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Why don’t more people live close to friends?

annehelen.substack.com

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Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#61

Post by switchbak »

bradlys wrote: post #22
nonethewiser wrote: post #15

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Do you find yourself not having much in common with your neighbors, not liking them, etc? A large part of friendship is some circumstance that puts you in the same time and place (school, work, sports, etc.). There must be some pretty big barrier if you can’t make friends with most of your neighbors.

I don't know my current neighbors at all (I live in an apartment building with 150+ units) and I'm fine with that. However, when I was in a house... I met some. They were often the worst kind of people. The most NIMBY neolib white-flight our-neighborhood-is-going-to-hell 60+ year old assholes you could imagine. The one we thought was nice apparently would beat one of his kids and make him sleep outside the house. Tha…

Damn, maybe you live in a crappy town?

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#62

Post by neom »

moralestapia wrote: post #29
neom wrote: post #20

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"You're not uncool. Making friends as an adult is just hard" - https://www.wbur.org/hereandnow/2021/11/10/making-friends-ad...

Hey, we sort of became friends last month :D

We are friends, friend! :)

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#63

Post by TobyTheDog123 »

It's a shame that the whole "walkable city" concept has become a bit of a meme in the US - it truly should be a thing that we all strive to create - to nurture in-person relationships through the physical design of the space.

>I’m not talking about crime, don’t be ridiculous.

While gender-affirming care and bodily autonomy is (obviously) a critical point, I am very much also talking about factoring in crime. There is no way I'd live in SFO/LA/NYC/SEA.

When we talk about limited mobility, we have to talk about places where that kind of physical interaction has undue risk attached.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#64

Post by toomuchtodo »

david-gpu wrote: post #46
nine_k wrote: post #18

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'd say "a dozen or two" is a very high number. Enjoy and value your luck!

Presumably this person has prioritized their social life over the years. Having friends isn't a random accident.

If you’re not intentional in cultivating relationships, they don’t last. Find good people and hold on to them.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#65

Post by throwaway22032 »

"The fetishization of the nuclear family" mentioned in this article feels unnecessarily provocative, as if the author isn't well socialized (perhaps overly associating with minority subcultures that don't recognize traditional norms?)

The basic premise of the article is fine, living within a reasonable distance of friends makes a lot of sense, but some parts of it are extreme. Most people wouldn't buy a house with a friend because they have a wife, husband or significant other with whom they either currently live, or are working towards living with.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#67

Post by dopidopHN »

zamnos wrote: post #37
naremu wrote: post #25

I've been wondering how related these feelings of distance and isolation in the middle of society are to how the area is designed. I had always known for a long time the "why" I didn't want to go out on weekends and such, but it wasn't until I watched some of those videos from "Not Just Bikes" that it really, really struck me. I literally dread finding parking more than I enjoy finding friends. And suburban (and fran…

This is a bit of an unconventional POV, but I don't consider large areas of suburban sprawl to be cities but just really big towns. This covers Houston, swaths of Atlanta, lots of Southern California. There are lots of people living there compared to rural areas, to be sure, but without the density to support usable public transportation (once-an-hour buses don't count), it's really not a city at all. It's endless su…

I don’t think it’s unconventional, it’s just a definition of suburbs.

Worse of both world in my book. Unless you want to raise your kid in isolation.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#69

Post by com2kid »

moralestapia wrote: post #11
no_wizard wrote: post #2

A somewhat modern feeling I have is also that it’s hard to make close friends as an adult. There’s less willingness to interact with strangers or even the possible idea of having a good interaction with someone that’s a stranger. I think that would also help alleviate the problem significantly is if we were able to meet people in safe spaces somewhat randomly without people feeling like it’s an affront or something

The paradox is that LOTs of people feel this way (me included), and lots of them would be willing to put some real effort into developing new friendships. Yet it still doesn't happen. Now, what could be behind that? (Not rhetorical, genuinely interested)

I spent a few years running a startup that was tackling this very issue. Sadly getting $ for "solving social isolation in America's cities" was hard to do, but I am still confident that the approach the company was taking would have worked for at least a double digit % of people.

tl;dr friendship is formed when there is alignment of values/personality (but not in the way people always expect), and also when a lot of time it put in.

The time thing is powers of 10. IIRC, 10 hours to get to know someone as an acquittance, 100 hours is a casual friend, 1000 hours is a good friend, and 10,000 hours is a lifelong friend you can really depend on.

The way to fast track this process is to create a shared feeling of oppression. Military boot camps rely on this technique to rapidly form group bonds. It is the same idea behind quite a few team building outings as well. It is also why college dormmates can form long lasting relationships, lots of time spent together during a period of high stress.

Same goes for people working at high pressure startups together.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#70

Post by lotsofpulp »

marcell wrote: post #50
moralestapia wrote: post #11

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The paradox is that LOTs of people feel this way (me included), and lots of them would be willing to put some real effort into developing new friendships. Yet it still doesn't happen. Now, what could be behind that? (Not rhetorical, genuinely interested)

"Friendship" doesn't happen in a vacuum. You need dependence and value exchange between two "friends." Technology has replaced most of our needs and dependence on other people, with great economic benefit. The downside is it eliminates the need for other humans, and consequently removes the potential for fulfilling relationships. Just two example out of millions: Uber reduces the need to have friends drive you to the…

This comment puts into words what I feel. For example, my parents generation immigrated to the US, and are very close as a diaspora/tribe. They can go to any city and visit a friend of a friend’s house and be considered friends themselves. But they all went through the same immigrant struggle of establishing themselves in a foreign nation, relying on their network to be able to vacation and travel since they did not have enough money to stay in hotels or eat out or fly.

However, ALL the kids of that generation have none of that connection to each other. We would feel like we are imposing if we called a cousin’s friend in a different city to hang out or stay over. We prefer to stay in nice hotels, and fly to exotic destinations. And I don’t think we can re-create the type of relationships our parents had with their extended tribe, no matter what, since we are all very independent.

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