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When my wife developed Alzheimer’s, the story of our marriage kept us connected

thewalrus.ca

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Re: When my wife developed Alzheimer’s, the story of our marriage kept us connected

#61

Post by ncmncm »

This may be a good place to mention that a huge study [0] conducted over 6 years with tens of thousands of US Veterans Administration patients found that having a recent Tdap vaccination predicted a 40% lower incidence of dementia. This was confirmed with an independent cohort.

You hardly need any reason to go get your Tdap booster. Any faint possibility that it might stave off dementia ought to be enough by itself. Get your shingles vaccine, too, while you're there. And, get prescribed some valacyclovir: studies in Asia have shown that had a desirable effect, with no risk.

[0] doi:10.1093/gerona/glab115, https://sci-hub.se/10.1093/gerona/glab115

Re: When my wife developed Alzheimer’s, the story of our marriage kept us connected

#62

Post by aantix »

aantix wrote: post #9
xwdv wrote: post #2

Having such a marriage in this day and age is truly a luxury, reserved only for the deepest of lovers.

Deep love is practiced, not an accident. I've found that when I'm honest about my feelings, even the messy ones, honest about my thoughts, even if they don't paint me in a good light, my spouse hears me and eventually, accepts me. And it makes me fall in love all over again. It frees up my consciousness. I don't have to do the mental dance of "oh, you can say this, but don't say that. Say it this way, not that way. D…

“When a person realizes they have been deeply heard, their eyes moisten. I think in some real sense they are weeping for joy. It is as though they were saying, "Thank God, somebody heard me. Someone knows what it's like to be me.”

― Carl R. Rogers

Re: When my wife developed Alzheimer’s, the story of our marriage kept us connected

#63

Post by wnolens »

S_A_P wrote: post #17
srvmshr wrote: post #5

> It’s hard to accept the possibility that Judy may have completely forgotten about me, but a lifetime of living with disability has shown me how delicate human bodies and minds can be, how little it can take to dramatically, traumatically alter—or end—lives. Two rogue bones in my neck. Plaque on my beloved’s brain. Great love stories begin with such heady promise and end with such sadness and grief—but, at least in…

True love is something that takes work. Sure some people mesh better than others, and if you picked your mate mostly on aesthetics you may realize that having someone you like to look at is not the way to sustain a multi decade relationship. I think when it comes to a partner, you have to just decide that you are always willing to meet them where they are. Its not always where you want them to be either. The flipside…

> you have to just decide that you are always willing to meet them where they are. Its not always where you want them to be

Wise, thanks. That very concisely captures what I've been coming around to understanding about having relationships with anyone. I've had it easy with best friends that were so similar (because we grew up together), but life is long(ish) and people change and grow apart. Even if you have a a relationship that is on easy-mode, it will change for a sufficiently long time-horizon (marriage).

Re: When my wife developed Alzheimer’s, the story of our marriage kept us connected

#64

Post by Shamii »

My grandpa had dementia due to his age.

When I visited him for the last time he knew who I was.

But he clearly repeated very similar behavior patterns.

He also showed clear signs of not remembering 'state'. Like time or location.

It was very hard for me because that gave me the feeling that he as a person was gone.

I cried after that for a while and it was basically me saying good bye .

My sister didn't see it like that. She didn't mind doing a sleepover and having her daughter with her. My mother also glanced over that. My other sister agreed on my thoughts.

I liked that she didn't see it like that and spend time with him but I could not do that.

Of course I might be wrong. I don't assume I know how he thought but what else to assume?

I don't think I could do that if my wife started to show similar pattern.

Re: When my wife developed Alzheimer’s, the story of our marriage kept us connected

#65

Post by nefitty »

gernb wrote: post #59
nefitty wrote: post #31

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I love my wife a lot. She's like my shadow, evidence that the sun is in the sky. If she got really sick I would stay with her and care for her. A huge chunk of that is because I'm attached to her, the little human pattern that the universe mumbles out. The other mind that looks at me and convinces me I actually exist. I personally think it's irresponsible to set up these weird transcendental expectations. If anyone r…

My 1st girlfriend's mom told me "never marry someone you can't fart in front of". My sister easily farts (and laughs) in front of her husband. In fact for Christmas he was given a plaque that says "I didn't fart, my ass blew you a kiss"

Hahaha that's the true love they don't make Disney movies about

Re: When my wife developed Alzheimer’s, the story of our marriage kept us connected

#66

Post by lthornberry »

keiferski wrote: post #15
coldpie wrote: post #8

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I didn't downvote, but I always find "this day and age" kind of sentiments extremely eye-rolly, like things were better in some mythic past.

Unless you think that things are always getting better, it is necessarily implied that some things were better in the past.

This particular claim is just ludicrous, though. The idea that marriage is primarily about love and emotional companionship is an extremely modern idea. See Stephanie Coontz, Marriage, A History: How Love Conquered Marriage.

Re: When my wife developed Alzheimer’s, the story of our marriage kept us connected

#67

Post by susiecambria »

diskzero wrote: post #50
nefitty wrote: post #31

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I love my wife a lot. She's like my shadow, evidence that the sun is in the sky. If she got really sick I would stay with her and care for her. A huge chunk of that is because I'm attached to her, the little human pattern that the universe mumbles out. The other mind that looks at me and convinces me I actually exist. I personally think it's irresponsible to set up these weird transcendental expectations. If anyone r…

My wife was diagnosed with lymphoma and brain cancer last December and passed this October. I watched her weaken, spring back when a therapy worked, descend into near death when a therapy failed and eventually see her mind and body destroyed by cancer. I hated the illness, the workload, the stress and then unending anxiety of knowing there was little chance of a recovery. I never thought of leaving or not caring for…

So very sorry to hear about your loss.

I choose to believe that your wife wanted to tell you how much she loved you and what a wonderful life she had with you.

Hugs from me and the dogs

Re: When my wife developed Alzheimer’s, the story of our marriage kept us connected

#68

Post by TedDoesntTalk »

ChrisMarshallNY wrote: post #29
coldpie wrote: post #28

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't really want to turn the comments section of this lovely article into rancor, but yeah, I'm really tired of hearing about the "good old days" from those who gave us the current day; from those who refuse to cede power to us who will actually be here when shxt hits the fan so we can start the long, heavy work of fixing the problems that were created to give you those "good old days"; we who are trying to make-d…

I agree. I really understand this. I even mentioned it in my comment. I have a rather ... out-of-band ... life story for this venue. I didn't dance to this age. I was dragged, kicking and screaming, and holding onto the door jams. Frankly, I'm amazed that I'm here, every day. My past is not really something I want to go back to, thank you very much. I prefer looking forward. I also don't want it to be rancor. If you…

> The world has been damaged for a long time, and no one of us can fix it all

I'm reminded of Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" lyrics. I believe he's trying to say that his generation (Boomers) did not start the shit show. It's always been there, with different details.

Re: When my wife developed Alzheimer’s, the story of our marriage kept us connected

#69

Post by fjfaase »

diskzero wrote: post #50
nefitty wrote: post #31

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I love my wife a lot. She's like my shadow, evidence that the sun is in the sky. If she got really sick I would stay with her and care for her. A huge chunk of that is because I'm attached to her, the little human pattern that the universe mumbles out. The other mind that looks at me and convinces me I actually exist. I personally think it's irresponsible to set up these weird transcendental expectations. If anyone r…

My wife was diagnosed with lymphoma and brain cancer last December and passed this October. I watched her weaken, spring back when a therapy worked, descend into near death when a therapy failed and eventually see her mind and body destroyed by cancer. I hated the illness, the workload, the stress and then unending anxiety of knowing there was little chance of a recovery. I never thought of leaving or not caring for…

My first wife died as a result of Early-Onset Alzheimer's Disease. From diagnoses till death was 12 years. A much slower process than yours, I realize, which gave me much more time to adapt to it and deal with it.

Before she stopped talking at all, she also had a period that she spook gibberish. I learned to just pretend to understand her, assuming that she meant something positive with her attempt to say something. I learned to read her face instead of her words.

In the last year her eyes would usually be dull and only now and then there would be a spark of light in her eyes that would not last longer than a second. I never wondered whether she still recognized me. I assumed that the concept of husband did not mean anything to her anymore. I am happy that I still recognized her till the end, because I know that some people with Alzheimer's Disease will change so much in their behavior that relatives do no longer recognize them.

We will never know what your wife wanted to say. Maybe the words that came out of her mouth were not even the words she wanted to say. Maybe you should take the fact that she attempted to talk to you as a sign that she was happy that you were with her at that moment.

Re: When my wife developed Alzheimer’s, the story of our marriage kept us connected

#70

Post by mezentius »

baskethead wrote: post #41

It's a lovely story, but quite honestly, Alzheimer's/dementia is a shitshow. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy and there are many people I despise. There is nothing crueler than dementia. My mom is suffering through dementia right now. We did something similar. We made photo albums, and went through them every day, until my mom stopped responding to them. Within a couple of years, she forgot who we were, or she wo…

Thanks for this. I had the same series of thoughts after reading the article, and struggled to feel more charitable about it. "Shitshow" is a kind description.

On my father's increasingly rare good days, I often think of Stanislaw Lem's "Solaris" — "I persisted in the faith that the time of cruel miracles was not past."

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