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The year I didn't survive

bessstillman.substack.com

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Re: The year I didn't survive

#61

Post by tasuki »

wonger_ wrote: post #3

Very sad. In case you didn't open the link yet, this is from the widow of Jake Seliger, who was very active on HN: https://news.ycombinator.com/threads?id=jseliger . He died a few months ago. Grieving while being a new mom must be brutal.

> Grieving while being a new mom must be brutal.

As always, yes and no. I'm a single father, my partner died when our daughter was 1.5 years old. A baby requires constant attention and care, so I didn't quite have the option of falling into some kind of depression and just doing nothing.

That said, I quite miss the abundant free time I used to have in my other life. Nowadays is constant battle about the littlest things. I pour the milk the wrong way and get screamed at for 15 minutes.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#62

Post by sgt »

Odd, I have the Substack app (on my phone). When I click on the link, I'm sent to the Substack app, which subsequently sends me back to the website, which suggests I open the app, then I open the app, and I see the Substack app without the article.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#63

Post by tasuki »

dottjt wrote: post #17

While not quite the same, my partner was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer a few months ago, a few days after my daughter's 1st birthday. I think one thing I worry about is my daughter possibly not growing up with a mother. Like how that will affect her. It's been traumatic for myself personally, but it hasn't been ...I'm still highly functional and I'm still continuing to live life to the fullest.

> I think one thing I worry about is my daughter possibly not growing up with a mother. Like how that will affect her.

Don't worry about that! My daughter lost her mother when she was 1.5 years old. It's important to have a sensible female role model. A grandma or an aunt will do just fine.

Please do take good care of yourself!

Re: The year I didn't survive

#64

Post by genewitch »

schneems wrote: post #24
tombert wrote: post #10

It's weird how a series of big things happening in a short period of time changes who you are as a person, and not always for the better. When I failed to stop an acquaintance from killing himself a few years ago [1], it really fucked me up. I barely knew the guy, but I couldn't stop myself from feeling guilty over it, and I still have nightmares about it. It led to a severe funk of depression that I still haven't go…

I’m sorry you went though that. I had a friend die by suicide. Shortly after I met him for the first time IRL. It messed me up. I’m sure you’ve heard it before but for the gallery, there’s the “in the moment” suicides where the thought comes and people act on it. If anyone feels that way, please call a hotline, it really is just a temporary feeling that will pass. Then there’s the “sick for a long time.” My therapist…

988 in the us in telephones

Re: The year I didn't survive

#65

Post by fendy3002 »

tombert wrote: post #10

It's weird how a series of big things happening in a short period of time changes who you are as a person, and not always for the better. When I failed to stop an acquaintance from killing himself a few years ago [1], it really fucked me up. I barely knew the guy, but I couldn't stop myself from feeling guilty over it, and I still have nightmares about it. It led to a severe funk of depression that I still haven't go…

it's unfortunate, and it's so bad a feeling like that eroding someone just because they're kind or emphatetic.

which is why I feel like I'm slowly becoming assholes because it's hard to have that kind of emphatetic feeling while still being sane in nowadays world. It's kinda sad that to have a healthy mental someone need to be less emphatetic.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#66

Post by zmgsabst »

kelnos wrote: post #60
zmgsabst wrote: post #53

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> What's going to happen if the government cuts off most indirect costs is that we're going to be forced to do research that can be covered by those costs. The whole debate is whether 15% indirect costs is sufficient or whether it needs to be 30%+. Without a doubt universities are bloated and many don’t invest appropriately in their facilities — but where is the appropriate line? Unfortunately, you didn’t add to that…

This thinking is completely backward. If there is an established threshold, and you want to change it, it is on you to do the homework to determine that the lower threshold will be sufficient and won't cause harm. It's not the responsibility of the people currently doing research (the way they've done so for years) to justify the current threshold.

The executive in charge of the grant-giving agencies changed policy — after looking at rates from other grants, which fell in the 10-15% range.

If you want the public to believe that was wrong, you’ll need to make that case.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#67

Post by Magi604 »

tw19disaster wrote: post #36

Throwaway account. I'm fairly open about this, but don't really want it associated for all time with me. About a year after my marriage split up I went to the marriage of someone close to me. During the ceremony I had severe chest pains and was pretty sure I was having a heart attack. I didn't want to disturb the ceremony (they were exchanging rings!) so I figured I'd wait 5 minutes then get up and call an ambulance.…

Possibly takotsubo, "Broken Heart Syndrome"?

https://www.health.harvard.edu/heart-health/takotsubo-cardio...

Being at a wedding might trigger a strong physical reaction from your breakup.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#68

Post by jajko »

throwcatowayne wrote: post #30
justforaoneoff wrote: post #23

Earlier quoted context omitted.

COVID coincided with my daughter being born, my parents dying unexpectedly and my partner having complete mental breakdown all while I was working a very stressful job with long hours and high stakes. Years have passed and I still feel like the battered husk of the person I was. I have good days and bad days but I'm slowly coming to accept I won't ever feel the confidence, the capability or the boundless reserves of…

Jeez, this resonates with me so much. In 2019 I was constantly on the upswing. But in 2020, it's been an intensely downward spiral since. I was under so much stress from a 60hr/wk job, isolated during covid with a partner who turned physically abusive and having constant mental breakdowns, on top of trying to endure it all for a once in a lifetime housing opportunity, and then both of my parents ended up hospitalized…

Sorry to hear that, really sorry.

One thing I dont get with similar stories - you felt things are seemingly going to shit in relationship yet no reaction, no quitting but maybe even double down? Abusive people will be abusive with no easy fix in sight, sucking it up for some real estate opportunity is a sure recipe for disaster and misery and no money gained will ever compensate for that. Thats one of 101 of life, there shouldnt be a need to really walk through it to confirm this. Kids do complicate this massively but you dont mention them.

Same for work it seems, working on edge of what you can handle means any little bad thing happening on top can send you over and down the spiral of breakdown.

I dont want to bash anybody and its more for others who will one day experience similar things - listen to your body, its telling you tons of things, and not for just fun. Its your best buddy so dont neglect it, there is no replacement and it really gets weaker with age, sooner than you would like.

I see a lot of high performers ending up similarly - very narrow focus on one brilliance ie work, but deep neglect of the rest. Never a nice story at the end. Nobody will be happy when dying from how much they worked or which investments worked out. If one really has to, set clear short term goals for when to stop it and have a bit of discipline (ie dont get used to better lifestyle that more money brings requiring you to continue).

Re: The year I didn't survive

#69

Post by Trollmann »

tasuki wrote: post #61
wonger_ wrote: post #3

Very sad. In case you didn't open the link yet, this is from the widow of Jake Seliger, who was very active on HN: https://news.ycombinator.com/threads?id=jseliger . He died a few months ago. Grieving while being a new mom must be brutal.

> Grieving while being a new mom must be brutal. As always, yes and no. I'm a single father, my partner died when our daughter was 1.5 years old. A baby requires constant attention and care, so I didn't quite have the option of falling into some kind of depression and just doing nothing. That said, I quite miss the abundant free time I used to have in my other life. Nowadays is constant battle about the littlest thin…

> I didn't quite have the option of falling into some kind of depression and just doing nothing

Don't know if this was your intention but this comes across as if having a depression was a choice, which it rarely is with any kind of illness.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#70

Post by MarkMarine »

lux wrote: post #58

Sisyphean is the word I’ve come back to a lot myself since my wife took her life on November 6, 2024. Feeling like I’m now trying to live for both of us, grasping at ways of honouring her memory despite the incredible love we had being unable to “save” her, and somehow not at all myself anymore, but having to keep moving forward feels hopeless beyond belief. I lost my dad suddenly just two months prior, and my grandm…

Brother, I can't say anything that will make it better, but all I can offer is what gets me through grief that I've been living with for 20 years: They wouldn't want me to carry it like this. They always wanted the best for me, and walking around like a husk, missing them isn't it.

I hope it gets better for you. It has for me.

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