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Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

nytimes.com

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Re: Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

#61

Post by Aelinsaar »

DanielStraight wrote: post #57
Aelinsaar wrote: post #45

Earlier quoted context omitted.

People don't like to question the basic assumptions they live with, such as, "Having children is a necessary part of a good and fulfilled life."

No, people don't like solutions which ignore the problem. Yes, by completely changing your plan for your life you can prevent certain problems, but that doesn't necessitate that you should make the change.

It doesn't, but it suggests that people should consider it far more than they do. Given how often marriages end as a direct or indirect result of children, you'd think it would come up more.

Re: Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

#62

Post by [deleted] »

nostrebored wrote: post #52

I think that there are two extremely harmful narratives that have reached wide acceptance in the last few generations: 1) There's a soulmate out there for you 2) You shouldn't change who you are for your partner Both of which combine to create the barrage of unhappy relationship stories that you hear today. Really, I think that you can be happy with just about anyone who is willing to listen to you and change their m…

[deleted]

Re: Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

#63

Post by Digit-Al »

matwood wrote: post #28

A comedian once said "Find someone you can tolerate and marry them." The point being that we as society have put marriage expectations so high that they are impossible for most people to meet. True love, the one, etc... are all things that sound great, but just rarely, if ever happen. It will not always be rainbows and butterflies and there will be times where it is a lot of work. Knowing that going in will lead to a…

There's a line in a song: It's not alway's rainbows and butterflies; it's compromising that moves us along.

Re: Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

#64

Post by Aelinsaar »

Mz wrote: post #51
Aelinsaar wrote: post #45

Earlier quoted context omitted.

People don't like to question the basic assumptions they live with, such as, "Having children is a necessary part of a good and fulfilled life."

I didn't downvote, but if I had, it wouldn't be for that reason. It would be because having kids or not having kids is something many people speak of cavalierly as if it is totally in our control and this is often not true. If birth control fails, there are places where abortion is hard to come by (including large parts of the U.S., from what I gather). These attitudes disproportionately negatively impact women. Much…

If every comment you come across accounts for the full spectrum of human and geopolitical variability, they would stop being comments and start being novellas.

Re: Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

#66

Post by zw123456 »

My grandparents lived long enough to celebrate a 75th anniversary. I remember I was old enough at the time to be cognizant of these issues and I asked them both what "the secret was to a long happy marriage". My grandma said: "well, when I look out the window and see your grandpa drive up in his truck after being away for awhile, I still get a little excited to see him". My grandpa said: "we have sex every night, well, now days we just rub our asses together a little". I think somewhere in there they had some pretty good old timers wisdom.

Re: Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

#67

Post by koolba »

up_and_up wrote: post #19

PROTIP: 1. Have a longterm vision/goal for your life that is achievable regardless of financial resources/location etc. 2. Find a partner in crime who shares that vision and is willing to join you on what will surely be a great adventure known as your life. Life will surely be no bed of roses. 3. Stress Test your relationship in some way to ensure the vision/goal is aligned. I decided I should marry my wife following…

Counter tips:

> 1. Have a longterm vision/goal for your life that is achievable regardless of financial resources/location etc.

1. Plan for financial long term future but focus on the fun in the short term. Also, good fun is a cheap fun so it's not mutually exclusive with the previous sentence.

> 2. Find a partner in crime who shares that vision and is willing to join you on what will surely be a great adventure known as your life. Life will surely be no bed of roses.

2. Don't try to find anybody. Choose science! [1]

> 3. Stress Test your relationship in some way to ensure the vision/goal is aligned.

3. Life has enough natural stresses that time alone is a decent enough indicator.

[1]: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0rWunrNejmA

Re: Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

#68

Post by Razengan »

nostrebored wrote: post #39
Razengan wrote: post #33

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Or adopt already born ones that don't have much of a chance otherwise.

The myth of unadopted babies/kids is pervasive and pretty inaccurate. Most babies and small children who are up for adoption have multiple families vying to bring them home already... If you want to talk about adopting preteens/teens/special needs children then it's a different ball game, but that's not what people try to do.

Yes, I wasn't implying an age limit on adoption. However, I think there's almost always some amount of self-interest in having kids:

Me and my girlfriend despise babies (for now) and simply don't see ourselves as being responsible/mature enough to raise kids yet. We do entertain the idea though, now and then, and for us the main attractions of having kids seem to be: Something we made together, a "substitute" of each other to live for after one of us dies, and something to carry on our legacy, such as it is.

With adoption, these things can be fulfilled if the child is young enough, to be molded into our image, as it were.

That's not to say that love for an orphan, no matter how old, cannot happen. Of course there can be selfless adoptions, where you just want to make someone's life better without regard to yourselves.

Re: Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

#70

Post by Mz »

Aelinsaar wrote: post #64
Mz wrote: post #51

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I didn't downvote, but if I had, it wouldn't be for that reason. It would be because having kids or not having kids is something many people speak of cavalierly as if it is totally in our control and this is often not true. If birth control fails, there are places where abortion is hard to come by (including large parts of the U.S., from what I gather). These attitudes disproportionately negatively impact women. Much…

If every comment you come across accounts for the full spectrum of human and geopolitical variability, they would stop being comments and start being novellas.

It is possible to leave comments that are not novellas and that also are not sweepingly dismissive of underlying reality. All birth control methods have failure rates. None of them promises 100% protection -- except celibacy (assuming no one gets raped), which most married couples are not keen to practice.
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