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On Marrying the Wrong Person

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Re: On Marrying the Wrong Person

#61

Post by [deleted] »

zxcvvcxz wrote: post #20
epimetheus wrote: post #19

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>but at the end of the day they think they ought to have a better mate, and are fed up with their current one I don't know if this is true across the board. I don't feel that way entirely, more along the lines of "I'm stuck in this situation; kids, a marriage where I get no real benefit, I just want to be free and do what I want and not have to bow to their whims." I know several people, right now, that have been div…

Maybe an age thing, hormones do die down I hear! But I doubt these people you're talking about (yourself included) are all celibate though. > "I'm stuck in this situation; kids, a marriage where I get no real benefit, I just want to be free and do what I want and not have to bow to their whims." Unless you're celibate, then this is equivalent to wanting to be with another mate, as that is what will happen. Not to dis…

[deleted]

Re: On Marrying the Wrong Person

#62

Post by gyardley »

For men who had a bit of an awkward childhood (like, say, me, and perhaps some of you as well), perhaps the most important bit of advice about marriage is that your first serious relationship, should it happen to end, will not end up being the only one you ever have, and that "we've already been together for an appropriately long period of time" is not remotely a legitimate reason to get married.

Should there not be a very, very strong match - due to lack of shared values, mismatched libido, poor communication skills, whatever - then the appropriate thing to do is break it off, not limp along in an adequate-but-far-from-ideal state until length of tenure or the pressure of societal obligations compel you to the altar.

Re: On Marrying the Wrong Person

#63

Post by ant6n »

k__ wrote: post #23
santaclause33 wrote: post #11

Three notes I would add: 1) In response to the "know yourself" bullet: I met my now wife at 15 - we learned a lot about ourselves between then and when we married at age 22. But we were pretty much committed to marrying by age 18, even though we learned a lot after. You can learn with another person. 2) Life pro tip on understanding other people (this is a quick reinforcement of a bunch of points in the article): if…

Yes, same goes for my brother, but I don't know how much of it relies on premise, that they can't live without each other anymore, because their life's are so entangled. I mean he is 31 and they came together when he was 16 and she was 15. They experienced their whole adult life together. They split for about 4 months but came together again, probably because of this. On the other hand, I'm the complete opposite, so…

Wait, you have two relationships right now?

Re: On Marrying the Wrong Person

#64

Post by thedufer »

rdrey wrote: post #52
acheron wrote: post #14

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The odds of first marriage are better than 50/50. That statistic is for total marriages, but people who divorce once on average divorce multiple times. Success rate of first marriage is something like 65%. Also, that success rate goes higher if you're high income, like most of HN. Yes, thanks, I was about to post the same thing. Also divorce rates are lower among college graduates (which is correlated with income of…

I have no data to back this up, but I would guess that college / university graduates also get married later in life.

Based on the first Google result [1], average age of first marriage goes up by ~2.5 years for men and ~3.5 years for women with a bachelor's degree over just a high school diploma.

1 http://www.bls.gov/opub/mlr/2013/article/marriage-and-divorc...

Re: On Marrying the Wrong Person

#65

Post by rayiner »

epimetheus wrote: post #49
zxcvvcxz wrote: post #20

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Maybe an age thing, hormones do die down I hear! But I doubt these people you're talking about (yourself included) are all celibate though. > "I'm stuck in this situation; kids, a marriage where I get no real benefit, I just want to be free and do what I want and not have to bow to their whims." Unless you're celibate, then this is equivalent to wanting to be with another mate, as that is what will happen. Not to dis…

>Unless you're celibate Pretty much, rough marriage, sex with each other isn't something they want even if you do. Needless to say, more than 12 months go by between 'action.' Right now we are together for finances and the kiddo. But I still have to deal with all of the negatives. I might hook up with others once everything is normal, but really the primary motivator isn't sex or a better mate, it's just freedom to b…

Your precise situation is a common theory for why women disproportionately initiate divorce.

Re: On Marrying the Wrong Person

#66

Post by firemanx »

My wife had me buy her a poster this year which I have found to be particularly profound in a variety of life's situations. It says, simply "The grass is greener where you water it."

We've since had it framed.

Re: On Marrying the Wrong Person

#67

Post by sliverstorm »

graeme wrote: post #47
rayiner wrote: post #45

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't think your theory jives with the evidence that men and women are equally likely to initiate breakups of non-marriage relationships: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/women-more-likely-than-m... . If it was about access to better mates, you'd expect to see the disparity extend to non-marriage relationships too, but you don't.

I checked the paper, an unpublished draft. The sample size of non-marital breakups is 279. Also, the question asked was "who wanted the breakup more" not "who initiated the breakup". 85 breakups were reported as mutual. That leaves only 194 breakups which were reported as wanted more by one side. 112 is the total number of breakups reported as wanted more by the woman. 82 is the number of breakups reported as wanted…

Been a while since I learned about choosing sample sizes, but if memory serves 279 is a really good set, assuming random selection.

Re: On Marrying the Wrong Person

#68

Post by kough »

ant6n wrote: post #63
k__ wrote: post #23

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes, same goes for my brother, but I don't know how much of it relies on premise, that they can't live without each other anymore, because their life's are so entangled. I mean he is 31 and they came together when he was 16 and she was 15. They experienced their whole adult life together. They split for about 4 months but came together again, probably because of this. On the other hand, I'm the complete opposite, so…

Wait, you have two relationships right now?

Welcome to the world of Berkeley-rational-polyamory! Overlaps more than you'd think with the HN crowd, I'm kind of surprised that you're surprised.

Re: On Marrying the Wrong Person

#69

Post by AJ007 »

scribu wrote: post #57
CameraSupra wrote: post #9

There is so much wrong with the first section of the article, I could only put up with skimming the rest. The only thing I learned from the first section was not to marry the author.

Your comment would be a lot more valuable if you replaced "There is so much wrong" with specifics.

"Sex is hard to come by as well. For all the new gadgets and supposed freedoms of modernity, it can be very hard to get laid – and expecting to do so regularly with new people is bound to end in disappointment after 30."

Re: On Marrying the Wrong Person

#70

Post by epimetheus »

LordKano wrote: post #34
cmollis wrote: post #26

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There was distinct libido mismatch which ultimately deteriorated into an effective 'weapon', if you will (if you do this, you won't get that, kind of thing). Money was never a problem. I suspect money is Often used as convenient excuse hiding something more sinister (or prosaic like in my case, we just never loved one another )

It's easier to live with being broke if your sexual needs are being met. If you're broke and sexually unfulfilled, that's not going to last.

Or even if you have money and are sexually unfulfilled. I'm pretty sure for myself, a libido mismatch was a contributing factor for some of our issues. We do fine, not in the 1%, but certainly in the 5-6% (household income ~140k in a not terrible cost of living area).

Our times of interest were even wonky. I get tired at night and lose interest, that's when she wanted it. I liked it in the morning (after brushing the teeth), she likes to sleep in as much as possible (After a kid, that means until he/she wakes up).

And she was quick to reach (sorry if this is TMI, lol), while I took a bit longer, and she was extra sensitive after and... uh, dried up so it became painful for her after she got hers.

After awhile, sex become uninteresting if you are the one not getting fulfilled, and the marriage suffers. No amount of money fixes that.

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