‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’ • Hacker News Board

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#511

Post by throwaway5250 » Fri, Nov 30, 2018, 1:07 AM UTC

yjhoney wrote: post #300

If anybody empathizes with the post, what helped me was volunteering. Helping others and working with a group to help others gives me a lot of appreciation for all the little things that I have. Also, going out of my way to make someone else smile helps me stay happy. Compliments are a great way to start, I was inspired by a cool article about giving the perfect compliment - https://www.esquire.com/lifestyle/sex/a627…

Wow. That article is from 2009, and it really shows. Giving random compliments to strangers in 2018 is just a really bad idea. Doubly so in any kind of professional environment. Save it for your mate or your dog.

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#512

Post by fencepost » Fri, Nov 30, 2018, 1:08 AM UTC

ryanmercer wrote: post #175

fencepost wrote: post #32

I'm astonished that the columnist didn't advise something that seems blindingly obvious to me: find a therapist to talk to - not someone who's going to automatically say "have some Prozac" but someone outside yourself to talk with about these issues. That letter just screams depression (or maybe bipolar on a downswing), but some of it may be just needing to figure out where and what you want to be.

> That letter just screams depression (or maybe bipolar on a downswing), Um no. It sounds like someone with no people to spend time with, that's living paycheck to paycheck, that is one financial emergency from financial ruin. That doesn't automatically equate depression. When you're worrying if somethings going to happen tomorrow that leaves you penniless that other people around you wouldn't even notice the cost of…

Disclaimer: no medical training whatsoever - and because of it in perfectly happy to recommend. There's not nearly enough here for real diagnosis.

There's situation (which may be shitty, been there doing that even if I am playing life on the easy setting of straight white male) and there's also attitude /outlook/approach /how you feel. They influence each other, but they're not the same thing. Your situation may make you depressed, but it's not going to give you depression. On the other side, depression doesn't mean you're in a bad situation except that it includes depression which may make it terrible because it colors everything you perceive. No friends? Maybe, or maybe you can't recognize that people really are friends and do care because depression makes you feel that way. No prospects? Maybe, or maybe...

There are a ton of ways that people get medicated (rightly or not) for depression and for some that may help, but for other people therapy to develop the ability to recognize what's going on and tackle it is going to be enough. Along with developing those skills the simple act of discussing problems with someone may also help a lot, and paying a consultant sorry therapist may mean that you take more from it because you're paying for it.

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#513

Post by sizzle » Fri, Nov 30, 2018, 1:14 AM UTC

rolleiflex wrote: post #325

GlenTheMachine wrote: post #145

This probably won't be popular, but what the hell. I feel like, if you strip away the outward trappings and dogma, this is what religion is good for. Not in a "believe in Jesus" or "trust in God" kind of way, but in a "how to orient your life" kind of way. Which is to say, the actually useful portion of religion generally teaches that your best life is probably not focused on you. It isn't about finding yourself, or…

I think we in the west ended up replacing religion with, not an absence of it, but with a religion of the Self — where you are the god, or the only one that matters anyway. That obviously doesn’t mean a sincere belief in one’s own omniscience, more that the the aura of ‘importance’ bestowed upon things naturally emanate from the centre of the Universe, which is you. Mind that humans are already pretty much hardwired…

"That obviously doesn’t mean a sincere belief in one’s own omniscience, more that the the aura of ‘importance’ bestowed upon things naturally emanate from the centre of the Universe, which is you.

Mind that humans are already pretty much hardwired to do this."

I had trouble parsing your perspective as it was written in a unique way. I don't think humans are hardwired for this, can you back up that claim?

If you study evolutionary biology, there is a wealth of information and studies suggesting we are reciprocally altruistic and help others if they have helped us previously or we think they might help us in the future i.e. reciprocal altruism.

From a innate neuroscientific perspective, mirror neurons respond to actions that we observe in others which, if I recall correctly (correct me if I'm wrong), suggests several counterpoints to people in the west believing they are the "only one that matters" when our brains are constantly lighting up by noticing the actions of others which we are inclined to notice and react to (e.g. help those in need, whether family, friends, relatives, or stranger on the street).

This is a fascinating subject, hope others who know more about Neuroscience can chime in, I only minored in it in undergrad. Also, fusiform face area might be worthy of exploring w.r.t. noticing other and what this implies for the notion of human altruism.

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#514

Post by pdimitar » Fri, Nov 30, 2018, 1:15 AM UTC

MRD85 wrote: post #201

jmoss20 wrote: post #147

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> "... the idea that the optimum is not an extreme." I'd put this as "not an extreme" /on any of the axes that we're considering/. Life has an awful lot of dimensions -- if you imagine a very high-dimensional hypercube and draw the optima randomly, the optima are almost guaranteed to be close to some surface (some "extreme"). To my eye, the real problem is finding the correct perspective -- the one at which an optimu…

>To my eye, the real problem is finding the correct perspective -- the one at which an optimum lies at an extreme. Something which has brought a lot of happiness to my life and dramatically changed the way I live is taking responsibility for my own happiness and life choices. I used to spin my wheels and drift through life but at 30 I was diagnosed with cancer. It's a long story and it turned out to not be serious, a…

I commend you for finding the way to live to the fullest.

And I am envious. I have no impending doom looming above my head and I feel that this really makes me slow and feeling that I have time. I am 38 now and I am pretty aware that my time is ticking away. But there's always another crysis to salvage... I am trying my very best to crawl out of this hole but it's taking way too long.

I feel I lack the very important perspective that you have but these things are profound epiphanies; you can't just talk somebody into having them. They are transformative experiences and the resulting change in you cannot be duplicated by just talking or reading others' stories...

:(

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#515

Post by SubuSS » Fri, Nov 30, 2018, 1:15 AM UTC

52-6F-62 wrote: post #180

keiferski wrote: post #141

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yeah you can still buy them, but when I was a kid 25 years ago, there were no corporate-branded sets and “classic” Legos were the default.

I hear you, but this isn't a new conundrum in creative fields/play. Artists' studios have long worked in a similar way, employing others to continually emulate an original ideal that an artist would ultimately brand. I understand it's a little different, but we don't regret people admiring da Vinci as much as they do. People haven't stopped painting since the works of masters, and in many cases are inspired to see wh…

I love building stuff / legos - but the space constraint to keep the built models is a pain. How are you tackling that?

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#516

Post by maratd » Fri, Nov 30, 2018, 1:20 AM UTC

zapzupnz wrote: post #354

maratd wrote: post #314

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Today we are experimenting with new phenomena Pretty sure every generation from the beginning of time has thought of itself as a pioneer exposed to new forces and new phenomena. It's a bit arrogant to think that you're the one and only. There are a multitude of other changes that have transformed our environment (agriculture, spoken language, written language, barter, commerce, etc.) over the millennia. > There is…

> When we tried to eradicate it forcefully (communism), bad things happened This is a little disingenuous. Yes, states described as communist attempted to eradicate religion; to do that, they merely replaced religion with the state. The state became the church, its leaders became the saints. Don't conflate the example of failed, corrupt Stalinist communist states with the concept of the eradication of religion, they'…

> The state became the church, its leaders became the saints.

Can you name a single attempt to eradicate religion that didn't end up with the very description you provide?

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#517

Post by radford-neal » Fri, Nov 30, 2018, 1:23 AM UTC

jf- wrote: post #487

radford-neal wrote: post #477

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I had a kid at age 51. That was 11 years ago. My age has caused no problems whatsoever. I don't expect it to be a problem in the future. People who are no longer young should simply ignore this sort of advice. Unless you're in (seriously) poor health, just go for it.

I debated about whether to post this, because it’s rather emotive, even unsettling, but on the off chance it might actually sway someone, I will. The average life expectancy for a male in the USA is 76. All other things being equal, a 51 year old father will die when their offspring is 25 years old. This is too early to lose a parent. Think about how this would have effected you, reader of this post. This is also ass…

Oh? Would you like to tell when is a _good_ time for your father to die? He's going to die sometime, you know.

And maybe taking care of a parent with dementia is actually more of a problem when you're older and have kids of your own?

At my advanced age, I have the advantage of remembering things like the arguments you would hear back in the 1960's about why interracial marriage was a bad idea. Not because we're racist of course! But think of the practical difficulties. Like, the kids won't fit into either community! I'm sure you can think of more reasons too.

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#518

Post by throwaway5250 » Fri, Nov 30, 2018, 1:23 AM UTC

Advice from a dinosaur: Find a divorced dad who has custody of his kid(s) and is in dire need of help with raising them. Nothing is more meaningful that providing children with a good home to grow up in. Pour her soul into it. Make sure said dad is reasonably good with money, as she clearly is not. Don't be too picky about looks, but make sure it's someone who can basically float her boat. Forsake all others. Then follow grandma's recipe: Keep his stomach full and his balls empty.

Does that sound awful? Does it matter, if it works?

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#519

Post by hoaw » Fri, Nov 30, 2018, 1:24 AM UTC

freehunter wrote: post #452

hoaw wrote: post #421

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I do think it matters, because we are trying to establish some sort of utility of having focus in the context of the conversation. The theory of this thread is that a lack of focus is harmful and, at least partly, to blame for why young people are struggling. You can be the most dedicated piano player, but if you later decides to channel that dedication into e.g. writing you are very likely to be struggling anyways.…

I personally think learning how to focus and power through a struggle is the important skill to learn, regardless of what form it takes. Finishing 10 imperfect paintings is more of a learning experience than never finishing one perfect painting. Finishing a terrible novel in NaNoWriMo is more important than giving up because your story is bad. Making it through school with a C+ is more important than dropping out bec…

I just don't think it is accurate. Often pursuing something means giving up other things, which won't help you not to struggle in life. There is often no plateau in menial or highly competitive professions. Trying to e.g. become a writer will leave you struggling for a long time. Unless some can provide for you in the meantime, which has little to do with your own focus. I just don't think focus as such is that relevant for whether you will struggle or not in life. A lazy programmer is still on average very likely going to struggle less than a dedicated service worker. There are plenty of, say, high school football players who have more grit than most of us but are doing worse in life than the kid who barely knew how to tie his own shoes.

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#520

Post by radford-neal » Fri, Nov 30, 2018, 1:25 AM UTC

endtime wrote: post #483

radford-neal wrote: post #477

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I had a kid at age 51. That was 11 years ago. My age has caused no problems whatsoever. I don't expect it to be a problem in the future. People who are no longer young should simply ignore this sort of advice. Unless you're in (seriously) poor health, just go for it.

As a 32-year-old with 3 kids, my parents are still in their mid-50s and can watch our kids for a week while we go on vacation. My father-in-law passed away last in his mid-70s (my mother-in-law is amazing and is a huge help, but she can't watch 3 kids alone for a week). There's a good chance my parents will be at my kids' weddings. When you're 83 and your kid is my age, he'll probably wish there was anything he could…

It's nice that your parents are able to help with your kids. But, you know, it's rather common nowadays for people with kids to have parents (whatever their age) that live thousands of miles away...