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Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

nytimes.com

571–580 of 745 posts

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#571

In the past month three men, (one 45ish, another 55ish, another 74) two of whom I was barely acquainted with, have poured their souls out to me over their relationship and business troubles. I'd argue that it isn't hard to make friends, it's just hard to meet people in the first place. Men in particular get into a habit of focusing on business and family. More than once I've heard older men voice a complaint if their…

>it's just hard to meet people in the first place

I disagree. There are plenty of places to meet people. Instead its hard for most people to be compatible to hang out regularly. Most lonely people have plenty of acquaintances, but no close friends to regularly hang out.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#573

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The other guy is right though. Other than gastric bypass, all methods of weight loss have like a 2% success rate over the long term. Given numbers like that, I don't see it as useful to cast it as a problem of willpower. The existence of large national trends also, to my mind, points away from individual failings. I find it hard to believe that the willpower of the average person has simply dropped off steeply over a…

> Other than gastric bypass, all methods of weight loss have like a 2% success rate over the long term. That's not at all correct. Success rates of weight loss by dieting are around 20%. That's still low, but you have to ask yourself: is it because people really can't control their diet long term, or is it because the majority of the population prefers the self serving narative of obesity genes and viruses, addiction…

Well, here's a source I was remembering the claim from (I was just a little off): http://www.slate.com/articles/health_and_science/medical_exa...

> In reality, 97 percent of dieters regain everything they lost and then some within three years. Obesity research fails to reflect this truth because it rarely follows people for more than 18 months. This makes most weight-loss studies disingenuous at best and downright deceptive at worst.

I also think this article is interesting because it includes some personal testimony from a successful long-term dieter that I think illustrates why most people are not successful:

> Debra Sapp-Yarwood, a fiftysomething from Kansas City, Missouri, who’s studying to be a hospital chaplain, is one of the three percenters, the select few who have lost a chunk of weight and kept it off. She dropped 55 pounds 11 years ago, and maintains her new weight with a diet and exercise routine most people would find unsustainable: She eats 1,800 calories a day—no more than 200 in carbs—and has learned to put up with what she describes as “intrusive thoughts and food preoccupations.” She used to run for an hour a day, but after foot surgery she switched to her current routine: a 50-minute exercise video performed at twice the speed of the instructor, while wearing ankle weights and a weighted vest that add between 25 or 30 pounds to her small frame.

> “Maintaining weight loss is not a lifestyle,” she says. “It’s a job.” It’s a job that requires not just time, self-discipline, and energy—it also takes up a lot of mental real estate. People who maintain weight loss over the long term typically make it their top priority in life.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#574
post #524

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The other guy is right though. Other than gastric bypass, all methods of weight loss have like a 2% success rate over the long term. Given numbers like that, I don't see it as useful to cast it as a problem of willpower. The existence of large national trends also, to my mind, points away from individual failings. I find it hard to believe that the willpower of the average person has simply dropped off steeply over a…

You are right in your description, but I disagree with your conclusion. Yes, the statistics of people in weight loss programs keeping their weight off is really low, but this could have many explanations: * Are they included because they wanted a one-time solution to a permanent problem? * Did they initially get coaching that they later lost? * Did the changes they made temporarily not work for them personally in the…

So essentially you agree that we live in an environment that encourages obesity but in the end you think individuals should just "suck it up" and try harder. I think this is unlikely to ever see success for a large percentage of people and I don't think it's fair to fault people for not succeeding.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#575

I have tried to make guy friends and the main problem seems to be that they're boring. We just run out of stuff to talk about unless we have some business related stuff to talk about. I prefer lady friends ( AS IN FRIENDS WHO ARE FEMALE WHO I DO NOT HAVE A SEXUAL OR WORK RELATION WITH AND WHO I AM NOT TRYING TO DATE ) as there's always the flirty subtext to play around with and they are just pleasant to be around and…

I happen to be very much like you (except I'm a cis woman, and my friends are usually not cis women), but my impression is that people like us are the exception, not the norm.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#576
post #541

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Also, it's hard but not impossible. I'm in that situation right now, where I work in a new location but most of my colleagues have established lifes here. However there are also a small number of colleagues in similar situations, and also there's some movement going on all the time. So yes, my friendships don't grow as quickly as I'd like, but they grow. One thing to note though is that one needs to pursue it proacti…

>Don't be ashamed to ask people to add you to their whatsapp group That is rude and looks desperate. If a group actually likes you, then they would invite you first. As a general rule, never invite yourself to anything social. You can invite others to your place or to have dinner, but not to something else somebody already planned

Only if you already have especially likable personality, otherwise you do have to be proactive. For me, if I waiting for people to invite me first I end up with 0 friend. It does seem rude and desperate in the beginning but I have to learn to not think it that way.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#577
post #517

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Not really. As I have grown older I realised that my university friends were mainly a bunch of snobby middle class boring people. They had a careers, while I explored life a fair bit more (and still manage to have a career after taking a few years out). The guys who I have met through kayaking - an activity where we have quite literally saved each others lives on occasion - are far more interesting and fun and more r…

How did you get in with your kayaking group?

I started at a club before university.

I was involved with the university club for a while, until my level was beyond wanting to help teach beginners and push my own limits somewhat harder.

Travelled and worked as a rafting guide after university, and I quite literally have kayaking friends all over the world now.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#579
post #520
post #490

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Not everyone measures their happiness by the balance in their bank account. These "miserable people" might be genuinely enjoying their "useless" trinkets and adventures. If it's not for you - OK, but don't judge other people like that. Contrary, I know plenty of older, rich people that worked hard their whole life and are still miserable, because they are missing the time they could have spent with the loved ones (es…

What they're trying to say is, if you work in a job you don't like and pace through work from one holiday to the next, you're basically missing out on life. I mean, how much holidays do you have? In Germany for every holiday week you work five weeks.

What makes you think that they are missing life? They might as well work in a position they are not overly enthusiastic about, but earn enough to meet their lifestyle and enjoy their life after 5pm back at home with loving family or working in a garden. How that's worse than working your ass off 80h per week, earn a lot of money, but then be a rich 50 year old with no family and no friends? I mean, how can you even objectively compare such things? Choose whichever way and lifestyle works for you and brings most happiness, but don't judge people that choice other ways.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#580
post #266

I just get bored by the new people I meet, which makes me sad; I don't feel emotionally invested in the new folks I meet at all

Insisting on rapid emotional investment (in either direction) with new acquaintances, while not "wrong" per se, is equivalent to saying you'll only date people for whom you feel instant infatuation/"love at first sight".

It massively reduces your options. These things take work, practice, and time.

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