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Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

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Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#601

Post by heedlessly2 »

davesque wrote: post #72

American here: I've had the problem at a few different times in my life that, whenever I actually suggested to guy friends that we hang out, they interpreted it as a pass and thought I was gay. I'm not making this up at all. I think part of the problem is not just the way that priorities change as we get older but the fact that the US seems to have an extremely closed-off and anxiety-ridden culture to begin with. May…

for me, i'm more comfortable asking a girl out on a date than hanging out with a guy

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#602

Post by pm90 »

scardine wrote: post #495
shubb wrote: post #488

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If this were the case, it would be harder to find a romantic relationship as we age. Adjusting for life circumtance and type of relationship sought, I don't see evidence of this. What do you think?

According to my older female friends finding romantic relationships is getting harder for them. My older male friends are less and less interested in romance as they report finding sex with no strings attached is getting easier with age.

Older man dating a younger woman is still culturally accepted but not vice versa. Statistically, this means that the dating pool for older men just keeps increasing.

For older women, the situation is the exact opposite. Their dating pool, which consists of (say) all older men keeps decreasing with age.

That might explain why your older female friends find relationships harder as they age, rather than a decrease in their physical attractiveness. The latter is what many women attribute their situation to, but IMO its just statistics and preferences.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#603

Post by cornholio »

emodendroket wrote: post #573
cornholio wrote: post #531

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Other than gastric bypass, all methods of weight loss have like a 2% success rate over the long term. That's not at all correct. Success rates of weight loss by dieting are around 20%. That's still low, but you have to ask yourself: is it because people really can't control their diet long term, or is it because the majority of the population prefers the self serving narative of obesity genes and viruses, addiction…

Well, here's a source I was remembering the claim from (I was just a little off): http://www.slate.com/articles/health_and_science/medical_exa... > In reality, 97 percent of dieters regain everything they lost and then some within three years. Obesity research fails to reflect this truth because it rarely follows people for more than 18 months. This makes most weight-loss studies disingenuous at best and downright de…

Here is a metastudy that finds 97% kept some weight off after 4-5 years, and 35% maintained or increased their percentage loss: https://academic.oup.com/ajcn/article/74/5/579/4737391

Still bad but not as bad.

It's also important to point out a strong self selection bias in such studies: we mostly deal with those who were overweight and needed to start a diet, so they probably had low impulse control to begin with. An important part of population with better control and similar cravings might have started their willpower exercise after gaining the first few pounds, it's disingenuous to discourage everybody using statistics applied to those who have a trackrecord of failure. If you gained weight by simply not caring about your weight (depression, cultural norms etc.) then you might stand a much better chance of success when you start to care.

The testimonial sounds like a clasic case of artificially lowered basal metabolic rate by crash dieting and associated loss of lean body mass. Such people need high resistance, mass building exercises, not catabolism-inducing aerobic. She might live a very long life tho.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#604

Post by heedlessly2 »

pritishc wrote: post #407
jchallis wrote: post #331

I have found Randi Zuckerberg's quip that of [family, sleep, fitness, friends and work] you can focus on three at a time. For me, it's family, work and fitness. If I have extra time, I use it for sleep. Friends are critically important. They just aren't as important as family, work, fitness and sleep. If I had more free time, I'd invest more in sleep than finding relationships.

Doesn't fitness imply the need for sleep?

i'm pretty sure it means exercise and diet.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#605

Post by brango »

davesque wrote: post #72

American here: I've had the problem at a few different times in my life that, whenever I actually suggested to guy friends that we hang out, they interpreted it as a pass and thought I was gay. I'm not making this up at all. I think part of the problem is not just the way that priorities change as we get older but the fact that the US seems to have an extremely closed-off and anxiety-ridden culture to begin with. May…

Just talk about girls a lot.

One of the guys I met in a bar at a language exchange (good places to meet other hetero guys btw) even joked about this when one of my other friends came over ("Hey we just met each other but both agree she's really hot (pointing to a girl) so we're going to hang out, and go find girls."). It was cool because we ended up with a group of decent guys to hit the town with.

Someone else mentions homophobia. It's not homophobia, just making sure you're on the same page.

Actually, I've got to say, while there are guys to steer clear of, I made a few decent male friends gaming (as in "the game"). It's worth checking out (if you're prepared to work on yourself if you need to) since you'll meet a lot of guys working on themselves or with decent attitudes (just avoid the ones you don't like).

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#606

Post by fetus8 »

warabe wrote: post #192

As a gay man who is almost 30, I think making friends is relatively easy for gay people thanks to dating apps. Perhaps, you cannot same gender friends in Tinder (if I'm wrong, please correct me), but a lot of gay people are using dating apps not only to find relationships but also to find friends. I also think social isolation around gay people makes friendship among gay people special. I don't know much about Wester…

I find this interesting. Here in the US, the gay social apps, still tend to be more focused on hooking up(in my experience). I have been using some of these apps since the beginning of college, and am now in my late 20's, and haven't developed a single friendship that was of any real quality.

Granted, I am sure some of that has more to do with myself and my personality, but any time I meet someone from "the apps", there's always some sexual tension, even if we establish beforehand that we're not looking for sex. It's an odd dynamic which I've tried to breakdown before meeting by adamantly establishing that I'm just looking for friends. Maybe it's where I live, maybe it's the kind of people I end up meeting, or maybe it's me. I know it's partially me because I am in a very different place in my life at my age than most people I know or have meet through these apps. But I sure do wish it was easier to make friend's via the gay social apps.

What app are you using in Tokyo?

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#607

Post by pm90 »

bernardino wrote: post #302
hx2a wrote: post #26

I'm 42, and I wish someone told me in my 20's it would be harder to make new friends as I got older. I would have done things differently. I would have put more effort into making friends then. I am able to make new friends, but they end up being more like acquaintances most of the time. Currently I am in grad school, and that's working out well for me. There's something about the shared camaraderie and shared suffer…

I'm 22, and I think I have one or two capital-t true friends. I do have so-called friends, but they are at their respective colleges and are doing their own thing, and we do hang out when they are back in town, but then again, I don't consider them capital-t true friends (though I would in earlier years). After graduating high school in 2014 till now, I have spent a great deal of time alone (I argue it is partly beca…

I hate to give advice about this specific matter, but I kinda had the same experience as you and feel like I should share my experience. I'm 28 and I still value my alone time and solitude very very much. But I also have a group of friends and date a lot which keeps me engaged socially as well and I like having both worlds. What I would suggest is to value solitude and alone time but also be open to opportunities to hang out with other people. If I have to make a choice between going to someones birthday party and playing on the PlayStation, I've learned to choose the former, even if I may not know the person all that much.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#608

Post by xstartup »

gonzo41 wrote: post #487
xstartup wrote: post #485

By this time people have suffered a lot. Faced economic hardships. I used to make friends regardless of their socioeconomic background but the ones who were poor, always made me feel as if they are poor because of people like me. I am rich. They could justify every worse thing they did to me, just because they thought I had it easy and they had to struggle much. I never got to understand how these guys can justify sc…

You met shitty poor people. Being poor doesn't make you screw people over, but if you're rich, you may not have notice or appreciated how your wealth was interacting with these people. Great example was in the show Friends. There was this episode when Febie? and Joey were broke as f--k and they got all bent out a joint having to be in situations with the others where they were spending more money than they could affo…

I've have helped lots of people and I am a firm believer of "If you can help, you must". Heck, my wife was also poor but she is the best person I've ever met. She is the only one who can set millions of dollars on fire for me. But over the time, my inability to act indifferent to people's struggle has burned me over a countless number of times. Examples include places where I gave out few hundred thousands in help and got scammed out of millions. These days I am living under the rock so that I do not see others' struggle and jump there to help.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#609

Post by Kluny »

watwut wrote: post #415
self_assembly wrote: post #79

Earlier quoted context omitted.

In your father's case it might be because he has no other emotional outlet. But as a male with a decent social life I still don't feel comfortable making my friends an emotional outlet. I'd rather not talk to them about things that are frustrating me or making me feel stressed. So my significant other still gets the brunt of that. In fact most of my male friends also don't get too deep in discussing their feelings. S…

There is talking about being angry primary with wife and then there is not talking much except seemingly random outburst of anger or other unpleasantness. I think that parent talked about the latter, when you are annoying and mean without talking about why, but expect other people to be nice to you because you feel bad.

> I think that parent talked about the latter, when you are annoying and mean without talking about why, but expect other people to be nice to you because you feel bad.

Correct. My dad is not angry with my mom or any particular person. He just gets cranky and grumpy if my mom doesn't socialize him.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#610

Post by macintux »

heedlessly2 wrote: post #594
matz1 wrote: post #576

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Only if you already have especially likable personality, otherwise you do have to be proactive. For me, if I waiting for people to invite me first I end up with 0 friend. It does seem rude and desperate in the beginning but I have to learn to not think it that way.

>if I waiting for people to invite me first I end up with 0 friend but then those other people are begrudgingly inviting you out of politeness since you asked, rather than being a genuine invite

It at least gives you an opportunity to get your foot in the door so next time it's a genuine invitation.
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