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Maybe you’re not trying

usefulfictions.substack.com

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Re: Maybe you’re not trying

#61

Post by whism »

ChrisMarshallNY wrote: post #49
8bitbeep wrote: post #27

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Also, not everything is a competition that needs to be won.

I am not competitive. That's a deliberate stance, and one that I've held for decades. It does contribute to the fact that I haven't achieved greatness, but I have no regrets, and haven't done badly, despite that. It's not weakness, as some folks have found out, over the years. When I "win," then someone else "loses." I have a problem with that.

If you allow yourself to redefine “achieving greatness” you may be surprised by what is on the other side :)

Re: Maybe you’re not trying

#62

Post by ChrisMarshallNY »

whism wrote: post #61
ChrisMarshallNY wrote: post #49

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I am not competitive. That's a deliberate stance, and one that I've held for decades. It does contribute to the fact that I haven't achieved greatness, but I have no regrets, and haven't done badly, despite that. It's not weakness, as some folks have found out, over the years. When I "win," then someone else "loses." I have a problem with that.

If you allow yourself to redefine “achieving greatness” you may be surprised by what is on the other side :)

Great point.

Re: Maybe you’re not trying

#65

Post by Veliladon »

yousif_123123 wrote: post #58

I've always noticed that when I'm giving advice to someone or trying to help out, it always feels their problem is easier than whatever problem I have. As someone with some anxiety around things like calling some company to get something done or asking a random stranger for some help in a store, I would gladly do it if it was to help someone else (family member or friend). But when it's for me I find it harder. I won…

Probably because our desire to help and not let down a person we care about gives us courage. That courage serves as motivation to go outside our comfort zone.

Re: Maybe you’re not trying

#66

Post by Yoric »

yousif_123123 wrote: post #58

I've always noticed that when I'm giving advice to someone or trying to help out, it always feels their problem is easier than whatever problem I have. As someone with some anxiety around things like calling some company to get something done or asking a random stranger for some help in a store, I would gladly do it if it was to help someone else (family member or friend). But when it's for me I find it harder. I won…

Apparently, it's a common symptom of ADHD. Probably of other sources of anxiety, too.

Re: Maybe you’re not trying

#67

Post by pastor_williams »

mistersquid wrote: post #43
ekjhgkejhgk wrote: post #29

> I learned his real name and used it to track down an old friend of his to ask for help Does anybody else find this strange? There's this person whose name you don't even know, but somehow you know who his old friends are? This is not a situation I'm familiar with.

> > I learned his real name and used it to track down an old friend of his to ask for help You left out the adverbial phrase. The whole sentence is > When he reached out to my company six months later to apply for a job, I learned his real name and used it to track down an old friend of his to ask for help — but the friend told me he was afraid to intervene because he didn’t want to become a target himself. When the…

I think the old friend is _her_ old friend, not the stalker's.

The sentence is a bit ambiguous but that's what seems to make the most sense to me.

Re: Maybe you’re not trying

#68

Post by blastro »

yousif_123123 wrote: post #58

I've always noticed that when I'm giving advice to someone or trying to help out, it always feels their problem is easier than whatever problem I have. As someone with some anxiety around things like calling some company to get something done or asking a random stranger for some help in a store, I would gladly do it if it was to help someone else (family member or friend). But when it's for me I find it harder. I won…

Golden rule - treat others as you would like to be treated. Applies externally and internally - IMO. ie. "Treat yourself as you would treat others"

Re: Maybe you’re not trying

#69

Post by 20k »

>Instead of doing those things, you just put up with it. Or, worse, you fight through your anxiety using an earlier solution that required willpower, and the exertion of willpower makes you feel like you’re trying. But the feeling of effort doesn’t mean that you’re Actually Trying.

The peak level of this is when you deliberately don't put in the effort to change aspects of how you approach a problem, because making the problem easier to solve would make it feel like you're cheating at solving the problem. And that somehow the effort of solving something in the fundamentally wrong/high effort way makes you more valuable as a person than the people who find an approach that isn't beating your head against a wall

Even though, weirdly, simultaneously you hold the cognitive dissonance of the fact that you don't actually judge people who do attempt to solve their problems more healthily, and actively give the advice of doing that to friends

Re: Maybe you’re not trying

#70

Post by CoffeeTails »

yousif_123123 wrote: post #58

I've always noticed that when I'm giving advice to someone or trying to help out, it always feels their problem is easier than whatever problem I have. As someone with some anxiety around things like calling some company to get something done or asking a random stranger for some help in a store, I would gladly do it if it was to help someone else (family member or friend). But when it's for me I find it harder. I won…

This is something I've noticed as well. I've talked about this with my psychiatrist and she calls this brave, reassured version of ourself the "me-mentor" (jag-mentor in Swedish). Similar to our inner child, this is a core part of our who we are.

The idea, if I understood correctly, is to build this me-mentor more and let it help us feel more safe. Let it support our insecure parts/personas.

(I hope my English isn't too bad)

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