the club and hang out without much real social interaction") isn't too difficult.

When people get married, change jobs, start families, move away... then it actually requires a solid amount of effort to maintain those friendships. For some people they really value the friendships enough to put in that work, and for others they don't (and when they do, it has to be mutual for it to work out). The sad part is when people value the friendships, but don't understand that shift, and what's required, and those friendships fizzle out.

I still maintain friendships with a 10-15 people who no longer live near me, and who are doing different things with their lives, and are in very different circumstances than I am. The oldest of these friendships are pushing 30 years now. It's doable, but everyone needs to be on the same page as to what they expect from and what effort they're willing to put into the friendships.

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#650

Honestly I think you might be grappling with getting older and the change that naturally comes with it. >I've let many of my most meaningful friendships fade. At least you acknowledge that part and aren't bitter at your friends that it is somehow their fault. >but it doesn't feel like when I was in college and hung out with a crew of 10+ people on a weekly basis And it won't, ever again. They'll get married, move awa…

You're definitely on to something. Although early 30s doesn't seem so old, the intense nostalgia of college has definitely waned. I would say I'm more grappling with the reality that it really won't ever again feel like that. I know it's true from a time perspective... I'm married and have a full-time job. But I figured I couldn't let the dream die that easily :) Do you really develop lasting friendships on the cours…

I think you can develop lasting friendships doing pretty much any group activity. But it can require a lot more effort (perhaps on your part) to get the ball rolling. Depending on the activity, you probably won't be having deep (or any) conversations while doing the activity, so you need to actively engage with people before or after the activity. That might be very small at first, but over many weeks or months might grow into grabbing a drink or meal after the activity, and being open to starting deeper conversations.

I'm terrible at this. I struggle to push myself to ask deeper questions of new friends, feeling like I'm being intrusive or prying, but I think it's necessary to do this in order to move forward. When we were in college, making friends was easy, because there was a shared experience right in front of us to talk about, and that could naturally lead to deeper conversations. As we get older, that isn't really there, and it takes active, deliberate effort to get there.

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