He's sort of a maroon. You can figure it out and be 'functionally illiterate' fairly quickly with some ingenuity and hard work. You'll produce some hardcore drek that will need to be cleaned up by a professional at some point though (maybe you after a few years of programming :)).
Python is the current fad language for introductory programming. I am not a huge fan, but there's lots of gentle reference material, which is probably more important.