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Ask HN: What do you struggle with?

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Re: Ask HN: What do you struggle with?

#541

I don't like the new way of doing things. Kubernetes, node, react, terraform... Everything is more complicated and also more fragile. I feel like the software world is collectively mad and I'm sitting on the outside asking "wtf is going on?" Or maybe I'm the crazy one.

This is just some MVP java app with an nginx proxy, elastic-search, and mysql? Why is this running in k8s on aws via Kops in conjunction with a cloudformation template for aurora inside of a VPC? With containers separately built via packer +ansible kicked off via jenkins after each pull request merge? The CI pipeline also kicks off a canary deployment in our UAT environment with a prometheus exporter for monitoring o…

Please, someone, make an HN-ipsum generator. This is a perfect source.

Re: Ask HN: What do you struggle with?

#542
post #159

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I was in a very similar spot last year. I pivoted back to school and have 0 regrets, good luck.

Would you mind giving some more context around your age or relative career maturity when you went back to school? I’m recently 27 and aiming for grad school next year, accelerating my plans after a really bad summer grind in my role.

I went back to school when I was 28 and graduated when I turned 30. The cost of school is insane now, but otherwise I have no regrets. I actually could have conversations with my professors based on my professional experience, so it felt a bit more engaging to me.

But I also always felt like I was behind, because it was kind of assumed that I still had knowledge from when I took classes years ago fresh in my head, and that was far from the case, so I generally felt like I was playing catch-up the whole time.

This was undergrad by the way. Due to not being willing to take student loans I dropped out of college after my first couple of years because I couldn't afford to keep going. If I knew now what I knew then, I would have just taken the loans. Tuition shot up like crazy after 8 years away.

Re: Ask HN: What do you struggle with?

#543

I’m 30 and haven’t really had much dating experience. It boggles my mind how people are already married by 30. How does dating work? Serious question.

I'm in my late 30s, and getting married sometime next year. I didn't really start dating anyone until my mid twenties, and didn't really start getting the hang of how to act around women until my early 30s, and I attribute most of that to going to a variety of meetups with different meetup groups on Meetup.com and just trying to talk to people a little at a time and showing up to enough things that eventually we knew each other well enough that I started getting invited to things outside of the meetup groups.

I mainly went to board/video game nights, on hikes, movie nights, group dinners, museums, beach outings, and various one-off activities like scavenger hunts and mini-golf.

Eventually I became more comfortable being around women and stopped being quite so awkward around them. I got a few dates through meetup, but ultimately I met my fiancee through OKCupid. However, I don't think I would have been comfortable around her without the two years of going to as many social events that I could handle in anything that looked remotely interesting to me.

One thing I had to get over, also, is there are a lot of women in their twenties that aren't really emotionally available, for various reasons. Focused on their career, trying to figure out who they are and what they want in life, have their own struggles they're dealing with, etc. I would spend a ton of time and energy on certain women that I really fancied but they weren't really in the dating pool, even if they said they were. More like they were looking at it, and toying with the idea, but weren't serious about it.

When I did date people like this, it always felt like a struggle to keep things going, like they weren't trying very hard to keep in touch or communicate their needs or I had to keep making larger and larger gestures just to watch things fall through my fingers. It wasn't until I happened upon some relationships that were actually pretty easy to keep going and the other person made a real effort that I realized that the former was actually not the norm, and not the best I could hope for.

So I would recommend not putting too much energy into people that don't make an effort back. Just because they agree to dates doesn't mean that they're going to reciprocate your efforts. If you don't see them try to meet you at least 40% of the way (i.e. don't ever offer to pay for anything, don't come up with date ideas, don't initiate conversations, etc) after a month or two, it's probably not worth pursuing further, at least in my opinion.

Re: Ask HN: What do you struggle with?

#544
post #226

Interviewing. I'm good at my good. My portfolio is at least decent, and I get a lot of responses on my resume, but I consistently can't close the deal. I also have a very hard time bettering myself with the lack of feedback. I've gotten better at all the stuff you can read about online and often made it to the final round, but I can't make it to an offer.

check out interviewing.io, it might be the ticket for you

I've tried signing up and it seems to be in private beta. Is this an MVP?

Re: Ask HN: What do you struggle with?

#545

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Why don’t they date? Just curious.

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2016/09/17/more-than-40-per...

Thanks. They only relevant part of that article says “they have gaps between their ideals and the reality“. But why is that? What are their ideals?

Re: Ask HN: What do you struggle with?

#546
post #479

Earlier quoted context omitted.

28 years! It frightens me and boggles my mind how something like this can happen after being married for so long. Looking back do you have any idea why? I'm sorry for your loss and I hope it'll get better for you soon. As others have said it's perfectly normal to feel depressed at such a life altering event and it probably does take a year or two to recover.

Some chronic depression before, maybe. But mostly, she said she wanted to find herself, and she couldn't do that with others around -- too hard to "hear herself think". Which is to say, I don't really know and never will.

I guess there are somethings you just have to let go off. I'm sorry man - I know it must have been hard. I hope it's getting better everyday.

Re: Ask HN: What do you struggle with?

#547

Earlier quoted context omitted.

But it just seems impossible to practice. I'm 21 years old and at this age everyone has a lot of expectations about their partners but I know that I cannot fulfill those expectations, exactly because of what you said (because I never practiced those muscles). It just feels very strongly like if I ever ask a girl out I'll just make a dick out of myself. Ok, see I'm NOT shy, if I see you in a conference, I'l talk to yo…

Might be different nowadays but back when malls were a thing you could just go down to the mall and practice. 1st step for me was to set a goal to approach 100 women (or 50 or 20, whatever you can do) and go do it. They’re all strangers so it doesn’t matter if you goof up or look silly. Don’t focus on the results at first, just the process and mechanics of approaching, and review later what worked and didn’t. It’s li…

Us Europeans don't have it so easy when the whole city knows each other.

Re: Ask HN: What do you struggle with?

#548

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> a.) all my female friends told me "Dude, you're skeevy just for even mentioning them" The whole point of Red Pill stuff is that there's a disconnect between what people want and what they say they want. Also I seriously doubt your female friends have ever actually read any of the material and only know what it is from second hand information. So really their opinion on it is worthless. Also first rule of fight club…

I worked at Google at the time, so I was already well acquainted with the idea that people want something other than what they say they want. Hell, my day job consisted of running experiments on billions of people and trying to manipulate the whole web ecosystem to give us data, so I had a pretty extensive applied-psychology background there. I just felt that the specific strategies employed by most of the PUA commun…

> know which game you want to be playing, and ignore advice from people who are playing a different game

I think ignore is too strong of a word. A lot of good ideas in the world came about from cross-pollination between two or more different domains or disciplines. Inspiration can come from anywhere, if you seek new information from all sorts of places and try plugging it into your own field of expertise.

I think that could apply here too. Even though they're playing a different game than you are, you might be able to find something useful in it that you can incorporate into your game. But you shouldn't copy+paste their advice into your game. Experiment with some of it, include bits of it that appeal to you, and leave out the rest.

Re: Ask HN: What do you struggle with?

#549

I’m 30 and haven’t really had much dating experience. It boggles my mind how people are already married by 30. How does dating work? Serious question.

Look into pickup communities. Don't take it as gospel, in fact ignore most of it (specially negging, and any other kind of power plays). But you'll see that it's possible, you will also learn to read signs. Mostly dating consists of improving oneself, be social, don't objectify people and learn the unwritten rules.

Negging as it's done in the PUA community is bad, sure. But the milder form of it, teasing, as long as it's mutual, I think can be a good thing in relationships. Sometimes what you say to each other sounds very similar, but the intent of negging is more malevolent.

Re: Ask HN: What do you struggle with?

#550
Immigration. I came to the US (specifically to Indianapolis) about 12 years ago. I acquired citizenship in 2016. And yet, I have failed to integrate to this community. I have no friends, just co-workers. And I feel like I already tried everything: meetup, book clubs, bar trivia, you name it. It does not help the current political climate, in which we are guilty of all the disgraces that occur here. I am contemplating going back to Colombia, but the career prospects look real bad. Career wise I am doing terrific, I make good money, own a house, have no debt. But I am so fucking alone.
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