I support the goals of the article and I understand that social interaction doesn't come natural to all people, but if someone would lean in an nod to me like described in the second part I would freak out because that feels like sociopathic behavior.
Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)
61–70 of 144 posts
Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)
#62I am going to be downvoted to hell for this, but... After reading halfway through the article, I had to check the gender of the author. Because, I feel, this is a rather female POV. A lot of what she says feels touchy-feely to me and doesnt resonate with me at all. Maybe because I am way more inerested in the topic of the meeting then the personal feelings and emotions of the participants. To the point where I might…
Nope, you are spot on. I too noticed pretty quickly that this must be female POV. You can generally tell even just by the word choices ("spidey senses" American women seem to love that phrase for some reason, "super ", "awry", "weird vibes", ...) Another instant give-away was "now we've got a compounding situation" - quite a feminine phrasing. Not judging, I mean it sounds almost cute even. Finally, her idea of "faci…
"Weird vibes" is what finally made me check the author name ... I don't even know what "spidey sense" should mean.
Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)
#63Earlier quoted context omitted.
Nope, you are spot on. I too noticed pretty quickly that this must be female POV. You can generally tell even just by the word choices ("spidey senses" American women seem to love that phrase for some reason, "super ", "awry", "weird vibes", ...) Another instant give-away was "now we've got a compounding situation" - quite a feminine phrasing. Not judging, I mean it sounds almost cute even. Finally, her idea of "faci…
"Weird vibes" is what finally made me check the author name ... I don't even know what "spidey sense" should mean.
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Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)
#64Earlier quoted context omitted.
Nope, you are spot on. I too noticed pretty quickly that this must be female POV. You can generally tell even just by the word choices ("spidey senses" American women seem to love that phrase for some reason, "super ", "awry", "weird vibes", ...) Another instant give-away was "now we've got a compounding situation" - quite a feminine phrasing. Not judging, I mean it sounds almost cute even. Finally, her idea of "faci…
Your comment makes me question my masculinity. I would say the desire to communicate and the feelings expressed were feminine. Noee of the phrases you mentioned did I see as clues to gender.
To be clear I didn't say men never use any of these words individually (except for "spidey senses" I suppose).
Just that their frequent and combined usage in this particular article made me almost hear her voice in my head, including the female cadence and intonation...
Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)
#65Earlier quoted context omitted.
At a former company we once had an away day workshop where they allowed anonymous questions for the company director which would show up on a screen for everyone (it was a ~40-50 person company). We were a management consultancy and trialling what they thought was cool new tech to use with other companies. ( This was a while ago, smart phones were newer and apps were still "cool" ) Well, they very quickly learned to…
Ooh, some lifetimes ago at a company we had a CEO that did a company wide presentation where he kept mentioning that the shareholders are the most important thing of the entire company and we all should do everything to please the shareholders. The instant hate towards him could almost be touched and tasted.
It is both inspiring and depressing that intelligence is not a prerequisite for high up roles.
Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)
#66i prefer to be a cat. if that makes sense.
Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)
#67Earlier quoted context omitted.
What is emotional labour?
Think of it like the difference between idly leafing through a book, versus studying a textbook as if your life depended on it - one is an inconsequential pastime, the other is an exhausting task made all the more stressful by its importance. Emotional labor is dealing with other people’s emotions, not in the first sense described in the paragraph above, but in the second - paying close attention, thinking critically…
I read the blog, and the situations given - which are common in most workplaces - wouldn't lead me to compare them to a life or death situation in any way.
I also can't imagine thinking that concentrating on someone's speech while in conversation with them as taxing, beyond the normal difficulties that attempting concentration can bring.
Perhaps I'm missing something. The only time I could think of such things as laborious would be when faced with intransigence or my own frustration, and that's really about not getting my own way.
Isn't it normal to try to have good, productive conversations, pay attention to others, and give support where needed?
Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)
#68Earlier quoted context omitted.
What is emotional labour?
The effort someone chooses to put in to manage and help the emotions of others. It ranges from listening to someone talk about their day to driving over at night to a friend who's upset, to organizing an entire intervention. It is often considered to fall more heavily on women. Notably, as work that often doesn't fully get redistributed when women enter the workforce, much like housekeeping often doesn't.
Some emotions are tiring - anger, frustration, depression, anguish, to name a few.
I can't think of any that involve supporting a colleague at work. I could certainly get tired of shenanigans at work, but that would be from frustration et al, but support?
Like the other comment that's responded, I just don't see the link between the description for the term and the situations in either the blog or a workplace.
I've certainly not noticed a difference in the level of emotional support given in the workplace by women either. Whose emotions are they managing? Men's?
Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)
#69> You’re being a thermometer. When they’re subtly giving off weird vibes—they’re frowning, answering your questions with fewer words than normal, etc.—you’ve noticed that their temperature is different. And if you are doing this as a coping mechanism from having an unstable parent and you are like me (also maybe a bit of adhd): you internalize the person's chilled behavior and often assume it is your fault. In case y…
> You are not responsible for other's emotions (though you are responsible for your actions)
I know you do not mean it this way, but I really dislike this saying. It is not even true, actually.
The most frequent use of this is people who are being, well, jerks, trying to argue that when people feel bad after being put down, insulted or treated with passive aggression, it is their own fault.
If people feel bad after your actions, yes in many circumstances you are responsible.
Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)
#70Earlier quoted context omitted.
I didn't say suppress or fake your emotions, I said to rationalize them. If they are irrational you prevent the emotional knee-jerk response in the first place. If they are rational then you know the root cause to work through so you can fix the issue. For those rational emotional responses, recognizing the stimuli can still be helpful. It's still stressing, but you know the exact problem and can work to resolve it,…
I don’t believe in this theory and my experience with therapy suggests it just makes little sense. Emotional outbursts (like being startled/angered/in pain) may be temporarily irrational your own logic-wise, but your regular emotional background absolutely reflects what you actually believe is happening and the way you think. So unless you’re doing emotional logging and are really managing your beliefs, deep settings…
> Emotional outbursts (like being startled/angered/in pain) may be temporarily irrational your own logic-wise, but your regular emotional background absolutely reflects what you actually believe is happening and the way you think.
Yes your emotional background reflects what you believe is happening, but you can correct your belief if you analyze and rationalize the emotional response when you feel it, which then updates your emotional background.
> So unless you’re doing emotional logging and are really managing your beliefs, deep settings, etc afterwards, this is simply impossible.
That's exactly what I'm suggesting you do.
Upon receiving every major emotional reaction you make it a habit to analyze it immediately afterwards.