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What does connecting with someone mean?

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Re: What does connecting with someone mean?

#61

Post by op00to »

xelxebar wrote: post #32
nntwozz wrote: post #7

"It means mutual empathy — they get you and you get them. It's discovering similar values, experiences and perspectives. It's a feeling of trust and comfort where you both feel safe to say what is truly on your mind." Ah, sounds all fine and dandy! But what do you do when you discover you don't have similar values? Maybe there's no answer in todays polarized world; personally aspire to this: I don't like that man. I…

> But what do you do when you discover you don't have similar values? Look deeper? Explicitly held beliefs are just a sliver of the tip of the iceberg that constitutes our experience as humans. The US, in particular, seems particularly fond of declarations of identity, so it helps to understand that such things are about as fundamental as the health of your pancreas. IMHO, polarizing reactions, whether in others or y…

I’ve spent the better part of 20 years trying to get through to my Trump loving, racist, hateful father in law using compassion and shared understanding. At some point you need to accept that some people don’t respond to that, and usually it’s the people who lean towards the authoritative that are not receptive.

Re: What does connecting with someone mean?

#62

Post by le-mark »

AnimalMuppet wrote: post #12
al_borland wrote: post #5

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I’m from the US. “How are you,” is indeed a very shallow question that expects a very shallow and prescriptive response. I’ve seen where people answer it honestly, and when they walk away the person asking says something to the effect of, “god, I didn’t need his whole life story.” Experiences like this make me more hesitant to answer honestly. The better you know someone, the more this rule starts to bend, but that d…

When someone says "How are you", I sometimes say "Crummy, but thanks for asking." I'm not oversharing, but I'm also not giving them a shallow, dishonest reply. I'm leaving the door open for a deeper conversation, but I'm not forcing it. Then it's up to them whether we just move on, or whether a real conversation happens.

“I didn’t die in my sleep last night so I’ve got that going for me” dark dry and true.

Re: What does connecting with someone mean?

#63

Post by ChrisMarshallNY »

absoluteunit1 wrote: post #39
ChrisMarshallNY wrote: post #27

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I believe that another quote attributed to Honest Abe, is ”The best way to destroy an enemy, is to make him your friend.” In my own life, I regularly interact (and connect) with folks that are notoriously difficult to deal with. This had significant advantages in my career. The folks in the office —regardless of their proclivities— were amateurs, compared to some of the people I hung with, in my free time.

> This had significant advantages in my career. The folks in the office —regardless of their proclivities— were amateurs, compared to some of the people I hung with, in my free time. Could expand on this? What advantages in your career? Also, what do you mean by: > were amateurs, compared to some of the people I hung with, in my free time. Do you intentionally look to meet people with whom you disagree?

> Do you intentionally look to meet people with whom you disagree?

Sort of. I like to develop good relationships with people that have a hard time getting along with others. I consider it to be a bit of a "challenge," and I like to live a life, where I'm constantly challenging myself. Also, I participate in an organization that is focused on helping people recover from significant life trauma. It's sort of my job.

Part of it, is because I'm "on the spectrum," myself, and come from a childhood fraught with atomic wedgies. I have some empathy for outsiders. I don't come from a "superior position," I have very much been an outlier, for most of my life. I know what it feels like.

It's been my experience that people that are difficult to deal with, come from some kind of personal trauma. I have found that they are often quite open to getting along with folks that are willing to accept the idiosyncrasies that arise from their coping mechanisms.

So if I can accept, and even be close friends with, someone that has spent significant time in Ossining, for violent offenses, having an employee throw a minor tantrum because I said "no," is a cakewalk.

Re: What does connecting with someone mean?

#64

Post by raw_anon_1111 »

anonymars wrote: post #60
JustExAWS wrote: post #56

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Why do I have the feeling you are not a minority, have never been stopped or questioned for being some place you “didn’t belong” or had to tell your six foot 3 step son to make sure that he and his other Black friend (two of five Black guys in the entire school) didn’t walk to the Waffle House to meet their friends after the football game unless their White friend was going with them because they would get harassed b…

The Daryl Davis that was mentioned is a black man who befriended many KKK members and resulted in them giving up their robes https://www.ted.com/talks/daryl_davis_klan_we_talk

You didn’t answer the question - are you a minority?

Do you also think Hispanic people who are here legally should have a chat with a bunch of ICE agents to change their hearts and minds?

If you are White, would you go out of your way to reach out to someone who belongs to a group who actively hates White people? I’m not naming a specific group even though I’m sure they exists because I honestly have no idea what groups they are and I would no more spend energy trying to change their minds either. If anyone in my family said anything that was outright racist or homophobic I would check them also.

My dad (now 83) on the other hand did slightly change his opinion on sexuality when he had to admit that one of his nephews were gay. But even then on a macro level he isn’t going to be waving a Pride flag around and he still thinks being gay is a moral sin that is going to damn a person to hell.

It’s just like a White guy I was friends with for years on a personal level, I had no doubt that if I needed him or if he saw someone harassing me or my family he would take out one of his many guns and defend me.

But once Trump came on the scene and I saw some of his posts on FB, I realized that he treated me as “one of the good ones” and if I was some random guy that he met on the street he would’ve treated me differently. He went on a racist tirade on Facebook about his daughter dating a Black guy for instance.

Re: What does connecting with someone mean?

#65

Post by raw_anon_1111 »

squigz wrote: post #59
JustExAWS wrote: post #58

Earlier quoted context omitted.

At 51, that’s not my responsibility. We have seen that much of rural America have no desire to get out of their Fox News induced bubble. It’s even worse than I thought it was before 2020. When Fox News called the election fairly in 2020 and any other time it veers slightly off the Trump bandwagon, even it is punished by the viewers. It’s just like with religious people (subject change I’m not trying to imply all reli…

I'm sure the 51 year olds in the population you're referring to don't consider themselves absolved of their responsibility (as they see it) Maybe the fact that so many people are so willing to entirely wipe their hands of things and write off half the country as racist idiots is contributing more to the problem than churches.

And I’m sure your insight about how much energy Black people spend on changing hearts and minds comes from your personal experience sitting around the dinner table with your family or when you’re having drinks with your friends?

Re: What does connecting with someone mean?

#66

Post by balfirevic »

inezk wrote: post #3

Great insights. In US people do ask one another "how are you?", perhaps in a shallow way - but I think it's still an opener that can lead to more meaningful conversation. In Poland for instance, where I'm from, people don't ask "how are you?" one another - which slightly limits that opportunity. At the same time Europe as a whole has so much better work life balance which allows for many more outside work friends and…

> In US people do ask one another "how are you?", perhaps in a shallow way

My understanding is that it is not even a question, the question mark at the end is just decoration. Even the shallow answer is not necessary, responding with something like, "Hi, good to see you" would be perfectly valid.

Re: What does connecting with someone mean?

#67

Post by FearNotDaniel »

op00to wrote: post #61
xelxebar wrote: post #32

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> But what do you do when you discover you don't have similar values? Look deeper? Explicitly held beliefs are just a sliver of the tip of the iceberg that constitutes our experience as humans. The US, in particular, seems particularly fond of declarations of identity, so it helps to understand that such things are about as fundamental as the health of your pancreas. IMHO, polarizing reactions, whether in others or y…

I’ve spent the better part of 20 years trying to get through to my Trump loving, racist, hateful father in law using compassion and shared understanding. At some point you need to accept that some people don’t respond to that, and usually it’s the people who lean towards the authoritative that are not receptive.

Your comment is very confusing. The article is about making a connection with someone, the measure of which is that you have achieved a shared understanding. It sounds as if you have managed that. And yet it seems that this is not enough for you and you are expecting to “get through” to him in some other sense, that he will be “receptive” to something more that goes beyond mutual understanding, that he will “respond to that” shared understanding with something that goes beyond personal connection. What is it you are looking for, that would make that connection complete? That he recants all of his views and changes them to be in line with your own? Or is there something else that you expect shared understanding to lead to, rather than being a goal in itself?

Re: What does connecting with someone mean?

#68

Post by em-bee »

JustExAWS wrote: post #56
em-bee wrote: post #44

Earlier quoted context omitted.

we should all aspire to be a little bit like daryl davis. just a bit. i am not going out of my way to seek out people like that, like he did, but when i discover that one of my friends is leaning into that direction, then i look to daryl davis for inspiration.

Why do I have the feeling you are not a minority, have never been stopped or questioned for being some place you “didn’t belong” or had to tell your six foot 3 step son to make sure that he and his other Black friend (two of five Black guys in the entire school) didn’t walk to the Waffle House to meet their friends after the football game unless their White friend was going with them because they would get harassed b…

i didn't say that you should. please reread what i said: i would not go out of my way to find these people, but if one of my friends turned out to be one of them, then i would try to slowly change their mind. using daryl davis as inspiration means that if he can befriend complete strangers to change their mind, then i can make an effort with the friends that i already have. that's all i am suggesting here. and in particular this call goes out to people who are not a minority themselves.

Re: What does connecting with someone mean?

#69

Post by cloverich »

What i want to know more about is "clicking" with people. I traversed social isolation and anxiety in my youth to get pretty decent at small talk and for a while that was all there was it seemed. Then as the environments changed i found i was able to more fully connect and establish friendships with people.

But whats always stood out to me is the people I ended up persisting with, how quickly that small talk phase passed, sometimes it seems like within the first encounter. My most recent developing friendship i distinctly remember it was within the first few words, both my wife and I just knew oh this person fits. I always expect and still believe getting to know someone better can lead to shared understandings, better conversations, friendships. But at the same time, my anectdotal experience has been the people that worked out and persisted, it was obvious within five minutes or less (ie that initial gut feeling never changed).

I guess the social cues or mannerisms or something like that which is perhaps hard to consciously describe but to an expert would be likely obvious, that perhaps reveals far more about you than your words can impart. Im sure its not that complicated but also think if you are forcing the small talk and really struggling to connect, dont be afraid to branch out and look for those clicks.

Re: What does connecting with someone mean?

#70

Post by anonymars »

raw_anon_1111 wrote: post #64
anonymars wrote: post #60

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The Daryl Davis that was mentioned is a black man who befriended many KKK members and resulted in them giving up their robes https://www.ted.com/talks/daryl_davis_klan_we_talk

You didn’t answer the question - are you a minority? Do you also think Hispanic people who are here legally should have a chat with a bunch of ICE agents to change their hearts and minds? If you are White, would you go out of your way to reach out to someone who belongs to a group who actively hates White people? I’m not naming a specific group even though I’m sure they exists because I honestly have no idea what gro…

I'm not the person you were replying to originally, I was providing context for who Daryl Davis is and what he has done

That doesn't mean everyone else has to do the same thing, anymore than save the whales or end world hunger. Only that people aren't immutable and irredeemable and it's not fair to dismiss the idea of connecting with them as inherently ridiculous

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