1. fafhrd91 might not be an English "native". A simple linguistic look at his comments (esp on gitter when he answers our questions) shows that he uses very short sentences. Perhaps that comes across as harsh to some people, but for the most I think it was fine. Perhaps many of those who were offended took this the wrong way (one can't keep apologising for their English).
2. Perhaps actix focused more on TechEmpower benchmarks (if you follow fafhrd91 on GH, you'd see the number of times he forks TE's repo, presumably submitting PRs). I think having a library that's #1 for many benchmarks attracts users, not all of which will be hobbyists working on toy projects. The concerns (some valid, most not) about unsafe were bound to be there.
3. The dismissal of `unsafe` alternatives was often a challenge (from the comments that I saw, especially before his first instance of walking away), which wasn't handled well by "us" the religious cult. I don't know why he came back after the first instance last year, but what many of us saw was the toxicity of Reddit when it came to actix. I think fafhrd91 asked for people to co-maintain last time, which did see an increase in contributors.
4. Part of us building a community will be many of us acknowledging that "Performance" is not the sole goal of every Rust project. There are sometimes people who will suggest a huge deviation in a project because of some micro-optimisation or because they want a feature which might not make sense for everyone else. So I hear what you're saying about the hardships of maintainership because things can go pretty wild if one tries to please everybody.
Unsafe is also still 'young' in that more tooling around it will still be worked on over the years/decades. How will we know if we're being restrictive on a feature if we forbid it?
5. Reddit is toxic. People on Reddit are toxic. People are toxic. We are toxic.
A good principle for us to follow when we type things on the internet is to ask "would I say everything this way to a person if I was standing next to him/her/them"?
Good luck Nikolay, I wish you the best, we have learnt a lot from you on what's possible in our little community.