I wish we weren't culturally in a place where a layoff is treated like the death of a family member. We need to stop tying our identities (and basic healthcare) to our job. Getting fired from Amazon should really be a reason for celebration.
What not to say to someone who has just been laid off
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Re: What not to say to someone who has just been laid off
#62I went into this expecting not to like the article, but I liked it.
I personally was just laid off, and I think I'm in a unusual situation of resenting sympathy - I was already looking for a new job and I was sick of the company. The perfect response to me would be a sardonic "Well I'm sorry for their loss."
But the articles advises first asking how the other person is feeling - and that is spot on, even for my situation.
Re: What not to say to someone who has just been laid off
#63My father passed away in April of '21 just as the vaccines were coming out and everyone was getting them. He was an otherwise healthy guy who just died suddenly of a heart attack.' The worst thing was when people would say "Did he get the vaccine?". That still makes me furious to this day. Do not politicize my father's death. Please. He's not a pawn for your agenda. The quickest way to trivialize a person's life is t…
I'm sorry to hear about that. When my mother died lots of people took it as an opportunity to support some idea or opinion they had, religious, political or social, it was awful.
Re: What not to say to someone who has just been laid off
#64Engineers instinctively want to solve problems. You can't solve this problem. They're going to feel awful for a while. "Hey, you'll find another job!" or "Hey, in 6 months you'll be over it!" or mentioning Kubler-Ross are the wrong "solutions." And definitely anything about you is the wrong solution. "I'm really sorry" sounds like boilerplate, but that's a good opening. And also a good closing.
improving my relationship with my wife has roughly been figuring out "is she venting/complaining or looking for a solution", and for myself, asking the same thing.
My wife and I use the phrase “it’s not about the nail”[0] as an in-joke/shorthand for communicating this.
Re: What not to say to someone who has just been laid off
#65I'll mention one more thing which helps: Concrete offers of help. Depending on the circumstances, those can be practical (e.g. cooking and bringing food, covering part of funeral expenses/logistics) or supportive (e.g. making yourself available to talk through things or just be there for someone). A vague offer of help, many people will never make use of. "If there's anything I can do..." often doesn't quite signal "…
After a recent devastating family tragedy, a friend reached out and said "we are paying a lawn service to mow for you." It was unexpected, related to something I had posted about trying to fix our riding lawnmower, and honestly took a huge chore off of our plate at a time when we needed to focus on family. I've appreciated so many things people have done for us, from just a message, card, shoulder to cry on, or visit…
> we are paying a lawn service to mow for you.
That would rub me the wrong way if I hadn't asked for it. I am just the sort of person who does not want pity or charity. If I want help, I'll ask for it or do the hiring, thanks.
In particular, mowing the lawn is one of my "escapes" where I can kind of zone out doing something that is routine and mindless for a little while. It's almost like meditation. Shoveling snow off of the driveway in the winter is another one.
So I would say, ask the person first. "I'd like to take care of the lawn for you if that would be helpful" rather than just doing it.
Re: What not to say to someone who has just been laid off
#66Why is being laid off being compared to the grief related to the death of a parent? Why would there be any grief from a layoff? It’s just a job. Anyone in mourning because they have to job hunt probably has some bigger issues that aren’t going to be helped in any way by what friends do or do not say.
I think this is a fair question. Let me share:
As somebody who's been laid off and fired before, I think the hardest part is not always the money (though it can be), but loss of control.
People say the same thing about having their house broken into, they don't care about material loss, it's the sense of violation and not being safe in their homes that may persist for years that far outweighs money.
So the hard part can be, especially the first time when you don't expect it at all, suddenly having the routine of your daily life ripped away. All the projects, the mentoring, the presentations you were planning, all the coworkers you talked to daily, all gone in a snap.
If you're taken by surprise (which can happen a lot actually, since a lot of people in tech are incredibly awful at giving negative feedback directly and clearly) then you may for years get uncomfortable about any Friday meeting on your calendar from a manager. Or you may have trouble making yourself work at all when a pending layoff is announced.
But in a way it makes you stronger, more able to separate your identity and self-worth from your work.
Re: What not to say to someone who has just been laid off
#67I'll mention one more thing which helps: Concrete offers of help. Depending on the circumstances, those can be practical (e.g. cooking and bringing food, covering part of funeral expenses/logistics) or supportive (e.g. making yourself available to talk through things or just be there for someone). A vague offer of help, many people will never make use of. "If there's anything I can do..." often doesn't quite signal "…
After a recent devastating family tragedy, a friend reached out and said "we are paying a lawn service to mow for you." It was unexpected, related to something I had posted about trying to fix our riding lawnmower, and honestly took a huge chore off of our plate at a time when we needed to focus on family. I've appreciated so many things people have done for us, from just a message, card, shoulder to cry on, or visit…
One thing I learned when my son was born is eating well is really tough to do when your mind is somewhere else.
Mealtrains -- friend sourced meal prep -- are popular for people with newborns, but I've taken to dropping off meals (or sending GrubHub gift cards for friends who live out of town) to friends when I know they're going through a tough time.
Re: What not to say to someone who has just been laid off
#68I'll mention one more thing which helps: Concrete offers of help. Depending on the circumstances, those can be practical (e.g. cooking and bringing food, covering part of funeral expenses/logistics) or supportive (e.g. making yourself available to talk through things or just be there for someone). A vague offer of help, many people will never make use of. "If there's anything I can do..." often doesn't quite signal "…
Indeed, I'm finding that a lot of people find a phone call scary or threatening, and are much more comfortable with a text message, or even an audio message. At the same time, a dinner offer should be great for someone close enough, but in remote work that is more rare to happen. Writing a recommendation on LinkedIn, to me, seems like the most actionable thing one can do in such cases.
When my son was born, my friends without kids would bring food by and want to hang out, while my friends with kids would just text us after they left food on our doorstep.
Re: What not to say to someone who has just been laid off
#69Re: What not to say to someone who has just been laid off
#70Earlier quoted context omitted.
After a recent devastating family tragedy, a friend reached out and said "we are paying a lawn service to mow for you." It was unexpected, related to something I had posted about trying to fix our riding lawnmower, and honestly took a huge chore off of our plate at a time when we needed to focus on family. I've appreciated so many things people have done for us, from just a message, card, shoulder to cry on, or visit…
> we are paying a lawn service to mow for you. That would rub me the wrong way if I hadn't asked for it. I am just the sort of person who does not want pity or charity. If I want help, I'll ask for it or do the hiring, thanks. In particular, mowing the lawn is one of my "escapes" where I can kind of zone out doing something that is routine and mindless for a little while. It's almost like meditation. Shoveling snow o…
To each their own. Remember that the other person might not know it's your escape. And even then, if it's for a short time, does it really matter that much? Not like it's a lifetime subscription to lawn mowing services.