I miss thinking hard

This is just the kind of thing that Dr David Burns' work on TEAM-CBT therapy deals with.

> "Long story short, I realized that my struggle stems from my lack of training"

you say, and then you explain exactly where your struggle is, and it's not lack of training:

> "it's a fear and urge of closing the game and leaving it "for later" the moment I discover that I've either done something wrong"

There you are. It's that fear. Fear comes from your brain modeling the world and predicting the future, and predicting a bad future and generating fear (or anxiety, or other bad feelings) to change your behaviour and avoid that future. So find why "doing something wrong" is making you predict a bad future, what bad future, and then find a way to fix that where you can be wrong but it isn't the end of your world, and then this fear and urge won't appear anymore.

1) one of those things like "finding out I've done something wrong" happens, or you imagine it happening.

2) you imagine some kind of negative future event that follows on from doing something wrong, this is a habit of thinking that you learned so it might be fast, almost sub-conscious, flicker of ideas and thoughts.

3) from those, your brain generates bad feelings (feelings are a high level sweeping way to change our behaviour without thinking about tons of details).

4) you get the urge to push it away and close the game, so you can avoid those future events happening, so that can save you from future badness, bad feelings calm down (but different ones may appear like guilt, shame, inadequacy, etc).

5) you don't consciously notice this happening, so you make up some other reason that sounds nice and plausible and doesn't involve changing anything ("lack of training").

6) repeat this mental habit for a long time, maybe the rest of your life.

> "postponed the inevitable exercise of a very useful mental habit: To navigate uncertainty, pause and reflect, plan, evaluate a trade-off or 2 here and there."

That's not where your problem is, you aren't lacking the ability to evaluate a trade-off, you're lacking the ability to go wrong. Being able to evaluate any situation so you never ever go wrong isn't possible, that can't be the answer. The only answer can be from becoming okay with going wrong [I hope you will feel an automatic rejection here, how can it possibly be OK to be wrong and screw something up? I don't want to be OK with going wrong! See?].

Step one of a fix is to focus your attention on "it's a fear and urge of closing the game and leaving it "for later" the moment I discover that I've either done something wrong" and push into that. Remember or find a specific example of that which makes the feeling come up - what task were going wrong brings up that feeling - write it down.

Step two, look at your thoughts at that moment, what are you telling yourself will happen next that is so automatic and habitual and reflex and fast that you can barely notice it happening, but is basically the horrible future you're always worrying about? [If it helps, imagine a cartoon character who is just like you, in that "oh no I screwed up" situation with a thought bubble above their head, and write in what they are thinking which is oh so very relatable to you].

It will be some typical human thing like "it will prove I'm not smart and my fiance or parents won't love me" or "I will become unemployed and homeless and get sick on the streets and die" or "it will prove my lifelong fear that I don't deserve respect and am inferior to everyone else" but the details will be unique to you and what you fear and worry about.

And the next Dr Burns specific step is that you need to see why you are holding onto that pattern of thought, it's not just stopping you from making progress in projects, it's got some silver lining that is protecting and upholding some other ideals you value, and you don't want to let this pattern change and let go of the fear if it means losing something else equally or more valuable (e.g. "if I don't fear becoming homeless then I won't push myself to work harder and will waste my life as a drifter", or what I said earlier "I don't want to be okay with going wrong, people who screw things up and don't care are LOSERS who make everything worse!", again, the details will be specific to you).

And then to do some therapy techniques to work out how to unpick all this, and change it, in a way that keeps the ideals you want, and releases the sticking points you don't want.

> "I cannot imagine how someone would claim that removing an exercise from my daily gym visit will not result in weaker muscles."

If you do weighted abs exercises first, then you can't do good squats because your abs hurt, removing the abs work might be an overall gain. If you do too much everyday so you can't recover properly in one night of rest, removing some more intense work might be an overall gain. If you try to do too many exercises in a rush so you can't do a good job on any of them, removing one so you can do fewer, better quality, might be an overall gain. If you hate one exercise and it puts you in a bad mood and every month or two you get a minor injury from it that knocks your progress back, removing it might be a mood boost and an overall gain. If you remove a small targetted exercise and replace it with a larger compound exercise, it might be an overall gain.

I sympathize with this. I wonder if the author might find it helpful to reimagine the thinking they do as coming up with good questions, rather than good answers. I was inspired to try to do so myself after reading this essay: https://link.springer.com/article/10.1186/s13059-019-1902-1

"[I]f a scientist proposes an important question and provides an answer to it that is later deemed wrong, the scientist will still be credited with posing the question. This is because the framing of a fundamentally new question lies, by definition, beyond what we can expect within our frame of knowledge: while answering a question relies upon logic, coming up with a new question often rests on an illogical leap into the unknown."

My “skill” for 40 years has been to turn what I wanted my computer to do into code to get it done using the tools available to me. A “senior developer” is not someone who “codez real gud”. It’s someone who can work at a higher level of scope and ambiguity and has a larger impact on the organization than a ticket taker