Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012) • Hacker News Board

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#591

Post by rweba » Wed, Feb 21, 2018, 3:40 PM UTC

I remember reading and commenting on this same article when it was posted a few years ago.

I agree with most of the comments posted here.

In a certain sense making friends is really very simple.

But, to paraphrase one of my favorite quotes, that does not mean that it is EASY.

It just requires CONSISTENTLY spending A LOT of time in a collegial atmosphere with someone. If you do that, assuming you have a few things in common and don't annoy the heck out of each other, you will inevitably become friends.

This is why people make such good friends in college or in the army.

But consistently spending a lot of time with someone you just met is not easy for most adults outside of a romantic relationship or a work thing.

It's the paradox of choice, we have so many activities going on and different options on ways to spend our time that we have a hard time being consistent with developing any one specific relationship.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Paradox_of_Choice

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#592

Post by ionised » Wed, Feb 21, 2018, 3:46 PM UTC

tessierashpool wrote: post #562

scardine wrote: post #502

Earlier quoted context omitted.

People take me by an extrovert all the time. I learned to look less nerdy by mimicking my extrovert twin brother. I was the weirdest guy of the school and he was the most popular. Have you ever wondered if deep inside you are an introvert that just got very good at pretending to be an extrovert at early age due to social pressure? Western society rewards extroverts.

Western society rewards extroverts. Are you sure about that? I get the impression that the English culture regards extroverts as freaks of nature and terrifying monsters.

How do you figure?

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#593

Post by mc_rorie » Wed, Feb 21, 2018, 3:51 PM UTC

I found this particular quote to resonate with me: "We keep trying to get over the hump, but life gets in the way." This continued to happen to me over and over again and I couldn't find any personal tools that helped me get over that hump. As a direct result of my frustration, I am building a solution for this problem called Considerit (considerit.co). Check us out if this sounds like something you would be interested in and sign up for our Beta. Our goal is to help you achieve the outcomes you want with your relationships.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#594

Post by heedlessly2 » Wed, Feb 21, 2018, 3:53 PM UTC

matz1 wrote: post #576

heedlessly2 wrote: post #557

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>Don't be ashamed to ask people to add you to their whatsapp group That is rude and looks desperate. If a group actually likes you, then they would invite you first. As a general rule, never invite yourself to anything social. You can invite others to your place or to have dinner, but not to something else somebody already planned

Only if you already have especially likable personality, otherwise you do have to be proactive. For me, if I waiting for people to invite me first I end up with 0 friend. It does seem rude and desperate in the beginning but I have to learn to not think it that way.

>if I waiting for people to invite me first I end up with 0 friend

but then those other people are begrudgingly inviting you out of politeness since you asked, rather than being a genuine invite

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#595

Post by ionised » Wed, Feb 21, 2018, 3:55 PM UTC

Kluny wrote: post #16

ggg9990 wrote: post #3

One anecdatum: I simply lost most interest in having friends by 25. I lost the rest when I had a kid. Now my friends are my daughter’s friends parents. I don’t really like them, I just end up chit chatting with them while our daughters play.

Are you male? I don't want to assume. But as a woman this is something that really concerns me about the guys I and my friends date. I see my father doing the same thing. Once they get into a stable relationship they seem to think that there's no need for a social life beyond their girlfriend, coworkers, and maybe one or two very close old friends... but those old friends tend to drift away. The reason it bothers me…

This like the opposite of my experience.

I'm male and in a long term stable relationship and my true friends are just as important to me as they ever were. They are like family to me.

On the flip side my girlfriend has decided she suddenly no longer has much interest in hanging out with her friends, which is concerning. I have solitary hobbies I enjoy, and I can't fill the gap that her friends have left.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#596

Post by ionised » Wed, Feb 21, 2018, 3:58 PM UTC

gowld wrote: post #287

Kluny wrote: post #16

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Are you male? I don't want to assume. But as a woman this is something that really concerns me about the guys I and my friends date. I see my father doing the same thing. Once they get into a stable relationship they seem to think that there's no need for a social life beyond their girlfriend, coworkers, and maybe one or two very close old friends... but those old friends tend to drift away. The reason it bothers me…

There's an old saying: "A conservative under 30 has no heart. A liberal over 30 has no brain." People age, and that includes their personalities.

It's not a great saying, and it is a myth that people naturally become conservative as they age.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#597

Post by powvans » Wed, Feb 21, 2018, 4:03 PM UTC

ryeguy_24 wrote: post #501

cheschire wrote: post #496

Earlier quoted context omitted.

As an extrovert, social interaction still drains my mental energy. If anything I find myself even more obligated than you do to hold up my end of the conversation because that's the social expectation. This can be horribly exhausting when I'm simply not in the mood.

The extroverts I’ve known all thrive and get energy in social situations. I use this now as my deciding factor for introversion and extroversion. Are you sure you aren’t an introvert with extrovert skills. That’s what I am. I can talk to anyone easily but it drains me.

As an extrovert, my experience is that I pick up on another people's emotions and that colors my mood. If everyone is sort of uncomfortable and struggling through and eyeing the door, then I pick up on that and it saps my energy. If I find myself talking to a half dozen people who are in great moods and having an exciting conversation, I can get so carried away that I will feel a sort of buzzing high. Whether I go home tired or go home buzzing with energy very much depends on the event.

My wife is an introvert and is highly skilled at chit chat. She can work a room better than anyone but the most gregarious salesman types. She will remember the names of people that she met 10 years ago, details about their careers, their children's names and what their children studied in college. Doesn't matter if it's a professional event, a wedding, or a funeral, she is always on her game. BUT, she always goes home exhausted.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#598

Post by jacob019 » Wed, Feb 21, 2018, 4:05 PM UTC

theli0nheart wrote: post #237

narrator wrote: post #147

I have tried to make guy friends and the main problem seems to be that they're boring. We just run out of stuff to talk about unless we have some business related stuff to talk about. I prefer lady friends ( AS IN FRIENDS WHO ARE FEMALE WHO I DO NOT HAVE A SEXUAL OR WORK RELATION WITH AND WHO I AM NOT TRYING TO DATE ) as there's always the flirty subtext to play around with and they are just pleasant to be around and…

Not strange at all. I’d really like to have more friends who are women, but social norms make that hard to do. Most women I hang out with are my wife’s friends or friends’ wives/girlfriends, but I feel like getting any closer than an acquaintance is culturally taboo.

Not to mention that the wife might have concerns.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#599

Post by ZenoArrow » Wed, Feb 21, 2018, 4:09 PM UTC

odammit wrote: post #377

ZenoArrow wrote: post #356

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Speaking personally, I'm frequently running late for events, but it has nothing to do with being inconsiderate, as I tend to be reasonably considerate in other ways. It's also a family trait, which is something we joke about, and my family includes some of the most considerate people I've ever met. I get that waiting around doing nothing is annoying, but it doesn't have to be that way. For example, if I'm meeting up…

I lived in Roatan and there is a notion of “island time” you hear flying out of every lazy white mouth who is trying to sound hyper-local, but most people I met that grew up there, that work there and make plans with friends there - they tend to be pretty respectfully on-time. Nice stereotype though!

> "Nice stereotype though!"

If you don't like the example I gave, you can have another example, looking at Ikaria:

http://www.bbc.com/travel/story/20171116-the-greek-island-wi...

Quoting the article (note this was said by a Greek person, not an expat):

"Retired doctor Christodoulos Xenakis has another theory about how Ikarians avoid unnecessary anxiety. We met briefly during my first hour on the island and we had agreed to meet again, though tracking him down wasn’t easy.

“No-one really sets appointments here,” he shrugged when I greeted the 81 year old – who is considered a young man by Ikaria standards – a few days later in the village. Time is an important part of life on Ikaria, Xenakis explained, but not the way most people think. “It’s more like ‘see you in the morning, afternoon or evening’. We don’t stress.”"

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#600

Post by brango » Wed, Feb 21, 2018, 4:10 PM UTC

I can recommend the book Anatomy of Friendship [1] by Reisman. It's an old book but dispels the myth that things are more difficult now than in days gone by, since he quotes ancient Greeks/Romans lamenting the difficulties of friendship.

It really made me understand friendship, how to make friends, and how friendship varies throughout our lives. Definitely worth digging up a copy. It's a shame it's no longer in print.

[1] https://books.google.co.uk/books/about/Anatomy_of_Friendship...