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Ask HN: What's your approach to raising kids?

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Re: Ask HN: What's your approach to raising kids?

#61

Post by watwut »

> Did you keep your kids away from technology (like watching TV) for the first couple of years or just go for it?

I did not allowed them to watch TV/cartoons. When I eventually shown them some cartoons, their games became more warried and more interesting. It likely had zero impact in the long term, but it did artificially limited their imagination at the start. It was at the age when they did not liked me to read them yet, before age of three.

I dont regret not showing them cartoons before, but I would not bothered to limit it again either. Just one of those things that I know think did not mattered at all. Its only impact was that I concluded that "your kid will have better imagination without that" talking point is nonsense.

Re: Ask HN: What's your approach to raising kids?

#62

Post by viraptor »

The best thing I learned from a lot of kids in the friends group is that all kids are different, do things in different ways, and develop at different rate, so... just go with the flow. Most things are ok if they work for both kids and parents. What I learned from a group of doctor friends is that a lot of bad stuff comes from parents trying too hard. (like if you keep waking up while cosleeping maybe the problem itself is that you're trying to cosleep with a 1yo)

I've also learned to pretty much ignore books that aren't based on large enough numbers. There's so many "here's how to deal with kids written by someone with experience with their 3 kids" which just doesn't generalise.

TV as such, we're avoiding as a family anyway. But if the kid is sick and nothing helps... A tablet with Octonauts can save the day.

Re: Ask HN: What's your approach to raising kids?

#63

Post by theshrike79 »

-- Boredom

As a father my main job is to make sure my children are bored out of their minds as often as possible. That's where innovation and the ability to figure out how to cope with boredom by themselves comes from. There are actual studies about this [0][1][2]

They do have the tools to make boredom go away, Legos, art supplies, different building blocks and in a pinch, books. No passive consumption devices.

We can go on a 1-2 hour car drive without any devices and nobody is bored, we may listen to a podcast/audiobook together, but it's not a requirement. Now my kid can easily forget their phone at home and not be stressed at all. Does better at it than their parents :D

[0] https://www.sciencealert.com/technology-is-saving-you-from-p... [1] https://www.forbes.com/sites/forbescoachescouncil/2020/07/15... [2] https://www.bbc.com/culture/article/20200522-how-boredom-can...

-- Technology

I got my kid an iPad as soon as they could interact with it. There are some baby-level apps that mostly just make sounds and nice colors when you slap the screen.

The goal is to get to a point where they are comfortable with tech, but not addicted to it. You should be able to take the tablet away at any point without a tantrum, with an explanation or alternative task of course.

We use the iOS integrated Screen Time heavily and asking for more screen time is a routine now. The limits are pretty low and they know how to ration screen time when needed. (No Pokémon from Netflix in the morning, because they want to watch it longer after school).

X minutes of reading always gives 2X of screen time (at the moment, ratio may change without notice).

-- Misc

Just be there, that's the biggest bit. Make sure the kids know they can always talk to you about anything without judgement or ridicule. If you build that trust when they're young, it's still there when they're teenagers and _really_ need it.

I've had a "night-time chat" with my kid since they could form words and a decade later it's still a routine they love (and ask for specifically). And it's the place where they feel safe to vent about stuff that's bothering them at school or otherwise or ask highly philosophical questions that I struggle to give answers to :)

Lots of different experiences is good too, the child doesn't know what they like so giving them the chance to try a bunch of different things helps them find their own niche.

Re: Ask HN: What's your approach to raising kids?

#64

Post by lm28469 »

thiago_fm wrote: post #55
throw_pm23 wrote: post #32

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Agreeing with all that you say, except the claim that preventing technology is BS. If a tablet or smartphone is available it is almost always what kids will choose, if you don't make it available, they can do and learn better things. Sure, you cannot prevent it forever, but that's not the goal, just to postpone it until they are well-equipped to handle it. The same really with alcohol or smoking. You cannot prevent y…

Is that so? So a kid will always prefer to use a tablet than visit their fun friends or do something exciting? They likely use it because they are bored, just like adults are. We're all humans in the end. Just let them use it, but if they use too much, you need to give a good example of what would be an alternative, also what are their responsibilities. If they are getting good grades and keep their room organized, w…

> So a kid will always prefer to use a tablet than visit their fun friends or do something exciting?

Would a nomad from 2000 years ago prefer your jar of honey or roaming for 3 hours to find a few berries and a squirrel ?

You should look at "formative years", how habits are formed and picked by young kids, &c. they are sponges, much more than adults are

Re: Ask HN: What's your approach to raising kids?

#65

Post by mikebos »

thiago_fm wrote: post #4

All those "school of thought" are just trends. Good parenthood is about being present and giving them attention, helping them understand the world and so on. Preventing them to completely use technology is BS. Let them use them, but going back to what I've said before, you need to be present in their lives. This means if they are spending too much time with it, it's up to you to enforce limits. But don't be a rude or…

The only thing I can add, life is not a race. Nobody want's to be the first at the finishing line. So encourage them not only to do serious stuff but also fun stuff. And don't take the serious stuff too serious, they will get there in their own time.

Re: Ask HN: What's your approach to raising kids?

#66

Post by orwin »

You can't make a good kid. And you will fail at parenting. The technique is to fail slowly and get better.

But I have great parents and used to be an educator, so here are my tips:

listen, aknowledge, and explain why not. If you are good at making stuff up on the fly, you will avoid public crisis. Else you will get shamed, but you don't have to care.

Be yourself, and be one model for the kid. That means a bit of hiding disagreements. And teaming up with your SO against your children.

Do stuff with them, while leaving them alone (I'm an OK educator, kayakist and woodworker thanks to my dad, and know a lot about hospitals teaching and nursing thanks to my mom, still I am a SWE most of the time.). Like I said, you will fail.

Support them when they fuck up. Being there is often enough. Good luck.

And do not hesitate to make stuff up. I've visited a dozen tombs, saved an island and got rid of a pirate between the ages of 6 and 14, and nobody can make me think otherwise.

Re: Ask HN: What's your approach to raising kids?

#67

Post by devnull3 »

I would say do not lose sight of the big picture. The topmost responsibility of parents is: To prepare them for adult-hood.

The following cross-cuts anything the child decides to do in future:

1. Being mentally tough

    * Dealing with success & failures
    
    * Dealing with conflicts
2. Money

    * Importance of money & saving

    * Importance of investing
3. Communication skills

    * Focus on effectiveness of communication

    * Importance & ability to sell
Edit: Its fine that as a parent you might not be well versed with all of the above. I am certainly not. Learn along with them. I make my deficiency in certain things e.g ability to sell as example to my kids to not to become like me.

Edit2:

If you have male child:

   * Teach them how to be respectful towards women
If you have girl child:

   * Teach them to be financially independent
To both:

   * Teach them that beauty is not permanent. It has short shelf-life and it quickly loses its utility after ~35. All that remains in later age is personality.

Re: Ask HN: What's your approach to raising kids?

#68

Post by vikaveri »

thiago_fm wrote: post #55
throw_pm23 wrote: post #32

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Agreeing with all that you say, except the claim that preventing technology is BS. If a tablet or smartphone is available it is almost always what kids will choose, if you don't make it available, they can do and learn better things. Sure, you cannot prevent it forever, but that's not the goal, just to postpone it until they are well-equipped to handle it. The same really with alcohol or smoking. You cannot prevent y…

Is that so? So a kid will always prefer to use a tablet than visit their fun friends or do something exciting? They likely use it because they are bored, just like adults are. We're all humans in the end. Just let them use it, but if they use too much, you need to give a good example of what would be an alternative, also what are their responsibilities. If they are getting good grades and keep their room organized, w…

> They likely use it because they are bored, just like adults are.

Apps are designed to keep you engaged and kids, just like adults, need time to get bored. Being bored and having nothing to do is when imagination and creativity grows

Re: Ask HN: What's your approach to raising kids?

#69

Post by oaktrout »

thiago_fm wrote: post #55
throw_pm23 wrote: post #32

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Agreeing with all that you say, except the claim that preventing technology is BS. If a tablet or smartphone is available it is almost always what kids will choose, if you don't make it available, they can do and learn better things. Sure, you cannot prevent it forever, but that's not the goal, just to postpone it until they are well-equipped to handle it. The same really with alcohol or smoking. You cannot prevent y…

Is that so? So a kid will always prefer to use a tablet than visit their fun friends or do something exciting? They likely use it because they are bored, just like adults are. We're all humans in the end. Just let them use it, but if they use too much, you need to give a good example of what would be an alternative, also what are their responsibilities. If they are getting good grades and keep their room organized, w…

Lol at not letting them use a tablet as much as they want being abuse. Maybe their room is clean and their grades are good but they aren't developing social skills because the tablet is their only hobby.

IMO, part of parenting is making choices for kids because their brains aren't developed enough to understand the consequences. As a 7 year old, I want cake now, I don't care that I will be obese later.

Re: Ask HN: What's your approach to raising kids?

#70

Post by oaktrout »

devnull3 wrote: post #67

I would say do not lose sight of the big picture. The topmost responsibility of parents is: To prepare them for adult-hood. The following cross-cuts anything the child decides to do in future: 1. Being mentally tough * Dealing with success & failures * Dealing with conflicts 2. Money * Importance of money & saving * Importance of investing 3. Communication skills * Focus on effectiveness of communication * Importance…

I agree especially with #1. You can see the children that were never told no and never challenged. They fail spectacularly when mom and dad aren't their to hold their hand in the real world.
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