Who Americans spend their time with, by age • Hacker News Board

Re: Who Americans spend their time with, by age

#61

Post by grumple » Fri, Dec 11, 2020, 3:40 PM UTC

Interesting. Totally anecdotal here, but here are my thoughts:

As I get older, I see less value in friendships, mostly because I realize that many of my friendships didn't serve me and added a lot of stress to my life (and distracted from time that could have been spent on career / legacy). Meanwhile, time invested in my personal life, hobbies, and career pays off in spades - spending a few months getting better at algorithms helped me double my wages with my next job jump. It is interesting how social we are with friends at a young age, then most decide on a constant - but low - amount of time spent with friends.

Re: Who Americans spend their time with, by age

#62

Post by rm445 » Fri, Dec 11, 2020, 3:41 PM UTC

dcolkitt wrote: post #18

wing-_-nuts wrote: post #11

I don't even want kids. I don't know why the 'time spent with one's children' line hurts so much, but it does. It sharply rises, before plummeting at age 40. That's got to be a jarring transition. No wonder so many folks have trouble with the 'empty nest' and mid-life crisis.

The Western nuclear family is a very unnatural social arrangement. Anthropologists have found that in most hunter-gatherers, the average infant is held at one point or another by 30+ people in a typical day. The nuclear family has the twin downsides of putting tons of stress on parents of young kids, who shoulder the entire childcare burden, and deprives a lot of grandparents, aunts, cousins, and others of meaningful…

As a parent without nearby family, I think you're right. It's hard work. We went away to university, got jobs, settled down and bought a house. To move back close to family now would be an upheaval - there was probably only one short window of time when it wouldn't have been as much effort. Persuading our parents etc to downsize and move close to us might have a better chance.

It would be nice to live around extended family. People definitely do, but, here in the UK at least and excepting big-city-dwellers, it seems linked to lower economic status - people for whom one job is much like another.

Maybe eventually the link between where you work and where you live will be weaker, for more specialised jobs.

Re: Who Americans spend their time with, by age

#63

Post by _qulr » Fri, Dec 11, 2020, 3:41 PM UTC

danenania wrote: post #54

_qulr wrote: post #31

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm not defending the nuclear family, but I don't think our primitive past says anything about what's "optimal". For example, human life expectancy is much longer now. I'd much rather be a modern person with modern technology and medicine than a hunter-gatherer. Evolution != good. It's just history, and history is often ugly.

I don't think it's a question of good or bad, but of pragmatism in not fighting against the way that our bodies and minds were designed. Software is limited by the constraints of the hardware it runs on--engineers who try to ignore this will write slow and buggy software. Similarly, if we design lifestyles and societies that ignore, clash with, or subvert our biological and bio-psychological imperatives, we are likel…

> not fighting against the way that our bodies and minds were designed

Our minds and bodies were not designed. They evolved — slowly — under conditions of relatively harshness and scarcity that to a large extent no longer exist. The human "habitat" has changed radically in the past several hundred years. One might argue that we're no longer adapted to our environment. Evolution doesn't work quickly enough for that.

I'd also suggest there was widespread physical and mental suffering in the distant past. It wasn't the Garden of Eden in prehistory.

Re: Who Americans spend their time with, by age

#64

Post by grumple » Fri, Dec 11, 2020, 3:42 PM UTC

wing-_-nuts wrote: post #11

I don't even want kids. I don't know why the 'time spent with one's children' line hurts so much, but it does. It sharply rises, before plummeting at age 40. That's got to be a jarring transition. No wonder so many folks have trouble with the 'empty nest' and mid-life crisis.

I think that peak is when people have very young children that require large amounts of time from their parents. The decline is children getting older, going to school, going to college, and starting families of their own.

Re: Who Americans spend their time with, by age

#65

Post by kenjackson » Fri, Dec 11, 2020, 3:42 PM UTC

torgian wrote: post #46

tcbawo wrote: post #45

Earlier quoted context omitted.

As the younger people alive today get older, they are more likely to remain connected with technology and spend more time socially with digital experiences (playing video games with friends, etc.). Hopefully, this will help offset loneliness that might accompany decreased mobility.

Unfortunately this is a poor substitute for real physical connection with other people.

Is it that poor? During the pandemic my son has stayed in touch with his friends on the phone in these big group chats and smaller chats as well. I’m amazed at how natural it has become for them. They talk, gossip, play games (Roblox, Fortnite, nba 2k), and even watch YouTube and TikTok together.

I think the model they created will persist into post Covid, with the addition of physical connection.

Re: Who Americans spend their time with, by age

#66

Post by rochak » Fri, Dec 11, 2020, 3:43 PM UTC

torgian wrote: post #46

tcbawo wrote: post #45

Earlier quoted context omitted.

As the younger people alive today get older, they are more likely to remain connected with technology and spend more time socially with digital experiences (playing video games with friends, etc.). Hopefully, this will help offset loneliness that might accompany decreased mobility.

Unfortunately this is a poor substitute for real physical connection with other people.

Can confirm. I used to like staying alone and being connected via social media. Now, I don’t enjoy that anymore. Maybe it is because I am tired of the dopamine hits social media provides.

Re: Who Americans spend their time with, by age

#67

Post by inanutshellus » Fri, Dec 11, 2020, 3:43 PM UTC

tristor wrote: post #39

I think it'd be interesting to see this data split by gender as well as by age cohort. I think we'd find that men juncture towards spending time alone sooner than women, and that they start out with a higher level of being alone. Those are just my assumptions though.

I'm also surprised they didn't call out gender. From everything I've read, men are increasingly isolated as they age, whereas women tend to cluster together. This also has been linked to higher-by-gender suicides for isolated men. Granted, I guess if you're dead you don't have to worry about showing up in the list and skewing the graph inconveniently.

Re: Who Americans spend their time with, by age

#68

Post by crispyporkbites » Fri, Dec 11, 2020, 3:43 PM UTC

As someone who loves being alone, this is great news!

Re: Who Americans spend their time with, by age

#69

Post by rochak » Fri, Dec 11, 2020, 3:46 PM UTC

grumple wrote: post #61

Interesting. Totally anecdotal here, but here are my thoughts: As I get older, I see less value in friendships, mostly because I realize that many of my friendships didn't serve me and added a lot of stress to my life (and distracted from time that could have been spent on career / legacy). Meanwhile, time invested in my personal life, hobbies, and career pays off in spades - spending a few months getting better at a…

Huh. My experience has been the opposite. I used to just focus on my skills but that ended up with me doing things on my own and not getting to enjoy the things I thought I would. With time, I noticed this and have started spending time with other people to look at things from their perspective and experience new things. This has been a better experience for me.

Re: Who Americans spend their time with, by age

#70

Post by rm445 » Fri, Dec 11, 2020, 3:46 PM UTC

grumple wrote: post #61

Interesting. Totally anecdotal here, but here are my thoughts: As I get older, I see less value in friendships, mostly because I realize that many of my friendships didn't serve me and added a lot of stress to my life (and distracted from time that could have been spent on career / legacy). Meanwhile, time invested in my personal life, hobbies, and career pays off in spades - spending a few months getting better at a…

I don't know how old you are, but based on the comment it seems likely you haven't travelled all the way along the journey yet. People can be retired and alone a long time - it seems such a potentially lonely existence that it's worth taking some actions earlier in life to reduce the possibility. I don't know whether the best way would be cultivating friendships or focusing on family.