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Always Invite Anna

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Re: Always Invite Anna

#61

Post by jjmarr »

63stack wrote: post #46
Ancapistani wrote: post #25

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I strongly disagree. Maybe it's an age thing, a "head of household" thing, or just an A(u)DHD thing - but I've definitely been in places in my life where I didn't have time to do anything discretionary. To put it another way - if they're willing to ask you to schedule time to talk to them, they're already violating social norms. Why would they bother to give you a way to get ahold of them if they didn't value the rel…

Making demands about how you want to be contacted when the group has been trying to include you for years is a dick move at minimum. You can say sorry I'll call you back in 10 if you are busy. Trying to dress this up as adhd/age/head of household (what is that even??) is just expecting the world to revolve around you No, learn to be a decent person.

Or the person's just going through a rough patch.

I feel bad because in a few years that person might get laid off and realize they don't have any friends anymore.

Re: Always Invite Anna

#62

Post by GreenWatermelon »

NuclearPM wrote: post #60
BeetleB wrote: post #29

By the time you get to my age, your list of potential Anna's will be in the high dozens. You simply cannot keep this up with all the Anna's. A lot of people genuinely don't want to hang out with you. Likely that number exceeds the "real" Anna's by an order of magnitude. If there's someone I particularly like, I'll keep inviting him. But if the person is otherwise normal (e.g. clearly has a social life), I invite 3-5…

> To which I'd love to respond with s/any more/ever/ What does that mean?

`s` is a replace command, so parent is saying "substitute 'anymore' with 'ever' "

Re: Always Invite Anna

#63

Post by kazinator »

> I know she’s always going to say no

No you don't, though. The conclusion is not logically justified, any more than the concept of a lucky streak at the casino.

Re: Always Invite Anna

#64

Post by mock-possum »

dexterdog wrote: post #49
efsavage wrote: post #36

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I overheard two very outgoing co-workers once, where one asked the other if he was having his holiday party. "It was last weekend", he said. "Oh, I didn't get an invite" "That's because you never come" She looked shocked, I think she genuinely didn't know what to say. After an awkward silence she said, "but I liked to be invited" "I'll happily invite you next year if you promise to come" She smiled politely and walke…

It's probably just ego on the one side. That person likes to be invited to feel like they are the more valuable person in the relationship. If I were the other person I would make sure that invitation is never extended.

Oh wow that is foreign to me, but I’m sure you’re right - Collecting invites you never intend to answer just sounds like… I don’t know, some sort of weird social hoarding.

If somebody I don’t want to hang out with keeps inviting me that doesn’t make me feel good about myself, that makes me feel anxious, like I haven’t properly clarified our relationship with them.

> That person likes to be invited to feel like they are the more valuable person in the relationship.

For me, I would expect the opposite - if you get invited all the time but never come, it’s because you’re not actually involved in their life, you’re not actually all that valuable. In order to be valuable you’d have to be making the effort to be present, or at the very least, communicating your availability so the other person would better understand when it’s appropriate to expect you.

Re: Always Invite Anna

#65

Post by dvsfish »

63stack wrote: post #45
BeetleB wrote: post #29

By the time you get to my age, your list of potential Anna's will be in the high dozens. You simply cannot keep this up with all the Anna's. A lot of people genuinely don't want to hang out with you. Likely that number exceeds the "real" Anna's by an order of magnitude. If there's someone I particularly like, I'll keep inviting him. But if the person is otherwise normal (e.g. clearly has a social life), I invite 3-5…

I had the same opinion and I am surprised by the amount of feelgood responses in this thread. Anna needs to realize that the amount of people who have the time and willingness to invite someone out for _years_ while receicing no is very low. These friends need to be treasured and appreciated, and Anna needs to make an effort by saying yes sometimes, or at least expressing what she's going through. The friends are mak…

100% agree. You'd start to think "Anna doesn't like us" and just move on. Despite what they're going through, some level of responsibility falls on them to express a sense of "it's not you it's me", if they legitimately do want to remain part of the friend group. Not engaging with the friend group is effectively the same as not being a part of it. If the "pleasant feeling of being included in the group" is the entirety of your involvement, it's actually a somewhat selfish and shallow position after a while. That's not to say that the group has to ban her, but at a certain point there is no valid reason to engage with someone (in a group context) who doesn't engage back.

If you have friends you think are depressed or have something else going on, by all means reach out, but thats not the same thing.

Re: Always Invite Anna

#66

Post by lynnharry »

BeetleB wrote: post #29

By the time you get to my age, your list of potential Anna's will be in the high dozens. You simply cannot keep this up with all the Anna's. A lot of people genuinely don't want to hang out with you. Likely that number exceeds the "real" Anna's by an order of magnitude. If there's someone I particularly like, I'll keep inviting him. But if the person is otherwise normal (e.g. clearly has a social life), I invite 3-5…

First year in collage is probably a rare case. Everyone is in a new environment and everyone's social group is quite limited. They probably know that they're Anna's only social connnection at the campus so the effort can be worthwhile.

Re: Always Invite Anna

#67

Post by bigstrat2003 »

NuclearPM wrote: post #60
BeetleB wrote: post #29

By the time you get to my age, your list of potential Anna's will be in the high dozens. You simply cannot keep this up with all the Anna's. A lot of people genuinely don't want to hang out with you. Likely that number exceeds the "real" Anna's by an order of magnitude. If there's someone I particularly like, I'll keep inviting him. But if the person is otherwise normal (e.g. clearly has a social life), I invite 3-5…

> To which I'd love to respond with s/any more/ever/ What does that mean?

It's a sed command, which (as the other poster said) replaces the first occurrence of the first string with the second in some document.

Re: Always Invite Anna

#68

Post by habinero »

Shock9889 wrote: post #43

It's a beautiful story, but honestly If Alexei really wanted to help Anna, he could've tried to ease her in their group, for example, by inviting her to a less stressful setting: a library, a friendly coffee date, etc. Anna's behaviour indicates social anxiety grown into general avoidance (speaking from my own experience), and what's described in this story is the worst possible way to help a person with this conditi…

They're 18 year old college kids, cut them some slack.

Re: Always Invite Anna

#69

Post by mac-mc »

mock-possum wrote: post #64
dexterdog wrote: post #49

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's probably just ego on the one side. That person likes to be invited to feel like they are the more valuable person in the relationship. If I were the other person I would make sure that invitation is never extended.

Oh wow that is foreign to me, but I’m sure you’re right - Collecting invites you never intend to answer just sounds like… I don’t know, some sort of weird social hoarding. If somebody I don’t want to hang out with keeps inviting me that doesn’t make me feel good about myself, that makes me feel anxious, like I haven’t properly clarified our relationship with them. > That person likes to be invited to feel like they a…

It is ultimately a form of insecurity.

Re: Always Invite Anna

#70

Post by [deleted] »

majkinetor wrote: post #50

Everybody, who thinks this is OK, should think again - what if Anna genuinely didn't like parties, you at parties, music at parties or whatever else. Re-invating in that case is disrespectful, intrusive and even rude as all interactions need to be feedback controlled. Sure, any generalization will lack the subtle cues of context but its safe to say that this was an exceptional situation rather than representative. Pe…

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