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Tinder just permabanned me or the problem with big tech

paulefou.com

641–650 of 684 posts

Re: Tinder just permabanned me or the problem with big tech

#641
post #523

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I met my wife when she tapped me on the shoulder in a public place and introduced herself. I just smiled and nodded and ended up with a date - I think I might have gotten my name out at some point -- not sure. She calls me by the correct name now, 20+ years later in any case. Online dating sites/apps seem like they'd be a nightmare.

> Online dating sites/apps seem like they'd be a nightmare. So right now it's pretty much considered impolite / not socially acceptable to ask someone out except on dating apps. This is definitely a downside. But the upside is that a match on a dating app is an explicit acknowledgement of mutual interest, so it's clear that you're meeting up to go on a date and not just hanging out.

> So right now it's pretty much considered impolite / not socially acceptable to ask someone out except on dating apps

Says who?

Re: Tinder just permabanned me or the problem with big tech

#642

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I wonder. Standards might have changed for the younger population, necessary flirting skills in person are no longer maintained as widely as they used to. Generally, things that are challenging tend to be taken over by technology. It is not that different from how people forgot to orient themselves in a city without navigational apps. Or how they no longer know how to, say, make butter (unlike in 1900).

It's not just that, those flirting skills are not safe to use anymore. You can get an harassment charge for touching someone in the arm these days (happened to some lonely autistic kid). Having confirmation of mutual attraction first makes things both easier and safer.

That‘s BS. I hear this say a lot of guys who are just too scared to approach a woman. A real decent excuse.

People are just too scared and lazy and hide behind other reasons. Of course it‘s convenient, but it is so strange if you think about it.

But then, i, as freelancer, get even cringes out when using linkedin. So part of the issue obviously lies with me.

Still to all guys: at least be honest to yourself and don‘t use the „you‘re not allowed to…“ argument, when in reality: you‘re just scared.

Re: Tinder just permabanned me or the problem with big tech

#643
post #561

Earlier quoted context omitted.

for what it is worth it was great being the last person around without a smart phone. I dont know how old you are but people use to be alone with their own thoughts. Amazing things happen if you ponder situations until satisfied with your own conclusions. the delay made for wonderful long form conversations. exchanging text like we are doing here doesnt build relationships either. if i would die in the next 20 min yo…

Versions of this comment were common when radio first was introduced. And television. Etc. It's fine to feel nostalgia for some aspects of past interaction of course, but a mistake to read too much into it. Generally an area to be aware of recency bias.

I’m afraid that’s just a meme. Each of these have tradeoffs. It’s not nostalgia to want to take the other side. You’ve probably encountered the popular movement to not watch television, and terrestrial radio is in decline. Podcasts are a sort of modern radio equivalent and there is plenty written about the downsides of filling too much time with them. Boredom and idle thought are recognized by physiological and psychological experts to have value.

There is certainly value to resiliency and judiciously making the most advantage of each new trend in communication, however.

Re: Tinder just permabanned me or the problem with big tech

#644

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm not single and haven't been fora long time, but my understanding is that if you're single you can't really opt out of these apps, practically speaking. Even the norms around dating, picking people up in bars, etc. are changing because of these apps, so it's harder to find people in the real world. Not impossible, obviously, but getting banned from Tinder is kind of a big deal. (Also all these apps are owned by th…

Haha, this is ridiculous. Picking up dates in real life is not only still completely doable, but probably easier these days due to the sheer lack of competition from men who just have no idea how to do it.

My thoughts exactly. It’s like some of these people have never gone out on weekends or even had a chat with a woman randomly at the gym, supermarket, at cafe, out for a walk. What’s the problem? Just say hi and be normal. If she doesn’t seem interested, smile and move on!

Re: Tinder just permabanned me or the problem with big tech

#645

Earlier quoted context omitted.

How does one even game it unless you’re putting up fake photos? And at that point - what’s the point…? That person won’t date the actual you.

You still got to figure that part out. There are many people that do decently with attraction in person who wouldn't do as well in a visual app. Attraction in person is weighed by energy, actions, social validation and also looks. This method is more useful for people that can do that, but don't match preconceived visual ideals that the potential mates have, but passable. So replicating that in an app trying to emula…

What if you aren’t conventionally attractive though or have unsymmetrical facial features and are not photogenic. I think your advice does not apply to a lot of people who never get picked on these types of platforms

Re: Tinder just permabanned me or the problem with big tech

#646

Earlier quoted context omitted.

To take it a step further, throw your phone away. I've been digital overseer/fear machine free for almost 2 years now, and can definitively say it's the best decision a person can make for their mental well being.

I don't think this is practical. Say you need to get home at night. Without a phone, you can't call an Uber, you can't see if there's public transit still running (schedules have changed a lot over the past 1-2 years), you can't take pictures or videos of anything you witness, etc. In theory with a basic phone you have some inferior options (like calling a cab company and praying until the cab arrives), but in practi…

You're right about the world moving on. It's not practical for most people. I'm 51 and don't use it for much except texting and the hotspot, but I still take it with me if I'm expecting a call while I'm outside the house.

When you grow up without a phone, you prepare more than you have to now. You just learn the streets so you don't need a map app. Bring a jacket in case you break down and have to walk. Carry a can of 'fix-a-flat' in the car or a plug kit to take care of flat tires.

I'm too set in my ways to change.

Re: Tinder just permabanned me or the problem with big tech

#647
post #619

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The data is pretty clear that the only time social media is beneficial is if it leads to the formation/maintenance of long term relationships. Without that it's just entertainment, and entertainment that is not "happy" making for most.

Where can I see that data?

Google scholar is the easiest source, but I can help by sharing a few (there is no single paper I know of that sums everything up). It's a difficult topic because so few solid studies have been done - but everything we know suggests that its effects are - on average - weak. In other words, online time appears to neither add to nor detract from the lives of most people (at least directly). It's just time filled up with vanilla.

See: https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352250X2...

And: https://www.annualreviews.org/doi/abs/10.1146/annurev-psych-...

https://europepmc.org/article/ppr/ppr407158

But there are a minority of folks on either end of the spectrum. On the negative side, specific types of personalities, attachment styles, and so on can suffer significantly on the internet and especially on social media. The media loves these studies, there’s a ton and they are easily found so I’ll just refer you to scholar.

Then there are groups of people that gain from the internet. The few studies that have bothered to investigate how people use their time online and in social media in detail have found that talking to internet randos in one-off fashion does not help, but that - and I’ll quote here:

“When people use social media in a truly social manner (i.e., actively interacting with meaningful social relations in a way akin to in-person social interactions) it was positively associated with psychological well-being. We propose this is because truly social usage promotes meaningful social relations, which result in positive psychological consequences such as reinforcing one’s identity, feeling valued, and mitigating stressful situations. Yet, when people use social media in other ways (e.g., passively engaging with weakly connected others, celebrities, brands, companies, or strangers typically for entertainment purposes) it does not influence psychological well-being. Therefore, how and how much people use social media has implications for their psychological health.” (in https://www.msi.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/MSI_Report_21...)

Of course this is but one study, and an as-yet unpublished one (though it appears well-designed). A meta-analysis from 2017 using this as a frame though backs this up here: https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/09637214177308... - and a more recent though poorly written one generally mirrors it: https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.6787....

Another recent study - this time on the 60+ crowd - found “answering questions online were positively related to depressive symptoms” and looking at photos of non-family members on social media was associated with anxiety (https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/146144482110543...)

Then there’s the work of Alexander J. A. M. van Deursen, in which he focuses on who exactly gains from their time on the internet and how - and how this in turn perpetuates inequality. You can find his work here: https://research.utwente.nl/en/persons/alexander-jam-van-deu...

But the foundation of the argument for me lies more in the research on what contributes to happiness and well-being, and which of those variables can be realistically gained from time on the internet and social media. What in the long term will make a difference in a person’s life? And invariably the most impactful outcome is the formation of an offline friendships and so-called "social capital". Which appears to generally be a rare thing - https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/1369118080263543... - though it does happen, and it seems self-disclosure is a key to that (among other things) - https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/146144481985874....

There’s more research that can be brought to bear on this, but that at least may provide a start for your own inquiry.

Re: Tinder just permabanned me or the problem with big tech

#648

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's not just that, those flirting skills are not safe to use anymore. You can get an harassment charge for touching someone in the arm these days (happened to some lonely autistic kid). Having confirmation of mutual attraction first makes things both easier and safer.

That‘s BS. I hear this say a lot of guys who are just too scared to approach a woman. A real decent excuse. People are just too scared and lazy and hide behind other reasons. Of course it‘s convenient, but it is so strange if you think about it. But then, i, as freelancer, get even cringes out when using linkedin. So part of the issue obviously lies with me. Still to all guys: at least be honest to yourself and don‘t…

Search for Jamie Griffiths on google and stop being a knob. This shit is serious. At least for people on the spectrum. Lots of shy guys out there with no experience who can't get it either because stuff like this happens. The girl wasn't in the wrong either.

Re: Tinder just permabanned me or the problem with big tech

#649

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You still got to figure that part out. There are many people that do decently with attraction in person who wouldn't do as well in a visual app. Attraction in person is weighed by energy, actions, social validation and also looks. This method is more useful for people that can do that, but don't match preconceived visual ideals that the potential mates have, but passable. So replicating that in an app trying to emula…

You didn't really give anything particular that you've done except that you just create a new profile when you aren't doing well and try different content - which is about the most basic and well known strategy...

So? Its about keeping that profile useful for longer. Getting more attractive matches for longer, having a greater probability that the attractive profile will even see your profile ever.

Many people never get matched because there was never even a chance to get matched. Thats the only observation and mitigation presented.

Re: Tinder just permabanned me or the problem with big tech

#650
post #645

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You still got to figure that part out. There are many people that do decently with attraction in person who wouldn't do as well in a visual app. Attraction in person is weighed by energy, actions, social validation and also looks. This method is more useful for people that can do that, but don't match preconceived visual ideals that the potential mates have, but passable. So replicating that in an app trying to emula…

What if you aren’t conventionally attractive though or have unsymmetrical facial features and are not photogenic. I think your advice does not apply to a lot of people who never get picked on these types of platforms

Its not supposed to
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