I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic • Hacker News Board

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#601

Post by nswizzle31 » Fri, May 30, 2025, 6:39 PM UTC

cogogo wrote: post #410

I find it ironic that the site is missing information about its creators and their background given the mission/goals. Presume OP is the Nick in the contact at the bottom. If OP is reading I’d definitely suggest adding something about yourself and anyone else involved and why doing this matters to you.

Thanks for this comment - I created the site quite quickly to gauge interest in this cause that's really important to me... the response has been overwhelming. I am adding some real pictures of myself and friends, along with more info about me both on the page and in the eventual instagram page.

Little about me just for kicks - I'm early 30s, married, recently moved to Boston with a great tech job and a really solid group of friends from college that I unfortunately don't live close to anymore. I've made some good friends since moving here but it has all been through someone taking a herculean level of initiative to plan things and invite people to stuff. I want to lower that friction to have consistent IRL interactions with interesting people - whoever those people might be for a given person.

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#602

Post by BeFlatXIII » Fri, May 30, 2025, 6:42 PM UTC

rchaud wrote: post #120

JKCalhoun wrote: post #41

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> You can't ever be real, if you are real, you are likely to be recorded doing something… I'm real all the time. What am I missing here?

The 800lb elephant in the room about this whole idea - some people have trouble building friendships because they can't stop themselves from bringing up fringe topics with people they just met, and insisting on having conversations about them.

Isn't RFK diligently working day and night to find a cure?

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#603

Post by iteria » Fri, May 30, 2025, 6:43 PM UTC

_DeadFred_ wrote: post #562

tayo42 wrote: post #526

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You don't think it could be becasue life is just hard and someone is providing an easy scapegoat for their own problems?

My son was the gentlest soul. He did city year to help inner city youth with their schooling. He has a very liberal sexuality. He loves and accepts everyone. He has gone over to the dark side and I am heartbroken. The final straw was he built up a business from scratch, with the laid out plan that if he got it running and was successful he would run it. Once it was all successfully running the promise was broken and…

Okay. Let's say everything you said was true. Why is it acceptable for white men to say, "hey, I'm being discriminated against, I would like to oppress everyone else so I can feel better" instead of what historically oppressed minorities do which is advocate for the better of their demographic even in the face of opposition.

This difference in action is why I think that people have a hard time having empathy. These said to be white men are not pushing for bettering themselves by making an equal environment, they are pushing to better themselves by knocking everyone else down. We can't say that others would do the same in their shoes because they didn't.

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#604

Post by BeFlatXIII » Fri, May 30, 2025, 6:44 PM UTC

mrguyorama wrote: post #587

Retric wrote: post #105

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Country club’s are really a subset of this kind of thing and tend to have an overly wide membership to the point where you’re unlikely to know every member. The VFW is another modern take that’s got a very different vibe. Similarly historically it wasn’t just elitist hangouts. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Working_men's_club

Notably, VFWs are struggling because the Vietnam vets are not very welcoming to the War on Terror vets. No women to blame there. What is the cause of the male loneliness epidemic then?

Is it resentment between draftees and volunteers?

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#605

Post by nswizzle31 » Fri, May 30, 2025, 6:46 PM UTC

Esophagus4 wrote: post #452

The idea of needing to impress an in-crowd enough to get an invite to join reminds me of fraternities in college (which I withdrew from half way through the process) and well-heeled yacht clubs or country clubs. I’d much rather make friends where I can just show up and have a nice time with someone based on a shared interest (like my local cycling club, where I’ve met a few folks I hang out with regularly… or even so…

Totally get your perspective and appreciate the thoughts. In full transparency, this idea comes directly from my experience joining a fraternity and making a group of ~10 lifelong friends that I still get together with a few times a year.

We have so little in common interest wise, but we bonded over just being in the same place repeatedly. I'm not in contact with anyone from my engineering program. That says a lot to me about shared interests as a (non-)driver of lasting friendships compared to shared EXPERIENCE, but I'm just one person.

Obviously "frat culture" has an extreme negative connotation, but I will just say that not every fraternity is full of gym bros... they exist for every type of guy and I truly think the socially awkward guys I know who joined fraternities made significantly more meaningful relationship than the cool, good-looking guys who didn't.

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#606

Post by jaredklewis » Fri, May 30, 2025, 6:51 PM UTC

SoftTalker wrote: post #116

rchaud wrote: post #75

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> is this a concern for many men? It's never crossed my mind or been a problem for anyone I've known. Not for me, I have been to plenty of meetups in my city. If you're not liked or don't get along with the others, the worst that can happen is that you'll be politely ostracized. The paranoia about being publicly "cancelled" seems very overblown.

Well we already have people on this page commenting on the demograpic represented on the submitted web site. Yes, in today's world there are almost always people looking to play "gotcha" and will try to pin you as a racist, misogynist, homophobe, or some other sort of bigot or pariah.

Ok, but it still seems to be quite rare? I don’t live in the woods or anything and I’ve never been the victim of a “gotcha.” I’ve definitely offended people on various occasions (which I mostly felt bad about), but none of those people ever felt so strongly they tried to ruin my life over it. Nor have I ever known anyone that was “gotcha”-ed as you described.

I unfortunately have known people that have died in car crashes, which is very tragic, but I don’t refuse to drive anywhere as a result. There’s no data on this but I suspect we have far more car deaths than we do individuals who have been socially ostracized as a result of someone spinning their comments as racist/misogynistic/etc…

Basically, it seems like a bad way to run your life. “I might get hit by lightning, better not go outside.”

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#607

Post by drillsteps5 » Fri, May 30, 2025, 7:07 PM UTC

os2warpman wrote: post #106

In my 30s I found myself slipping into the chasm of loneliness. It was particularly difficult for me because I had been in the Army for 10 years and was used to having many male friends I was extremely close with. All I was doing on the weekends was sitting on the couch and I hate sitting on the couch. I decided to fight it by focusing on three aspects of my personality and finding activities that suited them. First…

If you started a blog or at least wrote an article about it a lot of people would be interested. This is amazing.

Also I would KILL (well not really, but maybe seriously injure) for a yoga club (or even class) for middle-aged/older out of shape males _only_.

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#608

Post by Animats » Fri, May 30, 2025, 7:07 PM UTC

aspenmayer wrote: post #393

dcsan wrote: post #130

Earlier quoted context omitted.

they had to move off mission around the corner to a backstreet, so there are less mission vagrant rogues trying to sneak in now, and still the hardcore of interesting people. when i first moved back to the city from overseas, noisebridge was an awesome third place to hang out and hack on stuff while meeting regulars.

> mission vagrant rogues I mean, I am a decent person, but somehow I ended up with a key that worked for the the building and the 2nd floor of the old Mission location of Noisebridge by my second or third visit, despite never having been a member or paying dues etc. I got it from someone else who had also gotten it from someone else if I remember correctly. Only members were supposed to have keys, I think? I wasn't s…

> Hopefully they have tightened up on that if it's a recurring issue.

It was a huge issue. Noisebridge has had to do a "reboot" three times now, 2014, 2017, and 2024. The whole place was closed for some time, everything was cleaned out, and members were re-authorized.

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#609

Post by aspenmayer » Fri, May 30, 2025, 7:10 PM UTC

Animats wrote: post #608

aspenmayer wrote: post #393

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> mission vagrant rogues I mean, I am a decent person, but somehow I ended up with a key that worked for the the building and the 2nd floor of the old Mission location of Noisebridge by my second or third visit, despite never having been a member or paying dues etc. I got it from someone else who had also gotten it from someone else if I remember correctly. Only members were supposed to have keys, I think? I wasn't s…

> Hopefully they have tightened up on that if it's a recurring issue. It was a huge issue. Noisebridge has had to do a "reboot" three times now, 2014, 2017, and 2024. The whole place was closed for some time, everything was cleaned out, and members were re-authorized.

Seems legit. I was last there around 2012 or 2013, fwiw.

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#610

Post by nswizzle31 » Fri, May 30, 2025, 7:23 PM UTC

smaudet wrote: post #254

Hmm, I have used sites like this in past to some effect to make real world connections. Signed up, but despite asking if I lived in one of three cities and selecting "other", it seemed to stick me in some event without a location? There could be room for another app, e.g. Meetup has gotten particularly money hungry. If this is just a prototype I guess good luck!

Thanks, I've fixed that now! I added the "other city" option as a way to let people express interest and if there is enough people + someone willing to show up then I'm happy to expand. Just want to focus on creating a good experience first.