Being ambitious and being a dad • Hacker News Board

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#531

Post by Daneel_ » Wed, Aug 19, 2026, 2:01 PM UTC

crassus_ed wrote: post #291

katzgrau wrote: post #59

YC reject so I bootstrapped and was thankfully able to hit profitability before my first kid showed up. I’ve now got two. I also have dreams bigger than ever. In fact, writing this while sitting on the couch with the kids watching Muppet Treasure Island while my kids are wearing pirate hats and waving foam swords. I’m still extremely productive and prolific. Probably less compared with before. But before, I had frien…

So you're basically a machine that spends their time working and taking care of your children? This feels like a one-way ticket to a burnout.

Agreed. This sounds like absolute hell. No time for even a single hobby? Where's your pleasure in life?

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#532

Post by colechristensen » Wed, Aug 19, 2026, 2:02 PM UTC

ColdStream wrote: post #256

colechristensen wrote: post #214

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Most "good for your health" advice is pop culture driven with a half life of 5 years anyway and breakfast being the most important meal of the day is a marketing slogan. In other words, no better than any various convention. About the only things that stick are "don't stop physical and mental activity as you age" and "do stuff in moderation". If you call it "intermittent fasting" and write a book about it, you can ge…

Pretty much, so much of what we take for granted in culture was actually intentionally designed from the top down to have masses of people fall into line and become good servants of the economic system. As for good diets, for instance, there is a wild meal schedule that has shown to be fairly good at managing weight, it is just intense. It is the 16 to 17 meals a day plan. One meal every hour you are awake, each one…

>intentionally designed from the top down

not designed, evolved

Social behavior and the actual behaviors themselves evolved through populations as, among other things, an information storage mechanism that survives generations.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#533

Post by pac0 » Wed, Aug 19, 2026, 2:06 PM UTC

psim1 wrote: post #484

I felt successful before I had kids. Satisfying, upward-moving career; happy marriage; lots of travel; volunteering in multiple organizations. I liked all these things, succeeded in them, people liked me, etc. As a dad, I feel like a total loser. All of the aforementioned are diminished or put entirely on hold (travel, most volunteering). I'm medicore at everything, except parenting, in which I am successful at keepi…

Maybe the problem is trying to satisfy the wishes of someone who doesn't know what they want, because they're under 6 years old!

What worked for me to make the experience of raising kids better is paying attention to the small things they notice. For them the world is a completely new place, and if you can get in tune with that, you can rediscover the world all over again from another angle. Talking with my son makes me see everything differently — they're great triggers for creativity.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#534

Post by sailfast » Wed, Aug 19, 2026, 2:06 PM UTC

ron_woods wrote: post #503

Sorry if this offends anyone but why must we choose between having a great career and being a great parent. Why is it a zero-sum game? Want to be great at something neglect your children to do so. Want to be a great parent, fine you have a mediocre career. From the article you are ambitious about building things. Well guess what children are, the ultimate piece of clay from which you get a front row seat to mold. If…

The article is not talking about having "a great career" (which you can have while also having good balance and focusing on things).

To me, the article is more a lament. There is only so much time in this life, and if you're organized (I read that to mean intentional in your execution and not wasting time) then you apply that time to your highest priority.

Work / building things / personal hobbies / your partner / your family / your kids - these all compete. It's impossible to do everything you'd LOVE to do in your building and hobbies without burning the candle on both ends a bit with the other priorities.

You can do it for short periods, but eventually it catches up and you'll either do it all bad or sacrifice something.

Time is finite. Desire / drive are not. Solve for X. I feel what the author is saying every day, but I'm OK with it because there's no question in my mind that my kids and family are going to be the best use of my time and what I'm thinking about on my death bed.

Do I still sleep too little and occasionally overwork to execute? Yes - but you have to pick your spots.

You just can't do it ALL.

(And mind you - that's for me as an extremely involved, work-from-home, caring for children MAN. This is an entirely different equation if you're a female and you don't have support structure. Nobody can have it all but I've probably got the best shot at having a TON of it - but there are still trade-offs)

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#535

Post by somenameforme » Wed, Aug 19, 2026, 2:06 PM UTC

Tangurena2 wrote: post #462

kakacik wrote: post #410

Earlier quoted context omitted.

100% agree with this. But its not uniform for everybody, mothers generally change and throw away previous life after having kids in ways that most men don't. Some fathers are similar (and few mothers are similar to average guy) but difference is pretty big when you dig deeper.

That's mostly due to social pressures and expectations - women are expected/demanded/forced to perform most of the child care duties. Which is why when a man does child care (in the US at least), he is seen as "helping out", even if he is the full-time caretaker/househusband.

I don't find these sort of critical theory takes to make much practical sense. Most/all mammalian species are similar in this regard, and there are very practical reasons. For instance most don't seem to understand that early on breastfeeding is literally a 24 hour job. That forms a special bond between a mother and child that a father could never match.

Even the most involved father's role there is basically to give the mother some downtime and this will, in turn, shape how the child responds to parents. We often joke that daddy's for fun, mommy's for comfort - but it's not really a joke. Your children's earliest months will have food literally coming out of mommy while daddy is just there to keep you happy when mama's trying to get some elusive sleep. And that carries forward even as the child ages.

There are also other instinctual issues in play. For instance most mothers experience vivid and highly unpleasant nightmares involving just about every possible awful thing happening to their children. It's quite horrific, but likely an instinctual thing to help the mother be wary, form a deeper bond, and so on. I'm not sure the rate for fathers, but I never had anything like that - and so the bond formed is again, just very different than for a mother.

Finally, there's also the realistic timelines involved. Having a child takes about a year, and you want around a year between each child. For a sustainable society every single woman needs to have a bit more than 2 children. So that's like 5-6 years, at the minimum, solely dedicated to having your children. And then of course the show is just beginning at that point. The reality is that advancing a career in this context is simply not realistic, and trying to build societies that reject this isn't going to do anything but ensure those societies are unsustainable, which is exactly what has happened.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#536

Post by katagaminator » Wed, Aug 19, 2026, 2:07 PM UTC

Maybe you should read about women's career choices because for them it might be even more challenging to make trade-off btw career and family. Your inspiring figures seems to be mainly men and I don't have a lot of examples of women in tech (I'm not just well informed enough) but in other fields such as politics it might be very inspiring to have their advices. It would be also very meaningful to have a small glimpse at how you and your wife chose to balance careers and life because maybe the balance btw family and work is more at couple level rather than one of the two of you. thanks for sharing your thought here, wishng you good luck for your kids, your wife and you mate ;)

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#537

Post by markus_zhang » Wed, Aug 19, 2026, 2:10 PM UTC

ron_woods wrote: post #503

Sorry if this offends anyone but why must we choose between having a great career and being a great parent. Why is it a zero-sum game? Want to be great at something neglect your children to do so. Want to be a great parent, fine you have a mediocre career. From the article you are ambitious about building things. Well guess what children are, the ultimate piece of clay from which you get a front row seat to mold. If…

Because energy is limited and TBH very few people are really fit for doing two jobs properly at the same time. Honestly, sometimes, or most of the times, a great career do demand more than 40 hours of work.

You also need very good mental for both jobs, too.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#538

Post by pac0 » Wed, Aug 19, 2026, 2:11 PM UTC

Daneel_ wrote: post #530

psim1 wrote: post #484

I felt successful before I had kids. Satisfying, upward-moving career; happy marriage; lots of travel; volunteering in multiple organizations. I liked all these things, succeeded in them, people liked me, etc. As a dad, I feel like a total loser. All of the aforementioned are diminished or put entirely on hold (travel, most volunteering). I'm medicore at everything, except parenting, in which I am successful at keepi…

I fully empathise. It feels like my career went from upwards to a horizontal line. I have far less energy for work, for learning, and for the things I'm interested in. It's incredibly demoralising. I dread weekends and look forward to school drop-offs - what kind of life is that?

It's also normal, and okay, to feel down about being tired and feeling like you can't do everything at once. Because that's how it is — you can't do everything at once. You have to choose, and a lot of the time the depression comes from the conflict of having to give up things you want to do.

And what can also help is talking to your partner or to a friend who's also a parent. And realizing it's normal to look forward to the weekend being over so you can sit down and work on the thing you're good at and know how to do... unlike dealing with our kids, who are always creating problems we don't know how to solve.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#539

Post by datingmyself » Wed, Aug 19, 2026, 2:11 PM UTC

lordnacho wrote: post #528

faeyanpiraat wrote: post #440

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I kinda agree with you but Could you please elaborate on “ having kids does all the good things in life at once” as I dont see how is that so straightforward. I’m actually currently really conflicted on the idea whether I want or dont want kids.

It's not a cost-benefit calculation. You just do it because you do it and you wouldn't be you if you didn't. Hard to put in words. And yes, you will feel like "WTF why did I do this" at times. A lot of people have parents who will remind them that they could have had an easy life instead. I try not say that even though I think it too. I could sell you some fluff about being part of a continuity or the reward it bring…

There is no easy life so stop thinking it.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#540

Post by sailfast » Wed, Aug 19, 2026, 2:12 PM UTC

faeyanpiraat wrote: post #440

spicyusername wrote: post #398

The older I get the more I realize ambition and "being ambitious" is a completely misplaced way to orient your life. The chance of validation from others is not a good reason for making one choice or another and a life made of choices of that kind will eventually leave you spiritually bankrupt. Make decisions based on what you're passionate about, based on what will bring and keep meaningful relationships into your l…

I kinda agree with you but Could you please elaborate on “ having kids does all the good things in life at once” as I dont see how is that so straightforward. I’m actually currently really conflicted on the idea whether I want or dont want kids.

If you want to dedicate your life to raising and creating a new human being from the ground up, and being able to see your work in action as they grow to become an actual human person - impressing you, disappointing you, going their own way, surprising you, then parenting might be for you.

It's expensive, and labor intensive, and full of decisions that are damnably hard because there's no "right" answer. It's a cult. It's a genetic imperative. It's also amazing.

You will not necessarily experience a tangible personal benefit - it's not an investment with a return. It's a "pour your love into this thing and get love back" kinda deal.